Chapter Thirty-Seven
A void in esteem can only be filled by a sense of self. Susan was led to believe that those who knew best were her family. They molded her into the person that fit their vision without regard for her well-being. She was never able to gain satisfaction from a job well done without seeking someone else’s approval. The appreciation she did receive centered on her physical beauty, which left a hollow emptiness that she desperately tried to fill. When she was a teenager it was accomplished with drug use. During her young adult life she searched for the man who could make her feel fulfilled in who she was. Facing life as an aging beauty scared her. Since there were no secrets that remained between she and Richard there was nothing left to taint the relationship. Their devotion was circular, feeding on itself and taking on a life of its own. They had shaken away the external influences and the energy that swirled around them was palpable and bound them together.
Without a word, Susan stood and moved from the porch where she sat with her husband, across the living room and into their bedroom. She put on a pair of sandals. Lying next to her purse on the kitchen counter were her keys, which she picked up on the way out the door. There was an easiness in her aura, but something hovered over her, which required Emma’s counsel. She drove down the two-lane highway to her destination and thought about the woman she had allowed herself to become. It was not someone she was proud of, but it was all she knew. She reached out to Charles longing for a tangible re-creation of what she and Richard once had.
Susan sat in the Tahoe, stopped in front of the house and waited patiently for the oncoming traffic to clear; when it had she made the left turn into the drive-way. The truck came to a stop, Susan shifted the trans-mission into Park and turned off the engine. She in-haled so deeply that her ribs ached as her lungs expand-ed. Without any further hesitation, she got out of the vehicle, walked to the front door and rang the bell.
After a few seconds, she saw through the opaque, etched glass, a figure moving toward her. Susan took another deep breath. The door opened. In front of her stood Emma.
“Hey Sugar.” Her friend accentuated her southern accent for affect.
“Hello, Emma. Can I come in?” Susan’s tone was one without emotion, flat and businesslike. She needed strength to ask for one last favor.
“Sure, baby,” Emma replied as she stepped back away from the open door, allowing clear passage into the house.
She walked through the house and onto the back porch. There she saw Claire who sat in the same chair she had always seen her occupy. “Hello, Claire.”
“Well Hello, Susan. It’s so good to see you!” the old woman said.
Susan walked over to the sofa and sat down. Emma followed closely behind and sat down next to her.
“Honey,” Emma’s tone was filled with condescension, “you’ve got to tell me about that day on the beach.”
A chill ran down Susan’s spine. “What day on the beach?”
Emma shook her head slowly. “Girlfriend, everybody knows about it. That day you took that boy up to the house and had your way with him.”
Oh, my God, Susan thought. Everyone knows.
Emma did not wait for a response. “Chalk one up for women all over the world.” Her friend’s laughter reverberated through her body and into her soul.
The time she and Richard spent in bed allowed them both to absolve the responsibilities associated with their pasts. Suddenly, all of that effort seemed for naught. Charles was too freshly in her soul and about her body. She needed to be cleansed of that burden. That necessity metastasized quickly as a result of years of repeated behavior and she found herself craving the remedy that would repair her soul. She leaned toward her friend and whispered. “Can we talk privately?”
Emma announced loudly, “Let’s go back to my room.”
When the women were securely behind the closed door of Emma’s room, Susan made her request known, “Have you got any more cocaine?” as she pulled a wadded bundle of twenty dollar bills from her pocket, some of which fell onto the floor.
A smug expression grew on Emma’s face. She knew that she had wrested away control of Susan’s life, and this pleased her. Without saying a word she stood and walked to the shelf that contained the Magic Eight Ball. After removing it, she tossed it onto the bed next to Susan, who quickly picked it up and began to nervously dig at the plug on the bottom. When she was unable to remove it, she sheepishly handed the toy to her friend, who looked upon her with pity. Her false benevolence comforted them both.
After removing the drug, she tossed a baggy on-to Susan’s lap who took it and hastily pulled apart the seam. In no time she filled her soul with the confidence she lacked. It proved necessary for her to carry on with the future that she and Richard had laid out for them-selves. The greatest tragedy of her life was that she was dependent on those who feigned sincerity while seeking to exert influence onto her; avoiding the acknowledgment of their own bittersweet existence. People who fed on her soul and the fact that she so readily offered it had long ago sealed Susan’s fate.