The BBC-Hindi special series 'Har Choice' has started with the thinking and thinking of modern Indian women. The real life experience of 12 Indian women, their desire, the search for alternatives - all came from their mouths. In its continuation, a report on the life story of a South Indian woman on Saturday (January 27th) However, on the request of the girl, her name has been kept anonymous in the report.
'That was my first night of marriage. I was going to be intimate with a man for the first time. I heard some of the words from the friends of Pran and some of the porn videos in my mind that the first night of the film was recollected, the desires were also awakening.
As I entered the bedroom with a head-leaning glass of milk, everything was going on like that picture. I still did not know that within a short time my dreams would be broken.
It was like this in the dream of the first night - after coming home, my husband would embrace me, float in a kiss, and love me all night.
But the real picture I saw was that my husband was asleep before I entered the house. At that moment it seemed to me that my existence completely denied my husband completely. I was 35 at that time I still did not lose cure. '
Dream break
When I was in college, or after that, I used to find a close relationship between a boy and a girl near me. They used to take each other's hands, or put them on their shoulders.
I thought to myself, oh, if I had any such opportunity. I too wanted to be close to someone like that!
Our family was big - four brothers, one sister, old parents Still, I always wanted to be alone.
All of my brothers and sisters were married. They all had a family. At any point of time, did the brothers and sisters think anything for me? Do not they think that I am too old, yet I am alone?
I also wanted to love. Loneliness was swallowing me Sometimes it seemed that I was very fat - that's why my desires are not met.
But men do not like thick girls? Just my weight is not finding my family life partner? If you have to live alone forever? All these questions revolve around my mind all the time.
Then get married
Finally, when I was 35 years old, one of the forty-one year came forward to marry me. When I first met him, I immediately told him the thoughts within my mind.
He did not answer any words. I used to think that my words are not listening carefully. She looked down at all times and she I did not answer any word, but just gave it a reply.
I used to think that nowadays men get more shame than girls. My future husband might think so. So I'm not answering anything.
But after the marriage, I fell in the middle of the night. I just wondered why he behaved like that.
The next morning when I asked, he replied that his body was not good. But he could not even make another word. After the first night, the second, the third night was cut as well.
All is hidden
I told the matter to my mother-in-law. But he continued to talk to the boy's side. 'And I'm shy. It is uncomfortable to talk to girls from a small age. The boys have gone to school, so for that. He has no sister or sister, no girl friend. That is why this behavior. '
I got the temporary relief when I heard the word. But it did not go from my head. On the other hand, my wish-aspiration, dreams were breaking down one by one.
It was not just the physical demands that I used to take away from me. My husband did not say anything. I started thinking that I was always being ignored. He ran away from me.
When a woman dresses up, the men still look at it from the side. But if I open all the clothes at night, my husband was completely indifferent.
So what is my weight using this because of this? He got married under any pressure? These questions started to come in my mind then. But there is no way to share this with Kano.
How much is waiting
There was no way to talk about this to anyone in my family because everyone started to think that I am very good. Meanwhile, the waiting line is going to break. I have to solve the problem myself.
My husband did not stay at home for most holidays. Either could go to a friend's house, or go to the elderly parents anywhere.
Eventually that day my husband was at home I entered the house and closed the door and asked directly, 'I do not like you? We both have not been intimate for once. What is your problem? 'He replied,' I have no problem! '
I thought it was an opportunity to be intimate with him. I was trying to attract him. But there was no fruit. In any way, I could not get excited.
I did not know who to talk to it about. One day, suddenly, I came to know that he was an eunuch (malevolent). The doctors confirmed it before marriage. He and his parents knew everything. But nothing was told to me. I have been deceived.
I knew the truth, but he had no shame in it. Yet he never acknowledged his mistake.