The lovely 
This happened to be a serious conversation about how women are raised to not speak about sexuality, and the fears this may produce considering many men may feel we are a slut, especially if we get too explicit in our feelings. Some women call this slut shaming. During this conversation I brought up that I was hesitant to express my true feelings and thoughts about sexuality due to judgments.
These loving women who shall remain nameless encouraged me to take it slow and open up at my own pace. Maybe just talking about how I was raised with extreme Christian restrictions or expressing my need for modesty first. I love these women for helping me get through a block I had at that moment.
Since then I have written a couple of #freewrite pieces to help me get warmed up to gather my thoughts and feelings about feminine sexuality.
In all honesty I love sex and I love talking about the subject. If I could I would talk about it all day, maybe because I feel it is a natural way of expression and being human, or just because I have always loved physical expression. I love any form of art including dance, painting, or playing a musical instrument. These forms of self expression are the wonders of the world in my mind.
When I lived in New York City, I would walk for hours in any given gallery in amazement. The art and the culture found in The City is immeasurable. My favorite was going to the theater, we all have our own favorite form of art, and theater is mine. I was fortunate to have seen so many actors express sexuality through body language and works of art. I feel truly blessed to have the life experiences I have enjoyed.
While taking a series of American Sign Language classes I was able to watch the Vagina Monologues, with a sign language interpreter. This went with our class section of human sexuality in sign. For the first time I felt appreciation for being a woman and something akin to pride after that performance. This play along with the show Sex In The City changed the way women would communicate sex in future generations. These women paved the way for women to be "allowed" self-expression. The shame was slowly leaving my soul and body.
Child feminine sexuality
I was not raised to express sexuality, if I think about it I was punished. I was always a very shy girl, an only child, and unable to express my feminine sexuality. I was always embarrassed and ashamed of my body. Even when I lived in Japan and Korea and visited nude bath houses at a young age I was hardly able to keep my head up as we walked naked through the women's only bath houses. This was a very precarious time for me. I grew to do what I needed to but I could not get over the shame of my body.
Do not get me wrong here, I always masturbated and loved Playboy magazines. I masturbated probably from the time I was five years old and my male cousin introduced me to the Playboy magazines hidden away in my aunt's closet. We even had the innocent cousin hump now and again until my aunt caught us and we were punished. Forever banished to explore our sexuality, at least with members of the family. Don't judge.
Sometimes my cousin and I would sneak a peak to view my aunt and uncle having sex but it was under the covers and nothing to be learned. Quite boring really. Watching my parents was a no no, at least from my perspective. I just could not stomach hearing my mother in ecstasy. Yuck. But hey if you are into that, I am not one to form an opinion.
As a child, most of the time my mother (who had been molested as a baby) would keep our doors locked and push a dresser in front of the bedroom door. She lived in fear of men and some of this fear permeated into my world until I was able to shake it years later. It is my feeling that these situations bring about many issues and blocks for anyone later on in life. It takes a lot to move past this and let it go.
There were attempts to molest me as a child but I was a very strong and an angry little girl. I honestly bit some old man's lip when he tried to pump my bottom while I sat on his lap and he tried kiss me. I was nine years old. That man never came around the house again. A supposed "friend of the family." I look back now and just shake my head and admire that young girl. What a little lion that girl was and remained.
Budding feminine sexuality
Moving forward in time, I had plenty of men after me and chasing me down the streets of San Francisco, especially at a young age. This started when I was 12 years old and has not stopped. I was very young when a man offered me $100 dollar bills while walking through Mission Street. I recall feeling very sick to my stomach and wanting to smash the guys face in -- shrugs. What I say to all men is that unless a girl has something going on in her life doing that does not get a girl sexually excited. Men should really know better if you ask me.
Throughout my teens male dominance towards me was everywhere. Not only on the streets but on buses, in high school, and pretty much everywhere I went that boys and men were trying to pick me up. I always had a feeling it was about male control than anything real. There were older men, men who were quite handsome, rich men, men who were poor, some rather unattractive men but either way I was not interested. Some part of me felt objectified and this turned me off completely. I closed off sex at that point and was not interested. Except for masturbation, that was always my friend.
I had many crushes and fantasies of boys and girls in high school but I just did not feel I was capable of mentally handling a relationship or even just sex. I was still ashamed of my body and held back any form of emotions toward my feminine sexuality. I constantly felt awkward and alone, it was a rough time period so I focused my attention on roaming the streets of San Francisco alone and reading romance novels.
As I grew older I met a young man when I was 20 years old, I guess I figured it was time to try out the physical aspect of sex and it was not that great. I sort of fell for the line, "I'll only put it in a little bit," but of course a little bit is enough. He was uncircumcised and not very clean, he had no idea what he was doing even though he felt he knew it all. I was turned off yet again. I found out this is pretty much the thought pattern of most men, they feel they have the biggest dick and can make any woman cum. Sadly, this is not the case at least this has not been the case with me. The majority of the time men are not very good at sex.
Young adult feminine sexuality
I have had my sexual excursions with a few men, but none that made an impression. Some were okay but most were not that great. As a young 20 year old sexuality was completely turned when I "found religion," and I swore off sex for the sanctity of celibacy until I got married. I was eight years celibate, but since I'm being honest I have to say that masturbation was still an added pleasure that I entertained once in awhile.
During that time I had thought a lot about what feminine sexuality meant to me. It was the realization that if only our partners (whether it be men or women) understood that having good sex means actually feeling the touch of someone and reaching inside the soul, well that is what makes for amazing sex. Some swear lovemaking is really worth waiting for, well I am here to say that if sex is done right there is nothing wrong with that either.
Woman feminine sexuality
When us women are honest with ourselves and are opened up by that one special person, and our soul cries out in ecstasy and orgasm that is the point worth living for! This is an amazing feeling. Do not kid yourselves guys, women love sex and when we meet that man that opens us up we give it all and want more and more and more. We cannot get enough.
I briefly met a man where the sex was okay but he was not a good man. He was not a kind soul and we parted ways after a very brief relationship. Sometimes when someone is not a kind person, well the sex just isn’t good. Let’s face it we need sex. About the best sexual encounter I had with him was when we masturbated each other in a parked car in a parking lot. Maybe it was the aspect of possibly getting caught that made it so erotic. Overall, the connection died quickly. Feminine sexuality needs a special touch or it will die.
Unleasing the lioness feminine sexuality
Later on in my sexual journey I met David and he was pretty much the Adonis every woman thinks she will find and love forever. Well, I have to say that David popped the doors off my Mustang. Don’t ask me why I picked that car, I’m a Cali girl after all. The love and sex was everything that us girls imagine it will be like. I did everything with this man and I could not get enough. I would go into explicit detail but I will write that up in my little sex #freewrite episodes. Some of the stories are based on truth and those are experiences I had with David.
Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have sex with a woman, but in all honesty the only thing that might interest me are big tits. Should I say breasts at this point ... I dunno. I like saying big titties better. I do wonder what it would be like to suck on a beautiful nipple and bring a woman to orgasm. I am not sure I could go all the way with sucking on a clit or fucking her with a dildo. As you can see, I have watched my fair share of porn.
I never engaged in an orgy. Although I have had a few opportunities. Of all things some Mormon kids in high school would get together and fuck in the back of a truck or after school at someone’s home. I wasn’t that attracted to them to begin with, so all bets were off.
Another invitation I happened upon was a private invite to a huge party in New York City where everyone was fucking away on all floors and pretty much everything was a Go. I just sort of watched as men did men, women did women, women and men. Thank goodness no animals were present. I did find the scene pretty hot. Drugs were everywhere and all sexes were just going at it from all directions. It was basically open season. I guess for some that would mean I was a lucky girl, but in all honesty I have a thing against fluids. From that experience I did feel my sexual femininity raise a few bars.
The fluid issue I have must stem from my years of being around AIDS patients in San Francisco, but all in all I love me some gays and sex. I do not judge and to me I do not care who has sex. Love is love. I have learned over the years that I am very accepting of people no matter what their sexual choices. I love sex so why shouldn't everybody else? I do not want to be forced into a cause but I certainly am for anyone wanting a right to their freedom to choose.
This writing started with my hesitancy to share my sexuality and at the same time being feminine. Coming out of the #nocomfortzone. The openness I feel about how women in society are judged, yet when we express our feeling we may be called a slut. I have met more women in my life that feel and talk worse then men. We love sex and this is a large part of being human.
Hopefully, one day women will be given the freedom to speak in a way that is open about our true feminine sexuality without any judgments or as if we have to be in the #nocomfortzone. We are woman. Peace.
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