Header 1Timing

Dressed in his usual breastplate and foppish hat the first man yells, “I’m telling you Dert, this is not the time, nor the place for this conversation.” While dispatching an Orc Barbarian from the Frozen Plains of the North.
“Thou’s grip of the current situation is forever blind. Thee’s intent is not forth with that thou shouldest forsake the noble mission of present that thus are assisting in.” Dertremonious responds while dodging one after another brutal attack from his current foes and responding with a blinding flurry from his twin rapiers dispatching four foes in fluid motion. “Thou and thee could have an entertaining time here, just like the last three years on campaign here.”
Jon turns to respond, just then a horn call is sounded off to the north which causes the orcish barbarian horde to begin a haphazard retreat leaving Jon and Dertremonious without any foes in easy reach. Jon glances at Dertremonious, “Another fine day at the office. Don’t forget, we are open from eight AM until five PM, Monday through Friday, except legal holidays.” As the two watch the horde continues its retreat back into their camps north of town – Just how many tribes can there be in the Frozen Plains of the North. It is like they keep throwing more and more lives away every year. You would think that they could take a hint, ‘You’re not wanted here without an attitude adjustment.’ – Like the most profound thoughts tend to occur, at the most unprofound times, the sound of multiple horns blowing accompanied with an audible chant from the camps of the barbarian hordes. The Orcish Barbarians from the Frozen Plains of the North continuously repeat the chant of “Grummish” (God-King).
“Thee’s thoughts lead to the conclusion that it would be prudent to sound the retreat. For thee’s own ears hear an ominous sound, thee’s nose smells something wretched, and thee’s eyes seeth this years war chief and his entourage approaching that location with the greatest of hasteth.” Dertremonious stands and points toward the northern horizon as dusk begins to descend upon the lands.
Damn half-elven vision, he sees twice as well as my poor human sight can in this low-light of dusk; however, that smell, from such a distance, could only mean this years the barbarian hordes have acquired a new weapon to throw against us, Ogers. – Jon turns to watch Dertremonious performing an expeditious retreat with his magically enhanced boots increasing his natural speed, so he activates his magical cloak and begins flying after the half-elf. Once above him Jon says, “You can tell me your important message above the North Gate of Bane’s Revenge. Last one there buys the first round tonight at the Arena Bar and Grill.”
Dertremonious arrives to the sight of Jon on the crenelations of the battlements above the North Gate of Bane’s Revenge. “Everyone appears to be getting back inside the walls just fine, so what is this important message and grand reason as to just why your wife could not join us in this year’s festivities. Gods above know we could use her talents right about now.”
Smiling Dertremonious responds, “Since thou asketh with such regal demeanor, thee will attempteth to enlighten thou of such prodigious news.” Just then the town’s gates close with a sudden jolt and ear ringing crash followed by the grating sounds of the locking bars being put into place. A few seconds later Dertremonious continues, “Though thou’s foes appear more virulent than ever this year, thee’s wife doth have pressing business in our own lands and will remain unavailable for this campaign season. Much to thee’s own discomfort, thee’s wife doth remain separated from thee’s arms much like thou’s own wife doth this year miss out on the fine entertainment offered up by our gracious host this campaigning year.”
“Get to the point Dert.”
“As thee’s soon to be coronated king requests. Thou’s reason for thou’s wife’s absence was to take care of thou’s own home castle. Thee’s wife also hath business at the home castle to attend to and she doth sendeth her deepest apology for her absence this campaign year.”
Horns sound again this time much closer to the town and disrupting Dertremonious’ oration. Both men turn toward each other as a very thick rope descends between them and a large crashing sound comes from just inside the walls behind them. They both turn their sights upon the rope and glance in the direction of the crashing sound in order to observe an extremely large grappling hook attached to the rope and jutting out of a building that is just inside the towns walls as they hear more crashing sounds close by that are ominously familiar now.
As the two continue to observe the rope is pulled on from outside the town dislodging it from the building it had sunk into and latching it onto the inside of the towns walls. Then Dertremonious quips, “Jon, it looketh like thou’s flying up here hath inspired some rather unfair practices on behalf of thou’s foe.” Then the sound of the wall straining to remain erect grates on the men’s ears as the grappling hooks and ropes are all pulled at the same time straining the mortared stones of the wall.
“You would do anything to not have to buy the first round, won’t you Dert?” Jon exhales in exasperation as the guttural sounds of some obscure divine enchantment is being cast drones from outside the town’s walls. Using his mental ability to see and under stand magic, Jon notices a strong glow emanating from the ropes and after concentrating for a little longer he can tell that the rope has been enchanted to be as strong as steel. “Magic? Could the hordes actually be employing magic this year?”
“Doth appear so. Thou’s enemy hath gathered a large number of shaman to provide divine strength to those Oger-looking Orcs on the ropes.”
“New strategies, never before seen open use of strong magic, and this smaller Oger-Orc hybrid of a Brute; Just who is this latest Grummish of the Barbarian Hordes of the North?”
"Mayhap, thee’s soon to be liege lord, it could be that forthwith stout individual over there wearing that copper spiked crown while standing between those lines of the Ogre-Orc Brutes whom are overly aggressive at tugging on yonder ropes.”
“Fantastic, the six years of activity from these hordes we were the only side employing strong magics. I can not understand how these barbarians got so smart as to take that advantage away from us.”
More horns sound and the Brutes take it as their signal to heave even harder on the ropes with their magically enhanced strength that makes the wall shudder and groan under the men’s feet causing Dertremonious to yell, “Thee doth thinketh it would be prudent to extradite thus personages from thus’ present location.”
“Your soon to be liege concurs. Let us get everyone down from here Dert.” Jon turns to give the order to abandon the wall over the North Gate; however, the fates were fickle and just then the section of the wall over the town’s North Gate collapses under the immense strain, tumbling men and stones to the ground some thirty feet below.
As Dertremonious falls he screams, “MY WIFE IS PREG-NAAAAAAAAANNNNNNTTTTTTT!!!!!!!”
Breathing heavily from near exhaustion, Jon looks to Dertremonious and says, “Remind me to thank our host for not sending in those Brutes for that would surely have finished us off with a quickness. It seems it is the only thing allowing us to remain defiant in the face of this year’s hordes. Crazy that these barbarians are so smart that they can use magic but so stupid as to not utilize a strength to its fullest.”
“The latest update from Lord Bane noted that we ran out of arrows and crossbow bolts over an hour ago, so our main advantage is now gone, and I am so worn out that I could not even cast the simplest of spells like I even have any left to cast.”
Jon smirks, “Not so flowery in your use of language now, are you?” grinning broadly he continues, “I know you are probably responsible for more than your share of these dead enemies, so go ahead and take a break from the thee and thou for today. I think we all have earned a respite from your flowery tongue.”
Dertremonious responds by sticking out his lower lip and saying, “Thee liege lord to be hath harmed thee’s loyal feelers.” Then gives a resounding belly laugh while swinging his twin rapiers terminating two more unlucky foes. “Sure do wish I knew what those big ugly devils were up to though.”
“Be careful what you wish for Dert.” Jon says as horns sound outside the east of town. Both men look at each other before sprinting as fast as their weary bodies will allow towards the towns center to make their way to the East Gate, “No rest for the wicked.”
Dertremonious rounds the corner of the temple square in the center of Bane’s Revenge at a full sprint and begins heading down the East Gate road toward the gate. As he stops, to catch his breath, in front of the gates of Lord Bane’s Keep he spies in the dim light of the torches still lite on the top of the gates crenellations, the now all too familiar sight of the magical ropes and oversized grappling hooks which are already securely impaled into the towns wall that runs over the East Gate of the city. As he quips, “Damn smart for stupid barbarians.” Jon catches up to him.
“True! True!,” Jon pants while trying to catch his breath. Then as he gasps for air, “Guess that means my coronation ceremony won’t commence as planned? Nora is going to be sorely vexed. I’d sure hate to be this Grummish when she finds out about my death. She is at our Palatial Keep at the northern tip of the Great Lake. It has a beautiful view of the Mount off of our bedroom’s balcony.”
“Poor King Jon late for his own coronation.” Dertremonious’ smile fades as the wall over the eastern gate crumbles from the brutish strength of the half breeds of this year’s hordes. “This sure will make life interesting, for a very short time anyway.” Dertremonious proclaims as he draws his thumb across his throat to mean death is eminent.
“You poor chap, don’t you believe your King to Be has everything under control? Is not he mighty, wise, and powerful enough for any situation, boon or bane, that the fickle gods thrust him into?” Both men break into a rampant fit of laughter as the Orcs begin clamoring over the remains of the wall to gain access to the city of Bane’s Revenge.
Jon raises his voice, “Lord Bane, get the remaining town-folk and soldiers inside your keep. And arm everyone, man, woman, child invalid or not. Sticks and stones if you have nothing else available. NOW!!!” then both men rush toward the hordes and their destinies.
After fighting the rest of the night in a retreating motion slowly being forced toward the gates of Lord Bane's keep Jon and Dertremonious are the last two standing outside the gates as the survivors are ushered inside to relative safety.
“Damn big bastards still not in the fight yet. What do you think they are up to now Jon!?!” Dertremonious says while the gates to Lord Bane's Keep are closed behind them.
“If I could divine that information Dert do I win the million gold piece prize?” Jon smiles at Dertremonious, “Well if our luck holds then those brutes are a two gates a day variety. And we can get a rest for a few hours before they attempt that trick on this old keep's walls.” Jon responds while the two men walk toward the actual keep doors.
“And ya know that gate is so small, I doubt it wil ltake half of those brutes to pull it down.” Dertremonious says while winking at Jon.
"Well I know we have both been up for over 36 hours so I think the king will grant us a couple hours of shuteye.” Just then the horns sound again outside the keeps walls, “Damn will they never rest. Even the sun says its a new day. Jon turns to dertremonious, “Guess we better stay here and get ready.”
“Yes my leige to be.” Dertremonious says just to watch Jon cringe again.
Turning to face the keep's gate the men see the oversized grapling hooks sail over the wall and again are pulled tight against the walls before them. “Well Dert at least I won't be the deadbeat dad. I'll leave that position to you.”
“No your widow will convince mine to move into the palacial keep together and they can raise the girl in a proper palace like a princess.”
“You already know its a girl?” Jon sputters as the grappling hooks are fully lodged into the wall.
“Yes, my wife was compelled by a capricious god on her last adventure in a distant land and was impregnated with another man's child. You do know that I am impotent in that regard since the hunting accident. Damn Green Dragons. So our Lady of Magic allowed her to divine the childs sex and that she will enjoy the rougher landscapes of this world.”
“A druid, really? That should make you proud.” Jon winks ad Dertremonious, “Think that your Lady of Magic could divine a solution for me and Nora to have children? Its not like we hav't been trying for over two years. Well Officially.” Jon gives Dertremonious a knowing broad smile.
“You scoulndrel, we first need to survive this little spring encounter before I can even ask for such a boon from the Lady of Magic.” Just then the wall groans and crumbles before their eyes, “Awe shit, time to earn your crown your magisty.”
Jon groans at both the unclever attempt of Dertremonious' pun and at seeing the large brutes clammoring over the rubble pile that was a wall a few seconds ago, “Guess their done with wall crushing duty for today.” Jon unsheaths his rapier and dagger while preparing to face this latest threat to the sound of even more horns to the east, “What else doest this years campaign have in store for us Dert?”
Just then Dertremonious throws an unsuspecting Jon to the ground and attempts to cover his would be king as the morning sky turns black with arrows over Bane's Revenge. With Jon struggling to get a glimps of what his oldest and dearest friend is trying to protect him from and his face goes pale as he whispers, “This is sure enough overkill.” but to his and Dertremonious' supprise not a single shaft falls within ten feet of them, nor within ten feet of any of the towns remaining defenders; however, the barbarian hordes, especially their burtish halfbreeds, start sprouting so many arrows they look like pin cushions.
Dertremonious stands quickly yelling, “Elven Arrows. Everybody up!!! Prepare for battle form lines!!!” then he reaches down to assist Jon to his feet, “Wouldn't do your subjects well to see their king to be lying down on the job.”
“And just whom put me there in there in the hour of triump? Hmmm.” Jon can't help but smile, “Elves, I will never hear the end of this from them for coming to the rescue of the would be king of the North. Who asked them to the party anyway?”
Dertremonious sheepishly says, “Well, I do understand your feelings my King to be, however, Orcs and Elves are not historically friendly towards each other. So, I merely informed their Paladine King that his men were rusty and could use the target practice.” Then grinning, “Of course I had to prove my point by trouncing his champion in a thrice flawless first blood match.”
“Lord Bane, lets secure the town and prepare to send these gate crashers packing.” Jon says to a smiling man in full platemail armor that just arrived beside the two men. “Then lets find this elven commander and welcome him with open arms and our gratitude.”