Me and spiders aren't exactly bros. They used to really give me the heebie-jeebies but I don't like to kill them. I don't like killing things in general but I don't like killing spiders specifically because I'm secretly afraid that word will get back to their spaceship and their alien overlords won't have mercy on me when they finally take over our planet.
Anyway, I didn't want to hurt the guy but I didn't want him chilling in my living room either so I went to find a piece of paper to move him outside with. He did not like this idea and would not climb on the paper. He was a smart little fucker. Eventually, he jumped off the table so I gave up my search and put the paper back in the kitchen.
When I came back, Spidey was in the middle of the table again trying to get to my drink. I realized then that the little guy was thirsty. I couldn't just throw him outside without letting him get a drink but I didn't really want to share my drink with him either (I don't even like it when my cat sticks his head in my cup and we're in love) so I had to come up with a plan.
I went back into the kitchen to retrieve a glass jar to trap him in. He was a smart and stealthy little guy and proved to be quite difficult to confine. He climbed up into my lampshade and I could tell he was planning one of those arachnophobia heart-attack moves. Thankfully, the lamp was on and I could see his terrifying shadow lurking behind the shade. I jostled the lamp a bit until he dropped down and then I carefully trapped him within the jar.
Once trapped, I had to think about how to get him water without freeing him from his cage. I thought about soaking cotton balls in water and then I remembered that I had some watermelon in the fridge. I wondered if spiders likes watermelon? Only one way to find out.
I broke off a tiny piece of melon and cautiously put it in the spiders enclosure. He didn't notice it at first. He was still pretty pissed about being caught so he ran around the inside of the jar. After about a minute though, he discovered the watermelon and it was pretty clear what his feelings were about it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a spider orgasm before, but I imagine it would look something like this: He went from having a normal spider-looking body and within a second all of his legs were relaxing behind him in ecstasy. I tried to take a close up of what is probably a contender for the worlds most boring video, but if you look very closely you can see that spider chugging melon and probably having the best meal he's had in his entire life. He "drank" for an entire minute before I put him and his melon outside.
Disclaimer: No spiders or cats were harmed during the making of this blog (I might have accidentally drank a small one last night while I was half asleep, or it might have been some lemon pulp. I think it was probably lemon pulp. Dear God please let it have been lemon pulp).