Teach them how to be safe

Even though we can’t, nor should, bubblewrap our kids and put them under a glass bell we can teach them some basic safety rules and principles that will help them navigate the unpleasant or even dangerous situations. It may seem like a very consuming task considering all the potential danger around us.

ON-LINE

Cyber communication and social networks are not a thing we can talk about avoiding any more but rather how to responsibly use it. Instead of prohibiting our kids to access the internet we should search for age-appropriate content and give them some form of freedom of choice. Present them with bad examples and explain why they are bad. There is no way to be safe on youtube without adult supervision and the kind of content that is tagged as kids are appaling and extremely dangerous. Buying smart apps and presenting them with smart content can share their watching habits.

The other important thing is personal safety on-line regarding personal information. Talking to your kids about what information they should never share: like their school, their address and phone number can help keep them safe online. Also, teach them that online is just like real life. If they would not just hit it off with a stranger on the street they shouldn’t do the same online. We should talk to them about what they do, who they hang out with online as well as letting them show us their favourite cyberspaces.

Consent, boundaries and the magic of no

Consent is such an important part of guarding one's mental health. If a person, big or small, knows his or hers, physical and mental boundaries they can more easily learn to recognise when they are breached and permit themselves to walk out of situations that make them uncomfortable or just feel wrong. The most effective way to teach a small child about consent is to ask for it. There was a bit of an online controversy a few months ago when an expert said we should ask a child permission to change its diaper. She got tons of backlash but I can see her point: It was not to literally ask a child to give permission for a diaper change but to introduce the idea of consent. The backlash highlights another thing though: It can sometimes be hard to balance the must do like teeth brushing, diaper changes or medicine administration and other necessary health and hygiene procedures that kids often don’t like. It can be frustrating for the parents and the more children feel their boundaries are being breached the less cooperative they become. I personally have not yet struck the perfect balance but I am trying to get it right.

The concept of teaching consent to babies may come off as odd to folks that solely link it to sex, but it’s much more than that: it’s about boundaries. We teach them about boundaries both with setting up clear, reasonable and firm boundaries as well as respecting theirs. The waters of molestation and assault are muddy and if we link consent just to explicitly sexual interaction we might be setting our child up to fail. If we don’t respect the boundaries they put up around physical comfort and affection among “safe” people, how will we know they can do so around “unsafe” people (whoever they might be) or people they feel threatened or overpowered by?

The best way to address consent and learn it from an early age is by modelling it. Ask for permission to touch your kid. Like for instance, I am now going to brush your hair, is that ok? Do you want a kiss? Do you want a hug? And so on. Physical games like tickling and wrestling are also great for teaching body related boundaries. Even if the kid yells stop and we can tell he or her wants to play still, we should stop and proceed with the game when the child asks us to. Respecting the child's sense of cold or hot, feelings of thirst, hunger and fullness, choices of cloth8ing or hairstyles can also be great moments for the child to keep trusting himself. You see, kids don’t mistrust themselves when they are small. They self-regulate quite successfully. They trust their gut feeling to be it about physical sensations or just about who they like or don’t like. It’s when our own senses of their reality get in the way that they start to doubt themselves. The ‘’ one more spoon’’, or ‘’you can't possibly be cold’’ or ‘’you can only wear what I pick out for you’’, shaming them when they are shy or weary, and similar talk is what can cause them to start and second guess their choices, be it out of fear of punishment or eagerness to please us. That reasoning can get them into trouble if the person wishing to do them harm is someone they love, maybe a romantic interest, or someone in a place of authority like a coach, teacher or relative. It is, therefore, very important that the child learns to trust themselves and their gut feeling first.

It’s also very important for them to be able to say no to us. And for that no to be respected. To be heard. To be valued in the household. When we see a sibling or a friend insisting on ignoring the no we should step in. It can be a teachable moment for both of the parties to learn both that we are obligated to respect other persons no as a definitive answer and that it’s our right to set boundaries, to say no and expect the no to be respected. Also if we notice some child perpetually disrespecting their boundaries we can tell them it’s ok to not be their friend any more and we do not owe company to ones that keep violating our boundaries.

No can become a word more magical than ‘’please’’ and ‘’thank you’’ because learning to respect it can save them from many unpleasantries both done to them and by them.

Talk about sex

As your children get older, you can get more specific about both sexuality and consent in a sexual context. As they grow older you can teach them that consent means asking for and waiting to hear a "yes". It does not mean continuing to touch someone until they hear the word "no." Nearly telling them that sexual assault is wrong is just not enough. More often than not the combination of excitement and lack of self-control that teens are famous for can leave them wounded because those potentially dangerous situations are often very hard to recognise. That’s where teaching them how to ask for and give consent is helpful.

For kids in high school, you can use the media, music, movies and tv shows to start conversations and look for all sorts of examples of what sexuality and consent are and can be. In this digital age, their curiosity can lead them to search for answers online rather than with you. If you open and continue to normalise the conversation of consent and sexuality they will be more inclined to come to you first. And just like with talking about sexuality itself, the discussion about consent should age-appropriate.

One of the biggest misconceptions regarding child abuse, molestation and kidnappings are that it’s done by strangers in a white van. The truth is most of the cases of child molestation are done by someone the child knows. It is vital that children need to have clear safety rules both for strangers when they are out on their own and for setting boundaries with people they know, even in familiar surroundings such as school or even home.

Anyone can be a child molester: a neighbour, a relative, a family friend, a youth group leader, a priest, a teacher, even another child. The best way to protect your children’s personal safety is to know what is happening to them. Take the time to talk to your kids or engage in activities that interest them so that you can open more opportunities for conversation and they could tell you how they feel or if they are wondering about something.

It is useful, and was life-saving in many situations, to teach a child anatomically correct names for genitals which removes the implication that certain parts are shameful or can’t be talked about. It is also vital to teach them that their genitals, just like the rest of their body, are theirs and theirs alone to touch. They can be sometimes assisted by a safe adult while bathing or whipping but it should be discussed with them who that safe adult is and when touching by another person, big or small, is appropriate. Another thing that is useful being taught early on is that it’s ok to be curious but they should also be careful around other kids genitals. It is normal for small children to show off and be interested in genitals but telling kids to respect other kids bodies and to not allow other kids to touch them either.

Stranger danger and tricky people

Pattie Fitzgerald, an expert on child safety says, “Instead of looking for the boogie man, a child should look for the person asking them to do something that doesn’t sound right or ask if the adult is trying to get them to break one of their family’s safety rules or trick them.”

We can be setting our kids up for failure if we just talk about danger. It can result in their raised awareness and actually raise their level of anxiety. The reality is that most people are good. This means most strangers are good. Even though it is essential that our kid be wary of folks they don’t know it can be much use for them to teach them about ‘’tricky people’’

Here are some useful safety tips I found:

-The rules are different when I am with an adult who is taking care of me and when I am on my own. When I am on my own, my job is to check first with the adult in charge before I let a stranger get close to me, talk to me, or give me anything.

-If I am old enough to be out on my own without an adult to ask, it is safer to be where there are other people close by to get help if I need it.

-I do not give personal information to a stranger or to someone who makes me feel uncomfortable.

-It is OK to get help from strangers if an emergency is happening to me, and there is no one close by that I know.

-My job is to check first with the adult in charge before I go anywhere with anyone (a stranger or someone I know). I will tell the adult in charge where I am going, who will be with me, and what I will be doing.

-I will have a safety plan for how to get help anywhere I go. (For example: Talk to the cashier at the store or the waiter. Or start yelling to get the crowds attention)

-I will know what my family’s safety rules are for children answering the door, being on the phone, and being on the internet. (Each family can discuss and implement rules as they see fit for them)

Rules With People Kids Know

-I belong to myself–my body, my time, my spirit–ALL of me. Touch for play, teasing, or affection has to be both people’s choice and it has to be safe.

-Except for health, no one should touch me in my private areas (the parts of the body covered by a bathing suit).

-No one should ask me to touch them in their private areas.

-Touch or other behaviours for health or safety is not always a choice, but also should never, EVER, have to be a secret.

-I do not have to let what other people say control how I feel.

-Anything that bothers me should not have to be a secret.

-If I have a problem, I need to tell an adult I trust and keep on telling until I get help.

-It is never too late to get help.

ALLOW KIDS TO HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS.

If we want to teach them it’s ok to say no are we as inclined to take their no for an answer? Or do we ask for obedience from our children? If we want to truly teach them the power of no we must teach our children it’s okay to have their own opinions, concerns, and questions. To be their own people and their own advocates. In this day and age of rushing around and just constantly needing to place and check things of off our endless checklists, it is actually helpful for us to have compliant children. Sometimes plans change and stuff need to be done quickly and their thousand whys or not wanting to participate or defence can be frustrating. But it can be useful to have a change of perspective as a parent, to try and see every question as an opportunity to teach and learn and communicate. Learning internal regulation and wise decision-making trumps blind obedience in the end. How can we expect them to learn how to make their own good choices when faced with pressure if we don’t allow them to explore having different opinions Or if we want them to hold their ground with someone they perceive in authority that puts them in a compromising or unsafe situation, then we should accept and even welcome them challenging our authority in such a safe environment as a home.

DON’T HAVE SECRETS.

While researching for this post I found an interesting concept of no secrets just surprises that I feel I will implement in our own family life:

‘’We have a guideline in our family that there are no secrets, only surprises. As daddy’s birthday is approaching, we might keep his present a surprise, but it’s never a secret. While our children are still children, we want them to know and trust that everything is fair game to be shared in our family, especially if it’s a ‘secret’ thing that makes them feel uncomfortable. Rather than calling everything a secret, we differentiate between privacy, surprises, and secrets. If mom and dad need to talk about something that’s not appropriate for the kids to be included in, it’s not us sharing secrets, it’s us talking privately. Banning the word ‘secret’ from your vocabulary is hard at first, but you get used to it fairly quickly and we think it’s important for these early years. As the kids get older, we will begin to introduce the concept of “speaking in confidence” and how and when that’s also appropriate.’’

GENERAL SAFETY RULES

Road safety starts way before walks to the school bus. Teaching your kids the rule of the road, looking both ways. Teach them about the dangers of running alongside the road or how to appropriately walk the street. How to navigate through parking lots and roads without anyways. Teach them that it is important to be careful not just because of their own safety but because of other participants in traffic as well as because not all drivers are careful and mindful of children.

Another thing is the safety rules around the house. When teaching those it is important not just to make restrictions but to elaborate on them. What will happen to them if they disobey? They can find everything in the house and take interest in it and how it works and what can be done with it. They need to know and respect what items are dangerous like matches, knives, ovens and electrical outlets.

The graphic that inspired me to do this series of posts