“A seasoned-up hyena, Could not've been more obscener. She took me to the cleaners, And other misdemeanours”

song ~ “Billericay Dickie”  
artist ~ Ian Dury and The Blockheads

Good evening, I'm from Essex
In case you couldn't tell
My given name is Dickie
I come from Billericay
And I'm doing very well

Had a love affair with Nina
In the back of my cortina
A seasoned-up hyena
Could not've been more obscener
She took me to the cleaners
And other misdemeanours
But I got right up between her
Rum and her Ribena

Well, you ask Joyce and Vicky
If candy-floss is sticky
I'm not a blinking thicky
I'm Billericay Dickie
And I'm doing very well

I bought a lot of Brandy
When I was courting Sandy
Took eight to make her randy
And all I had was shandy
Another thing with Sandy
What often came in handy
Was passing her a mandy
She didn't half go bandy

So, you ask Joyce and Vicky
If I ever took the mickey
I'm not a flipping thicky
I'm Billericay Dickie
And I'm doing very well

I'd rendez-vous with Janet
Quite near the Isle of Thanet
She looked more like a gannet
She wasn't half a prannet
Her mother tried to ban it
Her father helped me plan it
And when I captured Janet
She bruised her pomegranate

Oh, you ask Joyce and Vicky
If I ever shaped up tricky
I'm not a blooming thicky
I'm Billericay Dickie
And I'm doing very well

You should never hold a candle
If you don't know where it's been
The jackpot is in the handle
On a normal fruit machine

So, you ask Joyce and Vicky
Who's their favourite brickie
I'm not a common thicky
I'm Billericay Dickie
And I'm doing very well

I know a lovely old toe-rag
Obliging and noblesse
Kindly, charming shag from Shoeburyness
My given name is Dickie
I come from Billericay
I thought you'd never guess

So, you ask Joyce and Vicky
A pair of squeaky chickies
I'm not a flaming thicky
I'm Billericay Dicky
And I'm doing very well

Oh golly, oh gosh
Come and lie on the couch
With a nice bit of posh
From Burnham-on-Crouch
My given name is Dickie
I come from Billericay
And I ain't a slouch

So, you ask Joyce and Vicky
About Billericay Dickie
I ain't an effing thicky
You ask Joyce and Vicky
I'm doing very well    _{(Image source)}

Comments 

This clever ditty appeared on “New Boots and Panties!!”,  the 1977 debut album by Ian Dury and The Blockheads. It was just one of the witty songs from that album that have become timeless classics. 

Crimes and rhymes   

The lyrics are in the voice of a simple laborer. He relates exaggerated but humorous tales of his sexual “misdemeanors”  with various women.  Typical of this sort of swagger, the braggart leaves plenty to our imagination.    

And typical of Ian Dury, the poet leaves us with plenty of inventive rhymes and the naughty images they create. Read, listen, imagine, and enjoy.     _{(Image source)}

Ian Dury and The Blockheads – "Billericay Dickie"  _{(Right-click to hear on YouTube)}

Lyrics by Ian Dury, courtesy of – AZLyrics.com

References – Wikipedia

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