Some things I have learned / admitted to myself on the last day of 2018:
I have unbalanced attachments to my siblings and parents
On many occasions I have been overwhelmed with the knowing that upon my birth in this body, I absorbed information and learned to reflect behaviours based on the internal experiences of those in my immediate vicinity, a.k.a my family. Over time this knowing has uncovered layers heavy and slow to shed. Feelings of obligation arise in every interaction, my existence associating its meaning with helping; living to fix and bypassing this body altogether. My subconscious programming a result of observing developmental stages, serving up judgement and reward accordingly. Do I exist when I am alone? The answer is yes but the question continues.
I have chosen relationships based on pain and trauma
Easily taken to escapism, any opportunity to pour my source into another vessel. It evolved from books that would hover for days as a phantom memory, shows that I would hold my eyes open to, imagining the portrayals replaced my own reality. Bleeding into human connection, wide-eyed at the intimacy of sharing pain I have engaged in the co-creation of journeys which find my feet floating; always above all but my own path.
I hold tension as a form of active repression
A relaxed face is unfamiliar, third eye held shut by wide, welcoming eyes. Extremities drawn in around the soft self, I hold my body, hold my breath, tightly tightly don't let go
I am my chosen environment
Since discovering the truth of this conscious birth, I thank my self every day, thank every day.
I am loved as more than a mirror
This year has sent many messages asking for vulnerability, for exploring responsibility. I am recognised as all my parts; reflective and projecting, absorbing and emitting, asking and receiving and being.
I am becoming inspired honesty
The human experience is an amalgamation of unique expression from one source. It is important to share our stories; when they are different, when they are similar, when they are true to this life we have chosen together. We cannot speak for one another, we are always learning from each and every interaction; an answer that will never be the same and will always recognise itself. My space is here to be occupied, my body asks to be felt, and I am here for it, inward and out.
Glad to be here, grateful to share
xxx
Laura