Hello world,
my name is Alexander Paris, I’m 25, I live in Athens, Greece, I ‘ve been a straight-A student, I am an engineering university dropout, I’ve always wanted to make music, I’m a self-taught musician, songwriter, producer, I’m about to release my first album and I also do business with the hotel industry to fund my musical projects. Oh and I’m gay!
So this piece is about how this last bit has affected my life. The short and most accurate answer: completely and not at all. But I’ve come a long way to be able to say that.
I’ve always known I was gay. My whole life. I was hiding it for the longest time. My first experience was with my then best friend, who was also gay, and I even hid it from him. I was saying I was experimenting and I didn’t know what was happening blah blah. I knew exactly what was happening. I was lying when I was being asked and I very aggressively denied it. I didn’t want to be gay. “What will they say when they find out? They’re gonna eat me alive". So that was high school.
Right after high school, I couldn’t suppress myself anymore. I had to get out there. So I started “being gay” off the radar. God bless Grindr.
I started “meeting” guys on a very regular basis and I was introduced to a whole new community. And yes we are a community and thank god we are. But I’ll get to that in a minute. I started meeting people who were so free and so sure of who they were. So brave and untouchable. So confident in their true selves. I wanted that. I didn’t wanna hide or mastermind lies. I wanted to be free.
I became part of a community and I was building my own community within it. It felt amazing. It felt safe. So slowly but surely, I found confidence in myself. Everything was a little more okay day by day.
But while I was becoming more free within, I felt that the people that cared about me and that I cared about would put me in a shell again. NO. I liked my undercover freedom. I wanted to blow my cover. I wanted to share my freedom. And if they couldn’t handle it, we wouldn’t stand a chance in the future anyway. I didn’t have the balls to just say it. What I did is plant seeds in everyone’s mind. That is my mother, my sister, my friends, everyone.
I was very vocal about gay rights, I put up a fight every single time I heard “innocent” insults and I would fight everything that sounded remotely close to racist in general.
Sounds pussified. Yes I could have just said it. But I was not brave enough. -I am now, but again we’ll get to that in a second.- It still did the job.
I confirmed it to my friends a few months later. They all knew. Even my straight male friends knew . And they were fine. All of my friends were like “what’s taken you so long? Let’s go gay bar hopping”. They were more excited I was gay than I was. Since then, we’ve built an unbreakable bond, we’re closer than ever and it’s absolute magic.
I feel so at peace with myself.
Now when it comes to my family, my father and I hardly ever speak to or see each other. He knows, I’m sure but it doesn’t even matter. My mother and my sister know. They told me they know. I’m so happy they know. But we don’t talk about it. Yeah it’s that kind of thing. But I don’t mind that. I still feel free. I don’t really see my sister talking to my mother about how her boyfriend fucked her last night. I don’t see why I should. They know. They’re ok with it. I’m very free. That’s all I need. If I wanna talk sex, I gotta a million friends. And yes, they are a lot. And that is one of my greatest accomplishments. My family I go to for different things. So it’s cool.
My point is: it’s a journey. And it’s a tough one and a lonely one. But if you keep on walking, you’re gonna get somewhere.
If “gay” means happy, well I have a secret for you. At this very moment in time, I’m the gayest man alive.
I’m at a place, where I’m very free about everything, very vocal about what I stand for, my thoughts, my opinions, my principles. I do not tolerate any form of racism or bullying, cause I have been a victim of it. And as a survivor of it and a winner, I fight against it and I will fight against it in every way that I can. I do not hide the fact that I’m gay anymore. I’m loud and proud. And if you wanna mess with me, well … good luck.
They say “be the change you wanna see in the world”. I stand by that every second of my life.
Yes, proud. Because it takes real guts and bravery to stand up and stand out for who you are. I do not know if who I am is normal or not. I know I was born this way. This is my nature. And I’m not gonna fight my nature because the world can’t fight the real demons. And even if I did, I would lose.
Cause no it’s not a choice, as my mother used to describe it -she didn’t understand, that is ok. I would never choose the fear to be stigmatized for the rest of my life or to be attacked or to be harassed or to be made fun of or to be thought of as the weak one or to not be taken seriously or to have less opportunities at success. No, I would never choose that. I would never choose fear. No one would. The thing is though. None of that happened. Because I never allowed it to happen.
I opened this article bragging about myself. I did because I wanted to prove a point. I AM SO MANY OTHER THINGS BESIDES GAY. I’m the strongest person I know, I’ve worked harder than anyone I know, I’m the bravest person I know, I make more money than my peers and my success depends solely on decisions that I, Alexander, have made or will make. And the biggest part of the gay community is just like me. We are strong, we are intelligent, we are talented, we are funny and most importantly, WE ARE HERE.
So note to the kids out there that feel alone and fear that nobody is going to accept them. And it’s never just the gay thing. Everybody’s got loads of stuff that burdens them and sometimes yes, it’s way too much. And these kids think about taking their own lives. I was that kid. I was suicidal in the past THANK GOD without any success.
Know there is someone out there to shelter you. You just maybe haven’t met them yet. And it does get better. Always. It’s a fucking cliché but it’s a fucking cliché for a reason. Just because you can’t depend on your family or your friends or anyone you know right now, that doesn’t mean you’re not gonna meet that one person who’s gonna change everything for you tomorrow. And remember. YOU choose your family. You don’t need to have the same blood. If you’re under 18, wait till you’re of age and you’ll see a whole new world open up in front of you. Trust me. I’ve been you.
I cannot fathom another life been taken, because some cunts bully a kid for being someone they don’t like but actually don’t get. Never again.
And also, just because you’re not strong enough right now, or confident enough right now, that doesn’t mean shit either. There’s a lot of work that needs to be done to get to that point.
Don’t let the fact that you’re gay give you an excuse to be weak. You’re gonna have to work really hard, as hard as the others, sometimes harder, you’re gonna have to tolerate shit just as the others do and there is no shortcut. You can’t cheat your way to anything and if you do, it’s gonna go away when you blink. Do the work, it will pay off.
We have made a lot of progress over the years. Have faith. Be a part of that.
Note to the parents out there. Watch your mouth. You never know what’s really going on in your kid’s mind. Innocent insults are never innocent and you might be fucking up your kid’s soul without knowing it. This usually happens because most people are afraid to raise a gay son or daughter so they force feed them “normality”. Well, I have news for you. If your kid is gay, you can’t do anything. The only thing you can do is love him or her. And do that before he or she starts hating you for fearing you won’t love them.
Note to the world. There’s a 90% chance you know and love someone who is gay, who is very likely to be hiding from you because they are afraid to tell you. Because you said that one thing once. Yes, there is an extremely high chance you could be really hurting someone you love.
I have this notion that if everybody was doing whatever they wanted without it hurting anybody else, the world would be at peace.
I’m doing exactly what I want. And I stand by who I am through my personal life and through my music and my whole artistic vision. I do wanna see the world change. And I’m gonna do everything I can to witness that.
Peace,
AP