I left India because India didn’t need me.
I grew up in India with a certain standard of living. To maintain that standard of living, I had no choice but to be the best. Being myself was not enough.
If I wanted to be an engineer, I had to graduate with honors from IIT. Then, I had to be placed in Google, Facebook or Amazon. My annual income at least has to be 21 lakhs INR. Then, I had to buy a house that’s quite big, accessible to good schools, good health-care and has easy transportation - which meant living in a big city with skyrocketing costs of living.
And then, there’s this question of social status. Since India is rife with caste system, it’s hard to have basic social respect unless you’re highly qualified and have a high paying white collar job. Otherwise, your neighbors and relatives will care about where you go after work. Who your friends are. Who your girlfriend is. What your hobbies are and what you like to eat. If they don’t approve, you will be potentially cut off from basic necessities like decent housing, good education or good healthcare. Instead, you might be restricted to poor choice in housing, negligent health care and bullies for teachers and mentors. After all, the good ones have a reputation to maintain so that they too get basic respect. So, you are stuck with the bad ones; bad company, bad friends, bad bosses and bad service providers. Being highly qualified, excuses you from all these “sins”. The society around you will be more lenient if your qualification is more “prestigious”. The only other alternative is to appear tough; be arrogant bordering on violence.
(There’s a reason the trope in South Indian movies, that the hero always beats up the bad guys is so popular. Some people use violence to gain social influence by being something akin to “the hero of their people”. All of “my people/caste” lived in some remote village while I lived in a plush city.)
I had none of that. I wasn’t the best in anything. I was “mediocre”. I didn’t go to IIT. I went to a regular local college. I didn’t get high grades or “distinction”. In fact, I barely passed the exams. Nobody in India would hire me because of my “poor” performance in college.
My geeky looks and hobbies didn’t help either. “Real men” should be able to handle themselves with bad people. I on the other hand would roll up into a ball and beg. I couldn’t even run if I wanted to. My mild autism meant that I could never befriend “heroes” for protection. I looked like this.
(A totally harmless good boy, moi. For a time, I tried using my words as a weapon. I learned the hard way, that it’s a terrible-terrible idea. Don’t do it!)
So, I had 2 choices.
Take a low paying job and lower my living standards and expectations. That means no gaming laptops, no high speed internet and patchy electric supply! Decent clothes are going to be too expensive for my budget and mind you; people in my country wear decent clothes to get basic respect; not privileged treatment. I’m not from an upper caste or a hero, remember? So I have to make up for it with loads of additional effort.
Leave the country and go somewhere that appreciates who I already am. America is the land of the free. Everybody is treated equally. The institutions put in place, take discrimination very seriously. Did a baker refuse to bake cake for your wedding because you were gay? Such prejudice is stuff of national headlines. In India, unless you are brutally murdered and your corpse was cut up and strewn across the city (which is a regular occurrence), your story of discrimination is not newsworthy, let alone have the legal system fight for you in a timely manner. Who needs that headache anyway? Plus, Americans strongly strive to make themselves seem equal; at least superficially. Managers and bosses go out of their way to appear friendly. If you mess up, the management looks for systemic failures and tries to address those before blaming you. You will never be shamed at work for being an irresponsible lazy bum. There’s no such thing as “scolding” here in America.
In India, you pay for your mistakes with your dignity and pride. No wonder so many Indians appear so risk-averse. In the US, even though there are real consequences to your mistakes (such as being sued or losing your job), you are still going to be physically and mentally safe. That way, American culture is good.
Since I’m not particularly social and I don’t have any significant attachments, the decision to leave India was easy. Here, I’m able to be myself and still prosper. I have lots of avenues to express myself without fear of persecution. I can fearlessly say what I want on Quora, without worrying about death threats. If I see something online, I can instantly give away my credit card information and buy it without worrying about being scammed. If I was scammed, the credit card company is going to reverse the transaction and bear the losses if any. Heck, I can bring my expensive iPhone outdoors without worrying about being jumped! Or targeted! Or Judged! Most importantly, I worry a lot less about being intimidated, bullied or talked down to. If I feel my person being threatened even remotely, I know that respite is just a tiny 911 call away.
To enjoy this level of basic comfort in India, I’d have to be ultra-rich, ultra-smart and ultra-influential. I’m going to have to befriend many powerful people so that basic necessities are accessible. My parents worked extremely hard to gain that influence in the community. My mom is a doctor and my dad studied an MBA in the best school in country. Both go out of their way to earn power and influence in the community. My mom sees patients at her private clinic for a very low price and my dad is an extremely jovial person who is constantly on the look out for new friends. In return, we have a guy who fixes our computer for free. Another neighbor filled out all forms and did the passport paperwork for the entire family for free. A chauffeur is on call for us every day. He comes by whenever my grandparents need to travel to a neighboring town. If he’s not available, then he’d send one of his trusted friends. Best of all, my mom is able to give all of us the best medical treatment across the country. Do you have a rare blood disease that your doctor didn’t know what it’s about? Ask her and she’ll point you to Hematologist in some remote part of the country. Turns out, this hematologist was her dad’s classmate’s husband. Then, she’d put in a good word so that you don’t get fleeced financially. Do you think all this is fine and dandy? They aren’t. It’s because for a regular guy, finding a reliable computer repair guy is impossible.Public transportation is uncomfortable and crowded. Doctors are negligent. The only alternative to all this power and influence is a disproportionately large wallet or your ability to instill fear. Even then, that chauffeur you hired might be a rapist; or the tenant you brought in was a fraud.
This is the kind of functional-quality basic necessities my parents got access to, through excessive amounts of sacrifice, hard work and schmoozing.
I on the other hand, love sitting in my room and faffing around with Quora. I could never afford this level of comfort my parents achieved if I worked a regular job and stayed in India. I’d probably have to rely on my parents’ influence to get basic stuff done. In return, they would hold a lot of power over me. Societal pressures and obligations kick in. Eventually, I might be forced to get into a mediocre marriage, have a kid I don’t want, work a job I don’t like and be suicidal for the rest of my life. For anything more, I’d have to hustle and I’m no hustler!
In the US, I don’t have to work for this kind of influence. Nobody really has power over me. I’m free. All I have to do is pay taxes so that the whole system is honed in such a way that my basic existence and happiness stays without friction. Doing the bare minimum will give me a decent life. Doing something extra could reap exponentially higher rewards. The choice between living a decent life versus living large is entirely mine and not dictated by circumstances or outside pressures.
It’s pretty much the same story with anyone deciding to emigrate. There is always a choice between being exceptionally talented in one’s home country or being just skilled enough to fill your own niche in a foreign country. Indians move to the US for IT jobs. Americans move to Asian countries to teach English. And so it goes.