After yesterdays weird lunch, my weekend just got stranger!
I set off on my cycle this morning with my daughter in tow, we were heading to the home made ice cream shop. It is a superb tasting ice cream to be fair. The location is a few clicks down the lanes from where we live, and the sunshine was out to play so all was good in the world.
NIGEL!
I heard this loud obnoxious English voice behind me, that just does not happen here, I have been here 4 years and never seen a Brit within 15 miles of my farm, sure there are plenty in the next big city, though none on my stamping ground.
I turned to look and was greeted with a very enthusiastic smile - Nigel, he said, as though I was supposed to be delighted somehow. He repeated it again though this time with a nod and a wink. My heart somehow shrunk and any semblance of a smile disappeared.
Within 10 seconds Nigel was standing over my table offering his hand. I heard you speaking English said Nigel, I guess this meant in Nigel's mind I would be as happy to meet him as he was me.
4 months he boomed!
Turns out I had somehow avoided him for that long, though no more it would seem, to make matters worse normal Nigel had a daughter and son both around my daughters age. Nigel called them over to meet my daughter Amelia, and insisted they should be friends. My daughter reacted about the same as me, recoiling in her seat, and retreating nose first into her ice cream cone.
Nigel pulled up a seat and insisted on telling me his whole life story, it took around 5 minutes! He also had to show me his new BMW X5 and even went as far as offering to take us all for a drive, I politely refused.
Nigel then went full English retard on me, and started complaining about people not speaking "English" here, in the middle of rural "POLAND" Nigel also hates the food. I am not sure what Nigel likes apart from his car, children and house.
Can it get any worse?
Nigel started asking where I live after telling me which house he had bought 4 months ago. Over there I pointed to nowhere near where I live.
Now this is what I do not like about normal Nigel's of the world, apart from everything about him. He invited himself to my BBQ this afternoon after my daughter let slip we were having one. I pointed to the sky and said "rain" later, Nigel was having none of it though, it will be fine he boomed.
Sharp exit!
I bundled my daughter on her cycle and made a sharp exit, leaving Nigel still talking as we left, I kept waving and saying BYE as loud as possible, above his requests to come back. You see unlike normal Nigel, I moved here to get away from the UK and from everyone knowing my business.
To be continued? I hope not, I am loading my shotgun as I speak. :-)
Deliberators verdict = Truman show be dammed - I refuse to partake.
Image CC0 Pixabay