iii
Last night I wrapped up a package for my lady friend. When I went to the Post Office to send it by first class recorded delivery I got asked what was in it. So I told them it contained a box of milk tray, six stamps, and a letter. Then I said "all because the lady loves milk tray" and it got a bit of a laugh by the Post Office people.
K____ took an overdose of 98 metaformin (500mg) tablets. We called an ambulance as we thought it was an emergency.
Today, I am forty nine years old. So I am going to The Rule for an all day breakfast this morning probably with G____ as he is still here.
Over a forty year period I have noticed how much things have changed. Twenty years ago in the hospital they were trying out a medicine on me and P____ came to visit me in my ward. He was making a sound with his can of cola and then asked if this was irritating me and I said it was, as it was. Within ten minutes of this I took a dystonic reaction to the new medicine and it was as if my brain was on fire. This was very painful and I had to get two emergency intramuscular injections of procyclidine to make it go away. Perhaps when my brain was on fire this was causing me brain damage. B___ from down the coast said what the fuck are they doing giving you injections? When they should have handed you a fire extinguisher!
I was on the phone to A____. He was telling me he had a bottle of rum on Friday night and got completely inebriated. That sort of thing is not for me now as I want to spend my money on astronomy instead. It's up to the individual what they spend their money on. And I won't say for certain that I won't smoke the joint again. Like that James Bond film 'Never Say Never Again' with Sean Connery (1983 I think) who said that he'll never play Bond again but did. And talking about Sean Connery, he is a huge star and he comes from Scotland. Hence the phrase 'Great Scott'. It's not clear to me why this is but Scotland seems to produce impressive people and has done for a long time and will continue to do this. When Scotland gets its independence this place (which is already getting better now that we have the Scottish Government) will become better and better hopefully for all.
Yesterday I heard a rebel song that went: fuck your union jack, we want our country back! I've identified the image of the unknown man after looking into it. It's James Scott, founder of Scottish Resistance. For years I have tried to stay out of politics. Do I look like Mussolini? But because of the political situation in the UK today with too much British rule, I might have to join Scottish Resistance or at least get a Scottish Resistance t-shirt. The British Empire is almost completely gone and Britain is now falling apart. Prince Charles will probably be the last King of Britain. The end of Britain is the only outcome that can happen. Theresa May is fighting on two fronts, one front with the European Union and another front with Scotland. Theresa May is negotiating with the EU on one front. And the Scots on another front. Have I got this correct? And as for Unionists that think that Britain is still an important country they have got it wrong and are deluded. And the British have nothing to be proud of. They were involved in the slave trade and went all over the World killing people and taking over their countries. Who the fuck would want to be proud of that? Do you want to live in a society in which people compete with each other? Or do you want to live in a society in which people help each other? And education is a great big lie to control and oppress us without us realising it. That's what they don't want us to know. The authorities call it dangerous thinking. It is only dangerous to them.
Because I want peace with the British. British rule must end in Scotland. There is a lot of talented people in Scotland. When we get independence we will do very well. And I don't mind the English coming here if they are in to an independent Scotland and want to contribute. Some of the English like to be here because they like the way of life here. But I don't want unionist British people here trying to run things. And when Scotland gets its independence it will be good for the English living here and other nationalities as well as the Scots. We will all be taking part in a new country that we all love and we will all be co operating with each other and it will be exciting and quite good fun. That's what should happen. I hope so.
In May I am voting numbers one and two for S__ in the council election. And in June I am voting S__ at the General Election.
C__ stands for C________ Psychiatric Nurse. The C__ comes from Stratheden. She books a room in St. Andrews Community Hospital for once a fortnight to give me my depot injection as part of ongoing psychiatric treatment. The room is booked for an hour and I am the only patient there that she gives a depot injection to. It's not clear why I get such good treatment but I am not complaining.
When I saw the C__ today when I was getting my depot injection she indicated that there is no problem in me visiting my lady friend who is in a different hospital. Even better she is arranging for me to get a bus pass so that I can get the bus to Glasgow for free. It was almost as if she was encouraging me to visit my lady friend on the West Coast.
This might sound weird but I had been getting voices outside of my head earlier on today and so had to retreat to my flat. They were saying anti social things. After my depot injection I fell asleep for about four hours this afternoon and now feel fine. It's as if I've taken some kind of weird drug, but I haven't. Soon (maybe next week) I travel by train to see my lady friend so I'd better get used to it. Later on I take more medicines then sleep more.
Over the past few days I have been getting frightening voices but just little bits here and there (the medicines are supposed to stop this from happening). Most nights I sleep well but this isn't one of them. There is too much mental activity in my brain. Enough for me to imagine sights and sounds as if I've had about four magic mushrooms. But I haven't been fooled by the illness so far this time and realise what's happening with me. It's called becoming a bit unwell and will pass (of course I can't expect the medicines to work 100% all the time). Also I got some idea into my head about two weeks ago that I wasn't smoking the hashish again. Are the two connected in any way?
As the morning is sometimes the best part of the day in Summertime, I got up at 1:20am. It took me two hours to get to the kitchen from the bedroom this morning. I had scrambled eggs (cooked in the microwave) with toast. It was nice and tasty. On the way I looked into the mirror and my eyes looked all doped up. Every time I tried to stand up I felt faint. And so I have to lie down on my bed. Yesterday I got my depot injection and I think they have put the dose up. The hospital must have found out and not liked what I've been saying recently and so have doped me up to shut me up. It's not clear if I will be able to go to the shops today. So I'd better shut the fuck up or else the authorities will make things worse for me. T____ got six weeks in the hospital for booting a tourist up the arse in Anstruther. So I'd better be more careful and understand the hospital's message.
Why is it that people think that there is something wrong with me because I don't want to be super rich or even rich? Me I don't want to be super rich and so don't take part in the lottery. In fact I don't even want to be rich. What I want to be is clever and that's why I have read a lot of books. It's good to have a bit of money. And you don't need much money to have a good time if you spend it wisely. All I need is just enough.
On Wednesday I travel by three trains and one bus to visit my lady friend that I haven't seen for four months. On Saturday I went to Dundee to get new clothing to spruce myself up for her. Dundee is now a great place to go shopping as there is so much choice with good prices. It's a place that has changed a lot compared to thirty years ago. And there are so many buses to get to Dundee and back from St. Andrews. Earlier on I sent a package to my lady friend. The large envelope contained a gel pen, a notepad, an address book, ten envelopes, twelve first class stamps, some biscuits, latte sachets, and a letter, all sent by first class recorded delivery. In total I spent £35 on her so I hope she likes what I sent her.
She is in Western Scotland and I can get a return for £46. My lady friend is mentally ill too so we have an understanding. Hopefully she won’t change her mind about me so I'll go clean shaven and neatly dressed to create a good impression.
Also I found out from A______ that he has got a place to live in Kirkcaldy. It's got two bedrooms and might have a bit of garden. And he suggested that he might be able to find work nearby in the Winter time. So I will visit him at his new place after he moves in. Of course, if things go the way I want them to go with my lady friend, then I certainly won't be introducing her to A______ for a long time! As I know what he's like!
Thing's are good for me here in the flat. But when I go outside it feels threatening. Being completely unmedicated is a bit like tripping on lots of acid or magic mushrooms. That's the best way that I can describe it. T____ who died recently understood this very well.
Yesterday I went to see my lady friend in Ayr. She got a big bunch of happy jolly looking flowers from me which cost £40. People in Ayr were commenting as I walked along the street with them saying things like: who is this woman that means so much to this man? The meeting went very well and we had a humourous time together and I got a kiss on the cheek. And today I filled out my divorce form. Next weekend I take the divorce form to my wife for her to fill out her part. They say only God can make something out of nothing, except for my wife. She can make something out of nothing so I am bringing a witness with me.
I don't know what has been wrong with me for the past few days but it's gone now. It's a mystery. I am in the Lade Braes thinking this is paradise.