My actual diagnosis is dissociative identity disorder (aka multiple personality disorder or multipersonality). Before that I had (in order of appearance) depression, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, schizotypal personality disorder… Yep, psychiatrists do not always make a right diagnosis initially.
Throughout last one and a half year I have been twice to nuthouse and talked to a bunch of specialists. I have been disappointed in psychiatrists and started a course of self-treatment. And let me tell you, I improved my mental health!
This post contains over 70 photographs made in September 5, 2016 in Ussuriysk, Russia.
I will start with satisfying the curiosity of my potential readers and tell what my condition is all about. I have 4 inner dialogues and each of them is about total nonsense. Derelaizations and depersonalizations happen occasionally. Sometimes, I have paranoid ideas and crazy concepts. Seldom, I start hitting my head against the wall or start cutting myself. There are times when I feel such a weakness that I can’t make my way from my bedroom to kitchen. And most importantly, there are four of me.
To be exact, I’m inhabited with 4 subpersonalities. They switch and take over my body. One of the purposes of my post is the aspiration to show that we mentally deranged people are not as scary and horrible as mass media picture us. A day of our life is, in essence, no different from yours.
Basically, this is all you need to know to compresence the context and we can move on to images!
1. The alarm wakes me up in the morning. I would definitely sleep till 3 pm, if it didn’t happen. I need to get up – I have a lot of things to do. I’m still sleepy and finding a clock that I could take a photo of to show you the time is nearly impossible. Thus I just made a screenshot of my phone screen.
2. Please, meet Christine and Skinner. Christine is 24 and she is psychologist, she works here in the hospital. Skinner is 5 months old. He is a newfoundland puppy, lives here with me. Skinner loves coming in the morning to wake us up, sniffing and licking us. Simultaneously, he makes funny noises like “nuff-nuff-nuff-nuff”. This is why we call him “nuff-nuff” occasionally or “nuffich”. This photo is him waking up Christine and looking in the camera with his happy face.
3. Going to kitchen…
4. …Not to drink coffee. Coffee can wait. I have far more important things to do – I need to take my psycho-drugs before symptoms start. I noticed long ago that when I do it in the morning, there is less of a chance that my illness will show itself during the day.
I must tell those who are not familiar with being a psycho that this small medical kit in the photo is much richer than I had in the asylum where I was. From all this versatility I need only three drugs: Bupropion for physical and mental strength, Milnacipran to keep me motivated to do something and fighting off sleepiness (basically, enhancing Bupropion effect), and Amisulpride to reduce the amount of inner dialogues to one and keep my thought process together.
5. Took medication, drank coffee, and off to check my mail. Here I must say that due to illness I can no longer work in the domain where I have a relevant diploma and more than 10 years of experience. Sadly, this is the state of affairs.
This is why I have to make living by taking various jobs in various domains. The morning gives me a new job (I intentionally removed contact information and the job description so that no one would call me out on self-advertising).
6. The mail is checked, social networks are checked, I can go to the balcony and smoke. The balcony is in another room. Yes, it is a bicycle. No, it’s not electrical. No, it is not hard to pedal. There were times when I was winning tournaments riding this bicycle, but it happened before illness.
A strange composition made of tinder behind the bicycle is a small fence around cat’s litter box (Skinner loves throwing around its contents and we had to build this thing).
Cardboard on the floor is a result of an interaction between my cat and Skinner. The cat dropped a cardboard box (she loved sleeping in it) on Skinner and he nearly tore it apart (not cat, the box).
7. It is time to walk Nuff-Nuff. Today, it’s raining. I feel lazy, but I need to go. Newfoundlands grow inconsistently. Often, their feet lagging behind their bodies in growth. This is why newfoundland puppies need to walk every day not less than 7 kilometers.
Anyways, off we go. We start from going to marshes near our house. I rarely see anyone there and in high bushes the puppy can do his “things” without annoying anyone. After that, we make our way through the town (to be exact, towards the outskirts) in order to get enough travel length.
Today, we met an ugly old lady who attacked us by yelling that my dog leaves her “presents” near her house (my dog never satisfies its natural needs near households, I make sure of it). The old hag literally attacked us!
Sometimes, I don’t understand how come that they are the crazy ones and it’s me who has a diagnosis.
8. We are past city blocks now and heading towards the dam. A small river flows here and usually you can barely notice it, but it has a weird tendency to overflow and cause massive town-wide floods. The dam was built to prevent it, but sometimes it doesn’t help. Last year, for example, water went over the dam and flooded the surroundings.
Some say that there is typhoon here right now (I don’t really follow the news), but the river is fairly small.
9. We got home. Skinner fell down due to fatigue. This means our tour was successful.
10. After walking, I need to wash his feet so he wouldn’t leave dirty tracks all around. I take Nuffich, drag him in the bath, and start pouring water on his feet till all the dirt is gone.
11. Skinner ran out of food. The thing is you can’t just buy pebbles in the pet store. One has to order it in the local dog club and wait till it arrives. We didn’t estimate right this time and the old pack of food depleted before the new one arrived. Today, Skinner eats natural organic food.
In our book about “newfs” we read that when feeding them naturally we need to add fruits and vegetables, thus Christine cuts a squash and apples.
12. A happy doggy is having a meal.
13. I also feel hungry after a long promenade. I usually eat sitting in front of my PC despite knowing that it’s not classy or healthy. On the other hand, you can definitely multitask. For example, I participate in a hot discussion about psychology on a popular internet forum.
14. As I mentioned before, I am no longer capable of working in my field of experience and knowledge. Instead, I make money “occasionally” or simply don’t do anything. Obviously, this cannot continue eternally and I try to make a resume. I hope, there is a place for me somewhere. It took a lot of time to update or create resumes on all available “hunter” sites.
15. I need to get ready. Today, I need to visit the nuthouse. Actually, I chose self-treatment, but some medications I can get only at hospitals. For example, Alprazolam and Medazepam. These help me function and avoid hiding behind my blanket fearing everything. Our beloved <insert a swear word> government moved it to the list III (a special list of officially supervised medications) and it is quite hard to get them nowadays.
Doctors usually give receipts without enthusiasm. Medications are supervised and drug stores do not sell them without receipts. And even if you have a receipt, they will not sell you more than the receipt says.
In real life it means that one has to either take medication frugally (which means taking less than you should when you have a disorder like mine) or invent various sneaky ways of obtaining the drug. I, for one, have multiple patient cards in different cities. The chance of getting medication is much higher this way.
16. Christine decided to make a company. We both know that we will have an unpleasant conversation. We start procrastinating and calming our nerves through smoking. I know that smoking doesn’t really calm you, but that’s what everyone says.
17. Here it is. My beloved nuthouse!
18. Admittedly, the asylum in Ussuriysk is not that bad. The doctors here are polite, no one propagandizes church and its saving capabilities, and there is even a special depression and agitation board on the paper stand.
19. Waiting in a queue. There is no running away from queueing.
20. What to do while waiting for a doctor? That’s right, read books about psychotherapy. For those interested this is Fritz Perls – “The Gestalt Approach and Eye Witness to Therapy”.
21. I need to go here. To be honest, the whole endeavor today was pointless. I didn’t get new tranquilizer receipts and I didn’t need anything else.
22. Me and Christine on our way home in a taxi. A quick selfie.
23. Nuffich is happy to see us and starts licking my neck!
24. 1.30 pm…
25. …If I want to avoid passing out due to fatigue and sleepiness, I need to take another pill of Bupropion. That is exactly what I’m doing right now.
26. It is time to work. I need to write to my employer, answer a couple of tricky questions (I like her for making me read and think a lot in order to come up with a reasonable answer). Simultaneously, I could boost my profile page on a popular social network related to hunting for work and exchanging business contacts.
27. Christine and Nuff-Nuff are sleeping. I envy them and do not envy them simultaneously. I envy because the sleep. I don’t envy because I know why they are sleeping in the middle of a day.
Nuffich is tired after a long morning walk. Christine is sick. Her depression is exacerbating. Not that “I-have-a-bad-mood-and-need-a-chocolate-bar” kind of depression. It’s an illness. An illness that makes one a disabled person.
This is a sad irony. One of the best specialists in the field of mental therapy felt victim to one of illnesses she was studying. Drugs that she takes help, but she never reached the stage of remission. This is why sometimes she loses strength and the only thing she can do is sleep. Endogenic apathetic depression equals hell.
28. It’s time to walk my puppy again. While he is young, you need to walk him at least 4 times per day.
29. Our favorite walking paths are flooded. Despite swimming capabilities natural for newfoundlands (they were bred for fishing and helping taking nets out of water), Skinner doesn’t seem to be enthusiastic about diving in this dirty puddle.
30. Well, we can always walk around the town.
31. We returned back home and Skinner needs to eat. Meals are also at least 4 times per day.
32. Today, I need to visit local dog owners club to pick up dog food, but I still have some time to work.
33. Lots of things to do! I need to mod a small community related to psychiatry, finish my article, write to my employer, and up my resume.
34. After finishing everything, I move to another room. I want to fix my bicycle. Mysteriously, Christine managed to tear away rear brake caliper. I swear, I used to exploit this detail in such a manner that would raise goosebumps and nothing. She made a circle around the park and the mount bolt is gone…
I also need to pump up wheels. Basically, I get this bicycle ready for proper usage again.
35. I return to my laptop, check my e-mails, resume, new posts, and comments in the community.
36. I want to eat. Christine made some semolina while I was walking with Nuff-Nuff. I’m going to eat some.
37. Again a screenshot with time on it so you would know what time it is now.
38. I have about an hour to talk with my employer. I’m putting on my headset, turn on the music, and start writing.
39. Dog owner club is open now. I need to pick up Skinner’s food.
40. This is why I love Ussuriysk (slightly less than Vladivostok and Moscow). You won’t see a lot of advertising. Walkways are everywhere and no one leaves their cars on these walkways.
41. Local landmark – a fountain. In the evening, the classic music and lighting turn on.
42. Central square of my town. This is people’s favorite party place.
43. 1 more mile and I’m near the club.
44. The club is in the cellar of the building that was constructed in Soviet times as a part of a college.
45. You can’t really see it on the photo, but the door is very low and I have to bent in order to walk in.
46. The club is preparing for a show. The whole room is filled with goblets, banners, and other stuff. I’m definitely the odd one here. I quickly pay for my goods and hurry to retreat so that I would not annoy people who are busy with preparations.
47. The pack is very heavy (17 kilograms) and it’s a long way home. I’m not in the best physical form, so I decided to take a taxi. I brought the pack home. Both Christine and Nuff-Nuff are studying it now. Both are doing their research based on their understanding of effectiveness: Christine is reading, Nuffich is trying to taste it.
48. Newfoundlands are growing slowly. In particular, Skinner is 5 months old and we are walking him out 4 times per day. Yet sometimes, he needs a litter box. The litter box is a rubber car carpet (prevents pee from spilling on the floor) with a diaper on top. The diapers have to be washed and that is exactly what I’m doing now.
49. I felt hungry for coffee.
50. It is time for our next walk. This time, Christine decided to join us.
51. “Newfs” have a very interesting feat, they love to carry things in their mouth. An adult “newf” can easily carry a pack of groceries. Skinner is carrying only sticks for now.
52. The return. It is again time to feed Skinner. We open the pack with dogfood. It looks that Skinner is happy that he doesn’t have to eat natural food.
53. The client calls me on the phone and we talk for a long time.
Christine decided to ride the bicycle noticing that I have fixed it.
54. While she was hiking around the town, I talked with my client and ex-colleague. We talked about various stuff. It took about one hour or so.
55. I’m hungry. I feel too lazy to cook. In addition, there’s nothing to cook. I took a pack of dry noodles, covered it with a layer of spices, and ate it dry.
56. I return to the PC. I need to write a couple of posts for community, boost my profile in the business social network, and search for new jobs.
57. Christine, unlike me, doesn’t like eating dry noodles and offered to go to the supermarket. It is dark outside and my old trusty phone makes terrible photos. Those lights ahead are a part of supermarket’s façade (I intentionally made the photo from beneath the trees so that the brand would be cut out and people won’t think that I advertise it).
58. We bought some groceries, fruits and vegetables mostly. Money is a problem at the moment. Unfortunately, we meat and delicacies decided to stay in the supermarket.
59. It’s 9 pm. Moscow people are now awake.
60. Christine and Nuffich are sleeping. I turned off the light to not distract them.
61. I need a very specific whiteboard with unorthodox features for my work. Asking in communities and reading reviews did not help and I decided to try every single one meticulously testing each. The time is running.
62. The night brings anxiety and makes me more petulant. I realize that I have an urge to break apart my laptop because everything inside it is scary…
Also, soon I will have to go to sleep. This means that a scary moment when you fall asleep is ahead of me. The moment when thoughts come. They start pressuring and tearing you apart… You want to howl, to run away, but there’s no running away from oneself…
Fortunately, we are way past the stone age and know that there are antixiliotics to fight such conditions. One pill of Medazepam and everything starts to look brighter.
63. Oh, I remember! The diapers are done washing! I’m going to hang them to dry on the balcony.
64. 20 minutes before 12. I need to walk my puppy again.
65. In the darkness of night my phone can’t take photos at all. This is the best picture out of a whole set!
66. We returned home. Heading to the bath to wash feet. It’s a good time for a classic mirror selfie.
67. I fed my puppy. It is time to take a shower.
68. I check what’s new in the internet.
69. It’s time to close my laptop go to sleep.
70. Nuff-Nuff, for example, is sleeping like a baby.
Many will exhale: “But where is madness? Where is blood? Where is vandalism? Where are hallucinations, at least?” To this I can only answer that in reality “we” are not that different from “you”. Yes, mentally ill people have their exacerbations and dangerous conditions. However, these do not happen all the time, not to everyone, and can be fixed through taking appropriate medications. Without special knowledge, the vast majority of people will never recognize a mentally ill person in a crowd. This is a fact.
I hope that you were well entertained despite the total absence of sensational content in this post.
SBD gathered with this post will be transferred to Vitaliy’s personal bank account.