One day, someone gave a caveman a blowjob and ended up dooming the human race.

It sounds crazy, but it's true - new evidence has emerged that the most carcinogenic strain of the human papilloma virus, HPV 16, was likely introduced to the modern human population through sexual contact with archaic humans - in other words, Neanderthals.

Prehistoric Genital Warts. Lovely.

Most people you meet likely have HPV. In fact, you might have it right now! Ever had a wart? That's HPV, right there. Warts of course are completely harmless unless you're grossed out by them, and that's because there's something like 40 different strains of HPV. The one you really have to worry about is HPV 16, as it's highly carcinogenic - that's right, you can get all sorts of nasty cancers from this particularly evil strain. Including, yes, ass cancer. You can also get cervical cancer from HPV 16, but that's no laughing matter. Ass cancer? That's pretty funny. Or at least funnier. And this is coming from a cancer survivor, so trust me.

So how in the wide world of sports did Neanderthals give us ass cancer? And how did we even figure that out? Well a new study from the French National Center for Scientific Research and the Catalan Institute of Oncology did some digging by comparing what's known of the modern human genome and that of archaic humans such as Neanderthals and Denisovans. It turns out that HPV 16 A, the most common variant of carcinogenic HPV (responsible for a staggering 70 percent of cases), was present exclusively in Neanderthal DNA up until the modern human diaspora from Africa. Prior to that, there were other HPV 16 variants in the modern human genome (HPV 16 B, C, and D), but once humans migrated to places in Europe that their big-browed cousins lived, HPV 16 A ended up back in the human genome.

Inter-Species Erotica!

There's a lot of evidence to back this up. Most telling is the diversity of HPV 16 across the globe - In Sub-Saharan Africa, HPV 16 A is practically nonexistent, as these populations of modern humans never left and were thus insulated from the worst variant. There's also some research going into why some people seem more susceptible to HPV cancers than others, and scientists think it might have to do with just how much archaic human DNA an individual might have. Thanks to all that sweaty prehistoric sex our ancestors had, as much as 5 percent of your DNA might be Neanderthal or Denisovan. Now, this might be a good thing or a bad thing - if archaic humans had a resistance to HPV 16, then maybe the more DNA you've got from your simian great-great-great-great-grandpa to the nth degree might provide you a bit more protection from that ass cancer you could get.

Of course if great-grandma had just kept to her own damn species we wouldn't have this problem to begin with.

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