Chapter Thirteen
Weeks passed, as Richard and Susan grew farther apart. Their relationship seemed to have passed the point of no return that he had experienced so many times before. The shorter his future became the less enthusiasm he had for it. He felt more isolated and alone than at any other time during his life. When he left the store he did not hesitate to place his keys in his pocket after locking its door. He knew exactly where he was going and didn’t bother to look both ways before crossing the street. Instead, he boldly moved toward the flickering neon sign that had drawn him into its dark confines.
He approached the door to Merlin’s and felt giddy at the prospects that awaited him inside. His anticipation bordered on juvenile. Confidently, Richard grabbed the over-sized door-handle, opened it and walked inside. Quickly he assessed the seating arrangements. There were not many people there. The two older gentlemen still occupied the booth near the back. Jake sat in the same seat as the last time Richard was there. Merlin leaned with his forearms on the bar scratching letters onto the crossword puzzle that he held in his hand. There was a young lady seated, alone, at the opposite end of the bar. She sat on the last stool where the bar dissolved into the wall. From her vantage point she saw everyone in the room.
Richard walked over to the bar and sat on a seat to the left of Jake, leaving one stool between them. He remained patient, looking at the bartender and waiting for him to look up from his paper. When he spied Richard, he gave him a quick smile, placed his puzzle on the bar and began to make his newest regular a drink with-out asking his preference. Richard did not mind. He spun around on his bar stool rather joyfully and stopped so that he faced the pool table. Leaning back against the bar, he stretched his arms across its edge. As he looked around he could feel Jake’s stare against the side of his face. The man’s overbearing dogma did not matter. The bar had become familiar and cozy.
Without a word, Merlin placed his drink on the counter. He heard the glass as it settled on the bar be-hind him, turned around, grabbed it, started and finished it without interruption. Before Merlin could return to his puzzle, Richard held his empty glass in the air. For days he had tried to sort out what his life had be-come and the alcohol seemed to help.
While he waited for his second drink he took notice of the young lady seated at the end of the bar. She was an attractive woman who appeared to be a con-temporary. There was something very familiar about her, but he could not figure out what it was. Lying on the bar in front of her was a pack of cigarettes with a lighter placed on top. A flute filled with white wine was next to them. She had one hand on the glass and the other rested on the bar next to her smokes. Her fingers were wrapped around its stem and her thumb gently stroked away the condensation. Her nails were French manicured. The woman was dressed in jeans and a smartly pressed polo. Her shirt was unbuttoned to the point of revealing her very ample bosom. Richard noticed she had a tattoo on her left breast. It was a red heart with a long ribbon, delicately wrapped around it. Richard guessed that underneath were several names of men with whom this woman had known, for good or bad.
She continued to stroke the glass as she looked around the room. He noticed when their eyes met the movement of her thumb became slower; more sensual.
When he finished his second drink, Merlin made him another. The alcohol began to loosen his inhibitions. He was relaxed and numb as he sat with his left forearm resting along the edge of the bar and his right elbow on its top with his chin in his hand. Once again, Richard glanced over at the mysterious woman. She looked at him. They smiled at one another. He gazed at her as she removed a cigarette from the pack lying on the bar. When she lit it she took a deep, heavy drag. The tip glowed white hot, and then returned to a normal orange glow as she removed it from her supple lips. She maintained eye contact by looking at him down the bridge of her nose as she tilted her head back and blew smoke into the air. It was all so sensual that he could not help but think she was interested in him.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, literally and figuratively speaking,” Jake said.
Richard looked around rather innocently, and replied, “Are you speaking to me?”
“Goddamn right I am.”
“Do what?”
“Mess with that girl.”
“I hadn’t planned on messing with her. Why? Is she yours?”
Jake laughed. “She’s been everybody’s. I’m just trying to save you a little heartache. I know how you get too attached to women.”
Merlin looked up from his puzzle and spoke directly to Jake. “Let the man make his own mistakes.”
Jake threw up his hands in surrender, acquiescing.
Richard could not resist a confrontation. “You have never once given me any advice, so why do you feel like now is the time to insert yourself into my life?”
The bar fell silent for several minutes. No one recalled anyone ever speaking to Jake in anger. The woman at the end of the bar snuffed out one cigarette and lit another, but said nothing. Jake looked at Merlin and shrugged his shoulders, not showing Richard the respect of acknowledging his question.
Richard became angrier. “I’m not a child. If you have something to say to me then say it. Otherwise, you can live out your days in this bar and grow to be an angry old man if that’s what you want.”
Jake turned to Richard. “Well, I ain’t your daddy either. If you’re looking for someone to hold your hand and love you, don’t look to me. The best advice my pappy gave me was, ‘looking for love is like searching for aliens. You’ll waste your whole life doing it and you end up with nothing in the end.’”
“Sage advice,” Richard said, sarcastically. “But no matter what experiences I’ve had in my life with the people I love, good or bad, I wouldn’t change a thing.”
“Not even the disappointments?”
Merlin shifted his gaze from Jake to Richard. The woman at the end of the bar leaned forward, resting her forearms on its edge. Smoke billowed in front of her face. Richard saw the glare of her eyes through it all. He turned to see the two old guys in the booth at the back of the bar. They both watched Richard, intent-ly. He lifted his empty glass into the air. Merlin got down from the counter, made him a new drink and slid it in front of him. He took a sip and explained. “I’ve had three men in my life that I’ve considered best friends. Two of them have committed suicide and one won’t talk to me because I led an intervention to try and get him to stop using drugs. There is no way to avoid disappointment because our expectations of those we love are greater than we expect from ourselves. That imbalance, left unchecked, will cause us to spin out of control.”
Merlin said, “I’ll buy you another drink for that bit of wisdom, and any others you’ve got like it.”
“It sounds like you’re making my point for me,” Jake said.
“No. The difference is that I believe that disappointment, and the lessons we learn from it, will eventually garner enlightenment.” He looked at the two old gentlemen at the back of the bar, then at the woman. Through the smoke he could see a sly smile as it grew on her face.
While everyone was busy applying Richard’s logic to their own circumstances, loud coughing echoed just outside the front entrance. The bar’s collective attention was drawn to the sound. When the door opened a slender young lady walked inside. She had brown hair that hung just past her shoulders and carried a Louis Vitton bag in her right hand, holding it by the straps down by her leg. She stopped and looked around. Noticing that the door was still open, Richard sat up straight and then stood on the rungs of his stool in order to see who was holding it open. A man’s foot held it by the lower left corner. When he finally appeared in the doorway he took one last drag from a cigarette, re-moved it by placing it between his thumb and middle finger and then flipped it onto the sidewalk.
The man entered the bar as he placed his left hand on the small of his date’s back and escorted her inside. He cleared his throat constantly as they made their way to the bar, taking two seats to the left of Richard. He noticed the pinky on the man’s right hand appeared to have been broken and not set properly. It curved away from his other fingers.
“Gimme a gin and tonic and a house chardonnay for the lady,” the man bellowed, obnoxiously.
Richard tried to ignore him. He thought about how to move away without being too obvious. Maybe it was time to talk to the woman at the end of the bar. Suddenly, the man turned to him and slapped him on the back. “How’s it been going, man?” he asked.
Stunned, Richard looked at the man, searching for something familiar about him. There was nothing. He looked into his eyes: still nothing.
“Don’t tell me you don’t remember me.” He saw the uncertainty in Richard’s face.
He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m sorry. You have me at a loss.”
“I’m Carl Rodgers. I fired your ass about fifteen years ago,” he said, proudly.
Richard remembered being fired by Carl, but this man somehow just didn’t seem to be the same guy. “Yeah, I remember you,” he said, hesitantly.
“I just thought I’d come see how you were doing,” Carl said.
“You came to see me?”
“I thought I’d pay you a visit, yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I know that you have something you need to say to me.”
The memories of working for Carl bubbled into Richard’s consciousness. “Now that you mention it, yeah I’d like to get several things off my chest. First, you didn’t fire me. You didn’t have the guts. You had to hide behind that Napoleon wannabe to do your dirty work. Next, you were the worst boss I’ve ever had. You spent all your time using the firm as your personal dating service when you should have been acting as a mentor to your staff; me included.”
Merlin placed the drinks that Carl ordered in front of him and his date. He drank, as did his lady friend; then threw his hands in the air. “Hey man, it wasn’t all bad. Remember that time in Key West when we were at Rum Runner’s?” He turned to talk to his date, including her in the story. “I had gone to the bath-room and this guy,” pointing to Richard, “was at the bar waiting for me. Well some chap walked up to my seat, and I mean this guy was huge.” When he took another sip of his drink, he took with it a couple pieces of ice. He annoyingly crushed it between his teeth as he continued his story. “The fat guy pushes my bar stool away from him and Richard here thinks he’s trying to move it out of his way, so he reached over and pulled it farther away from the guy.” Carl shook his head as he tried to contain his laughter. “The fat guy thought the stool was right behind him so he went to sit down and began to fall. Richard saw the guy falling and tried to catch him. I come back from the bathroom and see little ole Rich-ard trying to hold up this three hundred fifty pound fat-ass with a red face and a cigar hanging from his mouth.” Carl turned back to Richard. “You’ve got to admit that has to be the funniest thing that has ever happened to you. I know it was for me.”
Richard smiled. “Yes it was. But it is also indicative of just what was wrong with how you carried on our relationship. You weren’t looking for a senior staff member; you were looking for a party-pal. And I obliged.” He paused. His epiphany became clear. “I guess I am just as much at fault as you.”
“Anything else?” Carl asked, still gnashing ice between his teeth.
“Yes,” Richard replied as he leaned onto the bar to look around his old boss. Looking into the eyes of his date that he recognized was Julie. “Hey, Julie.”
“Hello, Richard,” she said with a polite smile that was also sweet and somewhat innocent.
“Everyone always liked you. I had a lot of respect for your abilities and the kind of person you were; or seemed to be. But, I do need to let you know that you aren’t fooling anyone at the firm. Everyone knew the two of you were sleeping together.”
“They did?” She was astonished and embarrassed as she folded her left hand under her right to cover her wedding ring.
“And, everyone always wanted to know when you two make love does he cough in your face like he does everyone else's?”
Julie dropped her head. “Yes.” Everyone in the bar laughed, except the couple.
“I thought so,” Richard said laughing. “Oh yeah! One more thing. There was this time that I set up your boyfriend on a blind date. I happen to mention that fact to another staff member. Well, he takes me into his office and reams me a new asshole for talking to people in the office about his personal life.” Richard grinned widely. “Not until tonight did I realize that he didn’t want you to know about it. That’s why he was so pissed.”
Julie turned to Carl and stomped her foot on the floor. “Is that true?”
When he couldn’t answer, she turned and walked away briskly.
“Thanks, asshole,” Carl said.
“Anytime, buddy.”
Without another word Carl turned and followed Julie. Approaching the front door he placed his left hand in his shirt pocket, removed his cigarettes, shook them and pulled one from the pack with his lips. He had it lit before he stepped outside.
Richard turned to Merlin. “I think I deserve an-other drink.”
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?”
“The night is still young.” Richard pointed at the empty glass in front of him.
“Richard, this’ll be your sixth, and I’ve been mixing them strong.”
“That’s alright. I’m not driving home tonight. I have a cot in the back of the store. All I have to do is stumble across the street.” Richard looked at Jake and smiled, wryly. “I’m good for three or four more, my friend.” His attention then turned to the woman at the end of the bar. Once again they made eye contact through the ever-present cloud of smoke. He spoke in a loud voice across the bar to her. “You’re gonna end up with a smoker’s cough as bad as the guy who just left here.”
She didn’t respond. Sarcastically, she exhaled smoke and smiled at him. It was time to respond to the overtures she had made all night. He finally had enough alcohol in him to act on his impulse. When he stood, he found his legs were weak and he struggled to lift him-self by pressing against the edge of the bar. Feeling self-conscious, he motioned to Merlin that he’d be taking his drinks at the end of the bar. The bartender acknowledged with a nod.
Richard made his way around to her and the woman pivoted on her stool to face him. She exuded sexual energy. He could not help but drink in every inch of her body with his eyes. It had been too long since he had felt his wife's supple flesh. He extended his hand and said, “My name is Richard.”
She nodded with short, quick bobs of her head. “I know,” she said as smoke seeped from her mouth.
“And you?”
She took another deep drag, exaggerating the inhale because she sensed that Richard liked watching her chest heave. She wasn’t wrong. “You know who I am,” she replied.
Merlin placed Richard’s drink on the bar in front of him. He laughed as he took it. “What is it about to-night?” Half of his drink was gone in one gulp.
“It’s obviously all about you tonight, sweetie.”
Richard gasped as he placed his drink on the bar. Merlin had made it even stronger than the others. “Can I have a hint?” He asked.
“You’ll figure it out eventually.”
He looked at her intently. There was nothing about her that he recognized, so he started with her tat-too. “The ribbon around your tattoo; I assume there are names of men underneath?”
“You got it, sailor.”
“Any names I know?”
“You know every one of them.”
In order to buy himself some time, Richard picked up his drink and finished it, then motioned to Merlin for another. He held his hand to his mouth and belched, holding in the foul air, then turned away from her to let it escape. “Do I have to get out the baby book of names and go through it one-by-one?” he replied, derisively.
She took another drag from her cigarette, and said nothing.
“Come on! You’ve gotta give me a hint … some-thing … anything.”
She still said nothing.
“Please.”
She grew tired and said, “Think about high school.”
“High school? That was twenty-one years ago.”
“Why didn’t you go to your reunion?”
“I did.”
“Your twentieth reunion?”
“No … I missed that one. I was talking about the ten year reunion.”
“Why?”
Merlin placed Richard’s drink on the bar in front of him. He picked it up, but this time he only took a sip. “Maybe I felt that I needed to give up on my past.”
“You were missed.”
“Really?”
“Not by anyone but me,” she replied, as she took another drag from her cigarette and quickly ex-haled. “Don’t you want to know why?”
Frustrated, he replied, “Lady, I don’t even know your name.”
She smiled. “It’s Sara.”
It came to him! “Sara Johnson?” She was the only Sara she had ever known.
“Yes.”
Richard didn’t know what to say, and the words he chose were not the best. “You look so different. You don’t have that sweet, clean, fresh face that I remember.”
Jake shouted from across the bar. “Was that supposed to be a compliment?” Just before he took an-other sip of his beer he blurted out, “dumb-ass!”
Richard looked at Jake and then back at Sara. “He’s right. I’m sorry.”
“No apologies necessary. I know what I’ve be-come, and I have you to thank for it.”
“Me?”
“Don’t you remember how poorly you treated me while we were dating?”
Richard searched for some recollection, but the only thing distinctive about their relationship that he could remember was the amount of time they spent parked in the woods. “I remember discovering what the naked female body looked and felt like, at least yours.”
“There you go again.”
“What?” Richard said.
“You constantly separated me from everyone else on Earth with comments like the one you just made.”
Richard truly did not understand the gravity of what she was saying. “Can you help me out a little, please? I’m a bit drunk, and obviously a little slow on the up-take.”
“Don’t you remember when Charlotte Pitts got pregnant our junior year and was sent away to have her baby?”
“Yeah, thank God it wasn’t mine,” he said.
“That’s it! You made the same joke in high school. But to me what you said was, ‘I slept with Charlotte, but that baby’s not mine.’”
“I’m sorry,” Richard said, rather insincerely.
“That’s not all. Don’t you remember saying things like Charlotte has nicer tits, and ‘Charlotte likes it doggy-style.’ Or, ‘If Charlotte wasn’t damaged goods, I’d kick you to the curb and date her.’”
Richard did remember saying all those things and hearing them come from Sara’s mouth after all these years increased their significance. Richard uttered a slow, drunken, “Fuuucck!” He tried to speak soberly; sincerely. “Sara, I had no idea the things that I said to you would ever have that kind of affect on you. I’m truly sorry.”
“Well they did. I haven’t had any confidence in myself since. Life, for me, has been a series of failed relationships. Because of you I have always been attracted to men who treated me like shit.”
“I … I’m sorry,” he repeated. The gravity of perpetuating poor behavior became painfully apparent.
Sara did not respond to his apology. It was as if he never made it. She picked up her cigarettes, slid them into her bra, then grabbed her pocket book off the bar and walked out without a word.
Jake watched her disappear through the door. He turned to Richard. “I warned you about talking to her, didn’t I?”
Richard did not wait for more conversation from Jake or anyone else. He walked into the bathroom and up to an available urinal, and began peeing. The words of The Doors echoed through his mind. People are strange when you're a stranger. Faces look ugly when you're alone. Women seem wicked when you're unwanted. Streets are uneven when you're down. Long after he had finished, Richard found himself standing and listening to every word of the song. The lyrics that stung the worst were, No one remembers your name, when you’re strange. He understood that no one would ever confuse him for a saint, but how could his relation-ship with Susan be so ordinary? It was more special than any he had known. Regardless of Sara’s feelings, he felt as though he had learned from his mistakes. Being a pariah was a role he had come to accept and some-times relish, but not when it came to the one woman he loved more than life. He realized that his inability to recognize people from his past was because he was in-capable of understanding that his experiences had woven the fabric of his being.