I am not new to this. It has gone on in my life for years. It stopped for a while, about 8 years ago, but only because it was replaced with something else.

This is not something that I enjoy anymore. In fact, it is something that I abhor vehemently. Yet, for some reason, I keep doing it.

But I think I have found the solution...

I posted a couple of days ago about breaking down the different parts of my thinking. The short post, titled, "Are You The Operator... Or The Operated?" - was written about the journey of self-discovery and forward change using my laptop in an analogy to differentiate the 'operator' and 'operated'.

Time to put those concepts to the test...

The bondage that I am speaking of is not some unique sexual deviancy. It is something much more common, and in some places more accepted. It is something that can be done publically and few people really look at you sideways.

The negative effects of this bondage are solely my burden to bear. Their weight, I presume, will only grow with time.

People can be in bondage or self-enslaved to various different things. In definition, to be enslaved is usually not a willful act. Self-enslavement is something that I believe we develop through poor decisions during our journey in life.

We live, we make mistakes, we learn... but sometimes there are still consequences

Some of us develop addictions to various things - food, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, or anything else that can become unhealthy to those or others around us.

While almost all the things of bondage have been cut out of my life, one thing still remains - for now.

I can't breathe...

At least not like I should. I smoke cigarettes and have been told to quit smoking by a lung doctor. He said that I should be fine (being as I'm young) but that I have early stages of COPD and if I want to continue to be healthy and breathing, I need to quit...

Yet, I still smoke. The real effects of this won't hit me for quite some time, but I have already begun to notice over the last year or so. Not good.

I have quit for periods of about 30 days and had my lung function return to normal. I have no problem running 'long-ish' distances (3-5 miles). It is getting worse though.

So I took a moment to think about why it is that I still smoke and what errors in my processing causes me to continue.

I also decided to cross over variables from the successes I've had in cutting other things out of my life (such as drugs, alcohol, and bad relationships).

The Question: Why Do I Smoke?

It's that first drag. That smooth draw on a Marlboro Red after washing down a nice meal with a drink. The feeling of lighting one up while I process the words in my head and tap the keys writing for a job on a time-limit.

It's about the timing - it's about the habit - It's about the feeling.

So, if it's about the feeling (and the feeling was only good) I'd have no reason to change it - right?

But the feeling is NOT good only. There are a lot of consequent bad feelings I derive from smoking.

I always feel like smoking, before I actually smoke. The feeling becomes stronger and stronger until I do until the craving is so massive - I give in.

I give in to the feeling of that first drag because it is pleasurable - satisfying. Yet, after smoking, I never feel satisfied. In fact, I feel like I wish I DIDN'T smoke.

It's like a cloud hanging inside my chest cavity. It weighs so much and I'm beginning to wheeze at times. It SUCKS.

I'm Going To Dismantle It... By Understanding It... And By Understanding Me

I realize there are 4 Steps that occur in the process of me picking up a cigarette from start to finish. I'm going to analyze them, and rearrange and replace some of the elements.

Here we go:

Step 1: The Trigger

Something triggers my memory, putting the idea of smoking into my head. It could be finishing a meal, getting in a car to drive, getting out of the shower, WAKING UP IN THE MORNING WITH COFFEE.... There are so many I'm not going to list them all - just pick one from the list.

Step 2: The Memory Ties To The Emotion

This is the part where I remember smoking. I remember that 'pleasurable feeling' of the first drag. Once I'm overpowered by this, it's game-over. I'm going to pick up a stogie from the pretty little red-white box and light that sucker up.

Step 3: Emotion Leads To Action

The allure of that first drag has now gotten me to the point where I'm puffing like a chimney and I might make a pot of coffee and chain-smoke a bit while I'm at it.

Step 4: The Results Of The Action

Now, I've smoked 3 cigarettes back-to-back and drank 3/4 of a pot of coffee. I feel like garbage. I wish I would quit smoking. Result = NOT GOOD.

Now, For Some Adjustments!

Step 1: The Trigger

The same as the first time. Eating, drinking, driving, showering, waking up, writing, and many more.

Step 2: Emotion Leads To Action

ME! PAY ATTENTION CAREFULLY! This is where I'm going to change it up. Instead of dwelling on the thought of the 'pleasurable first drag', I am going to think it through to the 'feelings that RESULTED' from the first process.

I am going to replace the feeling of 'pleasure' with the feeling of 'remorse' - because I know that's where I'm really headed.

Step 3: The New Action

I don't smoke. I put it off until the next time my craving is triggered and try again - hopefully with some success.

Conclusion:

I believe, if I can successfully replace the memory of feeling 'pleasure' derived from the first drag with the 'inability to breathe' that I feel after smoking, it will enable me to hit the exit-ramp of this deadly cycle.

It's the same way I changed my process with the other things that I've cut out of my life, and hopefully, I can master this one too.

If you smoke or have any other kind of bondage in your life I would suggest trying this method of 'thinking it through'. Whether it's something small like eating too many Snicker's bars - or something more impactful - like returning to abusive and codependent relationships, this simple thing can help.

Replace Whatever Lures You In With What You Know Will Happen

... This post helped too... didn't smoke a bit while writing it or for about two hours beforehand. :D Hope it helps someone else as well.

Thanks for stopping by!