For the past 2 years I have been depressed. I am 36 years old, married 11 years, two children - 8 years old and 4 years old. I have not worked for 8 years, I sit at home with children.
When the eldest daughter gave to the kindergarten, she began to get sick all the time, for 7 months she could not adapt in the kindergarten, she was always sick, only antibiotics helped, after finishing working after the decree she quit her job for three months and began to stay at home.
In 4 years the youngest daughter was born. She has health problems, in 1.5 and 2 years there were febrile convulsions. Recently found sand in the kidneys, so while there is no way to give it to the kindergarten, she needs a special diet. The eldest also may have health problems, now we are being examined.
This all also worsened my condition. Constantly in my head are bad thoughts, strong fear for children and for myself (even my mother had oncology, the operation was successful, but now I'm afraid that will be inherited). At the same, too, there are enough health problems.
My husband does not really support. We have a complicated relationship. I think he's an energy vampire. Constantly trying to belittle my dignity and capabilities. A couple of times I tried to start making money at home, when it started to work out, began to prohibit, up to scandals and insults, it's better to spend my time on children. Although worked mostly at night. At the same time if I want to buy something for myself, says: "If you want, go, earn money." Suddenly, the mood changes, starts to humiliate, talk nastily about me or my relatives.
After the scandals, I usually stop talking with him ("resting" from him), but with a week of low blood pressure, it happens, I lay down. He begins to give gifts, flowers, says that he will improve, may behave normally for a while, but then everything comes back - first offensives on trifles, then worse and worse to scandal and my silence. I do not know what to do, but I can not stand it any more. I want to leave quickly, so that the children will not maim any more. Although they are very fond of Dad, he often plays with them, walks, but at the same time, if there is no mood, he can start telling all kinds of nastiness to them (especially the older daughter).
Every day I think how to be, just afraid that I do not have enough strength to survive, I'm not sure of anything. I'm starting to break away from the children. Before meeting him worked, led an active lifestyle, there were many friends. Now the complexed, tired, terribly thin. I'm not going anywhere. No strength, do not want to do household chores, often just do not want to get up in the morning. Sometimes, all the day off I can stay at home without getting up. If I perenervnichaju because of a trifle, pressure falls, headaches begin.
I want to divorce, although there is absolutely no self-confidence. Help with the children there is nobody and who will take to work with a good salary, so that the nanny would be enough after 8 years of sitting at home. The husband does not want to divorce, he has nowhere to go will need to be removed, and he is used to being constantly serviced. He says that then little money will be given to children, they will all go to housing. I understand, I need a kick to get a divorce, and learn to survive alone, there's just no such person to support morally, made me move. All the girlfriends lost because of him.