Raincoat and Umbrella - Prepare Yourself Lil Fella
I was beside myself, astonished at his unexpected appearance: totally overwhelmed yet tentatively fraternal. I choked back tears throughout our conversation and didn't know what to do. I never considered what I had discovered on public discord servers last year and how I intervened without hesitating to be of such monumental importance. I just did what my conscience had to do as it broke my heart to see literal children trying to protect themselves against what would turn out to be the most shocking, horrifying child sexual abuse material and online enticement operation I had ever seen.
So why did I find myself attempting to dismantle the efforts of several interconnected discord servers full of kids, teens and young adults? In retrospect I can ask that question but at the time I was holding back hysterical alarm at how a group of kids appeared to be having fun roleplaying as pedohunters. I had to get them out of harm's way in any way possible, i followed my natural instinct to protect vulnerable children because God teaches us that children are sacred and must be protected at all costs.
Perish the thought that a child is left with only an umbrella and raincoat to protect them from storm-clouds bearing toxic, torrential acid rain...
I had to get these kids out of the way of harm as I knew it was going to be traumatic to the point of ruining their psychosexual growth; from childhood, through adolescence and into an adulthood where the divinity and love of intimate relations would remain a struggle, or worse yet not exist at all.
It must be our imperative to fight for the next generation's chance at growing up with the prospect of having a better life than we did. In my case, it was also a personal mission as I was obsessively driven to ensure that a naive, curious teenager does not suffer the same ruination of their psycho-sexual development like I did all those decades ago.
One Amongst Many Periods Spent Barely Breathing...
I was contacted at a time when I had already resigned from saving the children. Years devoted to pouring superhuman amounts of mania-driven determination, time, effort, attention, heart and soul into online projects such as #OpChildSafety, #OpStopSuicide and 
The truth was laid bare to me then: I was still but a victimized child myself - with not enough strength, support or wealth.
I hung up my suit of armor adorned when I was pursuing pedophiles online and I abandoned seeking their harshest prosecution;
- abandoned the elaborate strategies devised against the online grooming of children,
- abandoned the gargantuan task of intimately understanding what was going on from every angle
- abandoned the exploiration of all the avenues available when seeking accountability from the social media platforms where such crimes occur ad infinitum.
- abandoned the Herculean task of not just seeking accountability but thinking that such an insurmountable task required destroying myself utterly in the process.
I could not spend another year burning myself to protect victims yet to be: these naive children online so much alike the children online decades ago using 56.6kpbs modems to surf the web or log onto the information superhighway. Truth be told, I was still being manipulated groomed and abused - only this time by my own determination to expend everything I had trying to get back everything now lost. Perhaps there was a subconscious belief that eventual self-immolation was the only way I could finally punish the pedophile who abused me. Could it be that self-immolation was my only hope to be reborn as a Phoenix, risen from the ashes of a past life's pain so I could feel what it was like to fly for the first time in my life?
Such delusional thinking did not serve me well - I was possessed with zealotry for a cause that no matter how many times I was burnt into ash would not let me be reborn. The vulnerable boy was living within me, imprisoned still.
Truth be told, I was unconsciously attempting to do the impossible as some masochistic penance for the guilt and shame endured. The only way to absolve it was to save every single young teen online. It was utter madness to think this way and in hindsight I did save myself by resigning as all over the most popular social media platforms this problem still exists today. Insurmountable, unstoppable and exponential.
It flourishes - there is endless opportunity. <ore and more meat for the predatory pedophile's perverted grinder. I sicken myself with tjos honest description and sadden myself that it's not being opposed today. If i did not halt my kamikaze attempt of retribution against the world I could have easily died from the indescribable horrors still not faced. Yet I feel I would have perished happily - knowing it was a for a cause much greater than my own.
You see, this is the mindcage I wsa entrapped within; believing that death was preferable to seeking the end of my own battle, surmounting my own fears.
The scars remained strong as ever for over two decades but to survive and recover took promising the child in me that I would rescue him before every other child worldwide. I had to invert what I feared and saw as an impossibility to resolve: I had to do this to fight the enemy within. I had to force myself to admit that I had been deluding myself, believing that the task of accomplishing the impossible was the only choice, was my destiny.
I accepted this destiny as mine alone and felt that the dissolution of
I ask Myself: am I now an Adult reconciled with lost aspects of childhood? Could I finally be made whole, or am I still imprisoned in my memories?
I'm old now, passed through the void and bled through the breach. I survived and you know what? I feel like a father in some abstract, virtual, wholly dystopian year of 2020 way... There is a lost boy out there who became spiritually a son to me and I hope he will grow up to be a man and forever remember that he too, can act with virtue, nary a second thought and no hesitation in doing what is right when faced with what is most evil.
And I hope it becomes incrementally easier each time one adult intervenes to save the next adult yet to be. Remember this; you too can suffer to spill your blood so the next generation's digital rites of passage is stronger, more resilient with the memory of your righteous acts living on in them, and theirs.