There's one Nigerian adage that says that you can't be an ogbanje and be a pauper at the same time (or something like that). Anyways, it's a saying I hold very dear to my heart. I'm quite fat and in order not to allow people of this world to call me orobo, I try to respect myself especially in public transports.
How you may ask. Well, if I'm boarding a taxi that carries 4 people at the back, I either pay for 2 seats or struggle to get the front and balance properly. Simply put, I cannot be fat and still be poor on top of it. I have to pick a struggle.
If I don't have money for 2 seats, I simply pray and fast that the driver picks only slim people or that he doesn't fully load his motor until I get to my destination. Most times, my prayers get answered but today, I think God was more interested in those thanking him for our president's return.
Na so I reach under bridge and flagged a taxi. It was full but once it stopped, 3 people alighted. I entered immediately and told the driver my bus stop. My fare was 100 naira and I had change. But I made a costly mistake. I didn't look at those left in the vehicle before entering.
As a rule, I never enter a vehicle that is already carrying another orobo. No matter how desperate I am, I simply wait for another vehicle. Two kings cannot rule a kingdom and 2 orobos cannot coexist peacefully in a taxi. It had served me properly in the past but like I said, I dunno what I was thinking before entering.
Now, the lady I'm referring to was not just an orobo, she was like three times my size and I'm not exaggerating. She had already occupied the whole back of the driver's seat that was meant for two. I sized her mentally and knew that I wasn't cut out for this life. It was time to come down.
Before I could, another igbo man jumped in and I knew he was igbo from the way he said gwalimpa instead of gwarimpa. The driver told him 100 naira too and he agreed. Next thing, he looked at the orobo woman close to me and an igbotic hey escaped his mouth.
The driver started moving but was still searching for 1 more passenger. The car was already very tight with just 3 people and the igbo man was already grumbling. To make matters worse, the woman brought out egg roll and started eating in the taxi. This woman was breaking all the fat rules. If you are fat and in a public transport, the only thing you are allowed to eat is cucumber. At least to let the general public know that you were putting in conscious effort into weight watching.
But this woman no send o. Gladly munching her roll and nodding to the beats off the radio. I knew something was going to erupt and it did as soon the driver saw another passenger.
'Oga dliver, abeg where you wan put this extla passenger?' The igbo man asked
'I no sabi o. Na 4 I dey carry for back, make una shift.' Driver responded
I made a conscious effort to shift but it was like moving against a brick wall. Nothing. I would have offered to pay the extra 100 naira but I didn't because firstly I wasn't the one taking up the extra space, secondly, the culprit was still munching egg roll and thirdly, I had just 300 naira and was heading to the bank.
The fourth passenger we were supposed to accommodate put her head through the window and asked us to shift again.
'Bia young girl, the onry way you can join us here is if you go let that aunty rap you o.' The igbo man said to her
The fat woman looked up
'Oga are you talking to me?'
'Hian, I didn't call names o. I just said that she should go to your window side and shout that shift. After all, na you corret all the space for hia.'
The fat woman turned around, stretched her hand over my head and poked the man.
'Useless man, is that how you talk to your wife at home?'
'If my wife fat like you, maka Chukwu, I for don less am. Bia madam no touch me again.' He said poking her back.
I looked at both parties. I didn't know who to pacify and I was in the middle of the storm. I was just glad that I wasn't the fat person on the receiving end. But as a good christian, I shifted forward and told the driver to forget about the 4th person that I would pay. Anything just to avoid trouble. I thought that would quell the mini riot but I thought wrong.
As I was reaching to get my wallet out, I heard the igbo man call the fat woman yokozuna. I was about to reprimand him about body shaming when a hand that was larger than my thigh reached over and landed a slap on the igbo man's face. Before I knew what was happening, I was caught in the middle of the exchange o. Blow, knock, slap, and different objects were just flying up and down. As I tried to dodge by climbing to join the man in front, egg yolk landed on my eye. Make I clear the yolk, na so the woman, in the bid to blow the man again, blew my nose instead.
I saw stars and before I knew what hit me, blood started pouring from my fragile nose. At the sight of the blood, they both stopped fighting. Driver asked everyone to get down that he wasn't going again. We all got down and the driver drove away.
Anyways, the fat woman looked at me, hissed and brought out the remnant of her egg roll and continued eating. The igbo man was still abusing the woman's generations in igbo and didn't even spare me a look. I kuku took myself to the hospital and thankfully, nothing was broken. Praise the Lord.
You can't afford to hold your laughter. 😂
