I'm going to be honest, like I never was.
I am going to speak, now I am, aware of my profile, aware of what I am and will be, and that today I have decided to embrace as my greatest truth, my only truth.
But first, I must apologize sincerely, genuinely and honestly, to all those people that I unwittingly used and who nourished and elevated my condition, captivated and enchanted by someone who not only mastered communication at will to monopolize attention, but who learned to discover in record time a strategy to feed the desire to be cared for, approaching the most primal needs of the other, to obtain pleasure.
Thank you!
Now, the time has come. What I am connects with a sexuality that I barely enjoy, that does not find in it the true action of the motivations but it feeds the imaginary. And it is not sexual that mainly drives me to be as I am, nor the ultimate goal of my clear objectives. Hence, my psychiatric profile is very different from the common denominator in these cases: that which achieves ecstasy when the dam falls before him in his bed, after controlling his emotions, and then discards it because it does not represent a challenge. I, with a look, the desire for approach and some communication, I already consider myself well served.
I remember when the doctor saw me for the first time. As everyone, it took her a lot to detach herself and she even imagined herself on a more intimate level. After long conversations and sessions, she determined that the archetypes that represented me were quite evident.
She said: "You have a lot of The Mermaid, whose appeal comes from beyond the physical, with which you obviously count, but your strength is that you stay close and distant at the same time, you never know what to expect from you. much of The Naive that flirts with his childish side without feeling inferior, conquering from his mischief and unconsciously achieving magnetism. From The Charismatic, whose absolute control of speech manages to maintain attention, constantly shoot the laughter and inspire. Once I saw you I did not even want to talk because all your stories of conquest enveloped me. And from The Flirtatious, when he gets you, he does not love you anymore".
The way she said the latter showed that deep down she would also have wanted to build a joint story. He even went so far as to say that, in order not to hurt herself, she had to leave, separate at least physically, because with all his studies, or with all his cases, she had found a way to shield herself emotionally.
And that was precisely the motivation that led me to write the story that I tell you today. Because I knew that the best way to do something for her and for anyone, was precisely revealing the keys to my condition. Alerting others, vulnerable victims, of anyone who, like me or beyond, crossed their lives to chaotise them.
Unveiled the motivation, I will tell you that the first approach, as in any relationship, is born from a look with which the first contact is achieved. Insistent and direct, it attracts and disconcerts, it generates uncertainty, as if security were projected through eyes that do not give up. There is a lot of harassment in it. Years of trial and error have paid off.
The smile is added to the visual contact, which is not as spontaneous as it seems. Studied in front of the mirror, it uses angles and intensities to, now, reflect on the objective that at this point feels attractive and special. Is not that what we all want?
With the malice in effervescence, they are dismantling one by one personal barriers of the victim. Like the leaves of a tree in autumn, the first falls: mistrust, driven by the insecurity of feeling unattractive; cared for by someone who generates us even the dilemma of believing ourselves lucky exposing our essence. The result: an inevitable desire for proximity that becomes palpable, accompanied by a tingling in the body that does not respond to any control. An impulse that takes the reins of yes. The strongest evidence of what happens to us is that the smiles multiply, the look becomes direct and there is a desperate search to maintain the exchange, to guarantee the approach.
We must bear in mind that the seducer receives what he gives and from that determines his triumphs. You Look at him if he looked, You smile to him if he smiled you, and of course you have sex with him if that is what he’s looking for. But beware, satisfied his goal, his personality will turn 180 degrees, and now appeal to disinterest. Who wants to be wanted and in a minute despised? Suddenly, the absence of attention and desire threatens the self-esteem of the victim who, vulnerable and exposed, will soon fall apart.
Speaking with complete frankness and sincerity, for me and for many mens and womens with my condition, life are corridors, for which we walk again and again, crossing glances, sometimes a word, without reaching anything else, to distance myself from the rest. Perhaps the product of the fear of hurting someone, the result of the disinterest that conditions what I am, or the lack of faith that I can change, I do not know. What is certain is that in the end my dreams are like those of many of you, as well as my expectations and my desire to make the world a better place to live. A space of full happiness in which to win or lose should not be the decision of only one, and I mean the one that controls the tools.