You might not like me after watching this....
Some might gawk, unfollow or even flag every post I make from now on because you don't want me in this community anymore but it's a risk I'm willing to take. I took a huge leap of faith and shared with you an "episode" of mine a few months back so I'm here to ask you... can you handle another? I feel somewhat confident I can share this with the steemit community and show how sometimes I can be a little too intimidating and complicated to deal with, in regards to my "struggles"
This Is Very Awkward & Uncomfortable... as it should be
What you are about to see is pretty disturbing and very embarrassing for me. It was around 2am and I drove to the mother of my child's house to cause this retarded disturbance. I was completely at wrong in this video. Not only for filming it just to try and justify my point but also for blowing up and reacting the way I did.
Justification
Everyone has disagreements and we each try to justify the choices we make and feel better about ourselves, not who we disagree with. When I feel disrespected I flare up quick and I stay heated till I either fall asleep or down whiskey. As much as I want to deny it, I have to admit my attitude and quick fuse is due to my disorder.. I remember when I wasn't like this... I remember when someone would disagree with me and it was water under the bridge, we'd move on and say "Fuck It, Whatever Dude" but for the past 3 to 4 years that passive attitude is beyond me and I can't seem to be that same person.I want to apologize to my son's mother who willingly manages to put up with me from time to time... She doesn't deserve to be treated like this and I have no excuses to be acting the way I do. The problem is that I have to be right and if I smell fear... I attack even harder. As much as I call her "pathetic" in this video, I fail to realize how pathetic I sound talking down on her, even worst is she's half asleep.
What Grinds My Gears
When I blow up, the bashing and "put downs" easily roll off my tongue as my rage snowballs out of control and in that moment I'm unable to logically think about the situation I'm creating. My anger is so heavy, I'm unable to comprehend the idea of being wrong and without that ability... my words grow harsh.
Recently a situation like this happened again but this time I finally managed to distance myself and for once, realized that even if she'd admit that she was at fault for a disagreement, what would happen after that? absolutely nothing... I would still in fact be boiling even hotter. At some point the argument we had, already ended but I was still pushing further with my anger. I believe when I'm in this type of "episode" I'm not really conscious... it's similar to when I have a PTSD episode... I get aggressive, defensive and throw morals or formalities out the window. I become this person who feels as if this is a flight or fight moment and all I'm doing is fighting.
In Hindsight...
You never once see me in this video and I know my son's mother isn't happy with its existence either... but I feel that even tho at the time.. I thought filming this was to show her how pathetic She looked, it was actually my subconscious fully aware of my mental instability, filming this to SHOW ME HOW PATHETIC I LOOKED. Situations like this are avoidable and the most recent argument proves so. If I just step away for a second and think about what I'm really arguing about, I might realize there's no actual point to be made... I'm just, heated and need a breather. The big question I keep asking myself is.. am I a sociopath because I really have no limit on, how horrible I try to make someone feel. Maybe just being able to consider this, might eliminate that possibility and I do hope it does.
In fact, I kind of now wish this video didn't exist, that I never filmed it and didn't have any proof of this character flaw but I did film it... and I bite my nails and vape a little harder just watching it over. It's because of this understanding, I'm sharing it with everyone in the community who follows the "NobodysPerfect" episodes. I know this doesn't look good on me at all but I am willing to share if it means someone who might consider themselves a monster, realizes that even someone funny, happy and cheerful like me... is actually someone like them. I hope this video reminds you that you are not alone, not a monster and very well capable of working past these unfortunate episodes. After all... NOBODYS PERFECT
My apologies if this video offends you but I must remind you this series isn't very pleasing... this is about my journey which includes very dark times in my life.
Till Next Time... Adios Amigos
@MrWang Looking For Sponsors & Funding To Raise Production Value of Steemit Videos. As you can see from above... I'm still going to make the videos happen.. but with your help, STEEM, advice, tips and donations, creating and producing these videos will be a heck of a lot easier and a "BAZILLION" times higher in quality.
Crowdfunding Campaign
Check out my Indiegogo campaign as I look to purchase a studio to continue producing and raising the value of ALL my video productions...
Carranza Production Studio
