Parents and family environment play the most important role in helping children to understand and manage emotions, develop resilience and foster positive relationships. The family is where it's all learned and where the healthy basis for life is built. Watching children grow and helping them to develop these skills is one of the great joys of parenthood but for many parents, it can be quite a challenging task!
It is especially tricky for parents like my self who didn't grow up in a healthy environment and have mental health issues themselves. It's kind of a double task: Resetting your self while you program your self. It's kind of like a broken C-3PO that keeps shutting down, resetting and having short circuits while trying to assemble a proper working droid himself. It can get tricky.
Another thing that adds to the importance of this theme is that as a somewhat challenged individual in that regard my kids are more likely to exhibit some mental health issues themselves: both because proness to mental health issues can be genetically conditioned and because I(, despite my best efforts, don't always model the best behaviour.
I decided to talk about nurturing because I feel it's the best term to describe what my goal is: I don't want to fix them, I don't want to teach them something new or turn them into someone they are not. I just want to nurture the health they were born with and try my best not to screw it up.
So this week I'll try and go through some stuff I have learned, I'm still learning and have yet to learn on my way. I know it's a tall order but I feel confident and hopefully inspired by my last week's success. Besides there is a lot for me personally to gain just by thinking through this theme, implementing it and learning more about it: both as a person and a parent.
Do you have any particular topic you are interested in? Tell me in the comments and I'll do my best to write about it. Thanks for joining in!
Actively listen before offering your advice
Listening is the most fundamental component of interpersonal communication skills. Hearing is something that just happens but listening is more of an active process in which a conscious decision is made to listen to and understand the messages of the speaker. It really requires a lot from the one doing the listening: remaining neutral and non-judgmental patient, the presence of mind, engagement with the fellow talker. Listeners should not be tempted to jump in with questions or comments every time there are a few seconds of silence, which can be quite a challenge if you are dealing with a tiny, easily distracted, overly excited human. We should be giving the child the time to explore their thoughts and feelings which may take them a bit longer than adults.
In the hectics that our modern, western, capitalist everyday lives have become we may found our self just nodding the kid off with a distracted ‘’yeah, yeah…mhm’’ or say something in the lines of ‘’I have this or that to do’’ ‘’ I’m on the phone’’ ore alike. I’m first to admit I do that more often then I’d like. There are some ways, both non-verbal and verbal, that we can let the child know we are listening.
NON-VERBAL
Smile - Kids love it when we smile at them. It tells them we are happy to interact with them and it encourages them to continue if they are insecure about the conversation or can’t find the words, which is often the case with smaller children.
Eye Contact – Insisting on eye contact can be a win-win for parents. If you consciously seek eye contact with the child, not only is it telling your kid you are involved but it makes you listen more carefully and be present wich few of us actually are these days when interacting with children. Also, try and get ‘’down’’ on their eye level. Squat or kneel so that you can be even and the kid is not physically looked down on.
Posture- Stop your self physically and pause while the child is talking, and just drop what you are doing for a second. It makes it more clear to them that you are actually listening if you are not simultaneously cooking, writing or playing on your phone.
Mirroring – Not to be confused with mimicking which can be perceived by the child as mocking them. Try mirroring the child's story instead. Show some sadness or compassion with your facial expression if the child is telling you something that made them sad or widens your eyes in excitement if the child is telling you an exciting story.
Avoid distraction – I know most of adulting is always getting somewhere else but try not seeming like you are one step out of the door. Avoid glancing at your phone, looking at your watch and similarly tells that the child can see as you want to get out of the conversation.
VERBAL
Positive Reinforcement - Even though it's a strong signal of attentiveness, caution should be used when using positive verbal reinforcement. You can use ''yes'' and ''good'' but no too often as the unnecessary emphasis can irritate and interrupt the one who is doing the talking part.
Remembering – The way your child's face lits up when you say remember the conversations and details that they deem important, it’s priceless.
Questioning – don’t just listen to check it off your ‘’how to be a better parent to do list’’ but listen to engage and communicate. Ask questions! Besides telling the child you are paying attention and showing interest in them it also keeps us on the track of the conversation so we don’t wander off.
Reflection – Repeating or paraphrasing what the child said can be a great way to validate what they are saying.
Clarification – if you don’t understand something – ask. Sometimes we tend to underestimate children and not treat them as we would an adult conversation counterpart but by taking the conversations with the child seriously and treating it as such makes them learn valuable communication skills which can later help them advocate for themselves and others in their interactions with folks they might see as authority such as teachers or doctors or trainers.
Summarisation- it’s a simple as ‘’So what you are saying is’’…and then repeating a few main points from the conversation. Being understood will make the child very content and encouraged to engage in further communication and gain their trust which can seem trivial when discussing cartoons or Minecraft or kindergarten but it will become vital once they turn the teenage years and the convo goes to ‘’sex, drugs and rock’n’roll’’
Be patient
“The high demands of busy schedules, the pressure to ‘do it all’ and achieve can lead us to become so caught up in daily tasks that the richness of raising children becomes reduced to managing family life, instead of simply being with our children,” said Deniz Ahmadinia, PsyD, a psychologist who specializes in mindful parenting, stress and trauma at the West Los Angeles VA. As they would say in my country, even the sparrows on the branch know that the best way to teach the desired behaviour is by modelling it but I personally and many of us are not exactly the poster faces for patience, so what then? For some of us, learning to be patient requires more. Children are no different and are not the most patient of humankind by default. All children have different temperaments, and some children are naturally more patient than others.
If we are conscious enough to know we are not the best role model here is a place we can start: Avoid Nagging, rushing, and sarcasm. Please avoid these. These three things that will contribute to impatience besides being totally disrespectful towards the child. As for where you can start here are some starting points:
TEACHING PATIENCE TO CHILDREN
Model patience - Being patient doesn’t mean just being able to wait but being able to wait calmly: eye rolling, sighs, and whining excluded Which is often impossible when dealing with kids and literally running from one event or task or activity to another. But as most of us know if we crack then all hell brakes loose and we have a bigger tantrum on our hands. So what can you do to get (yourself) through it? You can try using humour and games to keep kids moving along, laugh when something doesn’t go according to plan, and problem-solve out loud when something becomes stressful. As the author of the article I read on the topic said: ‘’When I start verbalizing my potential problem-solving strategies, the kids start chiming in with me. Just the other day I walked in on Liam talking his way through a puzzle. It works.’’
Use reflective listening - Now that we’ve learned how to actively listen we can apply that in stressful situations that require patience from the child. Like, say waiting in line. Walking the child through their impatience can give them a tool for self-regulation in a similar future situation.
Timers - How many times have you caught yourself responding to a request with “in a minute”? The article I listed above suggest using a timer but I personally don’t have one so what can you do instead? Try measuring time in a way that’s comprehensible to the child. Toddlers and smaller children don’t really know what a minute or a second mean so you can try and say ‘’sure, I’ll be over as soon as I finish the dishes’’. Learning delayed gratification is of utter importance for children, so practice as often as you can.
Teach coping skills - Sometimes you just have to wait to try and make it as easy as possible. Bring a book or puzzles or research some verbal games you can play like I spy. Make sure the child is comfortable: hunger, thirst or heat can all make the child agitated and impatient.
Activities that require patience - I’ll quote this one because I find it perfect: ‘’ One of the downsides of battery-operated lifestyles and a heavy focus on technology is that kids are over-exposed to instant gratification.’’ How can we as adults help? Firstly, we should make time to just be with them and do things with them. Choose projects and activities that require time and patience, such as planting, mosaics baking or pottery or modelling with playdough. Planting projects are great because they learn to care for their seeds every day. They have to show great patience and diligence to help those seeds grow! We can read an exciting chapter book so they look forward to it each day and not go from start-plot-finish in 80 minutes or less.
BECOMING A MORE PATENT PARENT
Respect your limits - I personally often make bad parenting choices if I’m my battery is low – if I’m tired, hungry or if I let other folks stomp on my limits (that are not my kids). I know self-care is a hard thing to squish into our schedule but it is vital to fill our cup first so we can give the best to our kids. Taking a short walk, having your coffee or tea, focusing on your breath for a few minutes or stealing an hour for exercise can be a life saviour.
Prioritize sleep – When you have a newborn getting some sleep can seem to harden than hitting a jackpot but even though we sometimes can't avoid being tired we should make an effort to prioritise sleep when we can. We often time scroll through social media or binge watch a series when your child is asleep at night and wake up exhausted as a result. And it is so hard to be patient and collected when you are tired. We can also stay up late doing chores so we could have more quality time with our kids but it can also be quality time to do laundry or cooking together with the child and sleeping when the child sleeps.
Do one thing at a time – Due to our tendency to jam up as many chores in as a short amount of time possible mistaking it for efficiency child requesting something that seems unreasonable or unimportant to us can make us snap so try and do a thing at a time. It can also help to keep the background noise in check.
Shift from “doing mode” to “being mode” - Doing mode is living inside our minds. We’re present in body but in our mind, we are always thinking about the next thing to do or the next place to get to. We as adults would feel hurt if our partner kept being absent in mind when doing stuff with us and we do tend to notice it. But the difference is we can verbalise it, unlike our children. So the burden is on us_: we should be the ones noticing what we are doing and try to shift it. Be more present and think about what you are doing now, how you are doing it and the feedback you are getting from the kids. You may notice that living with and them and ''in the moment'' is much more enjoyable then merely managing their existence.
Support yourself – It may seem that pushing your boundaries and playing the Wonderwoman (or Superman) can be a great role model, especially in Catholic countries like mine, self-sacrifices is seen as a requirement of motherhood but we all would like our kids to be kind and respect towards themselves so why aren’t we? So don’t shy from asking for help or lose your schedule. Say no when feel your boundaries are pushed. There is more value for the child in you not giving into their desire and respecting your boundaries in the long run than to get that instant gratification.
Repair – you will yell. And snap. And crack under pressure. Because you are human and your child is human. But that is not the end of the world. We all make mistakes and if we treat ours as the end of the world what kind of message are we sending? When we fall down it essential we model picking yourself up and moving forward.
Share our feelings and validate theirs
The concept of validation comes from Marsha Linehan, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and creator of dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). In her 1993 book Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, Linehan notes the essence of validation:
‘’The therapist communicates to the client that her responses make sense and are understandable within her current life context or situation. The therapist actively accepts the client and communicates this acceptance to the client. The therapist takes the client’s responses seriously and does not discount or trivialize them.’’
The concept of validating a person, especially a one ‘’in the making’’ is so undervalued but at the same time incredibly important part of the relationship, many parents tend to overlook. We focus on a good-bad dichotomy when it comes to feelings. We were often ourself taught that crying is bad, anger is bad and happiness is good and a think we should aspire to. I mean, it’s the whole basis of the ever-growing self-help market. But what if we acknowledge that all feelings are equally valid and should be accepted? We can not avoid being angry, sad, frustrated or disgusted. Nor should we. The diversity of feelings is what makes life rich, what helps us make the right choIces and what makes the best relationships. Not everything should make us happy. Some things should anger us. Like injustice, war or the price of butter (I mean, 10euros/kg?!). Some things should sadden us. Happiness is so overrated and monochromatic. The colour of the world is in all different shades and shapes of feelings. So we should validate them. And not just the feelings but the child themselves.
"Validating" means giving your child or teen that all important, and seemingly elusive, message that "Your feelings make sense. I not only am giving you permission to feel what you feel but I am also welcoming and accepting your feelings in a non-judgmental way. When they feel validated as human beings they are more likely to correct their behaviour and listen to you then they are if they are feeling judged. It is also essential that we are honest when validating them which means giving credit to both bad and the ugly as much as we would to the good. Validation is not the same as giving in though. We can acknowledge child's feelings of frustration and anger or sadness without moving the line on what we deem important: ‘’I see you are angry because I won't give you dessert before dinner and that’s ok. You can have it after you eat your meal’’. And don’t budge. Validation plus boundaries can give positive results fast when it comes to bettering child's behaviour.
SOME WAYS YOU CAN START:
Communicating your intent to listen without judging or blaming and calling yourself out if you stray from this empathetic stance.
Being sensitive to, and acknowledging how difficult and even embarrassing it is to be “different” when he/she wants to be like everyone else.
Acknowledging the problems in his/her life and that they matter. Many children and teens I counsel repeatedly share that their parents minimize or dismiss their struggles.
Reflecting on how upsetting it feels to them when the walls seem to be closing in and how overwhelming it is when his/her emotions seem to spin out of control.
Understanding how deep shame (often non-detectable to frustrated parents) can keep influencing the child to behave in ways that he/she may regret later.
