I just learned a new word today: alloparents. Alloparents are the other caregivers in a child's life aside from their birth parents. This can be their grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, daycare workers, teachers, neighbors, friends of the family, cousins, etc. In this article, it talks about (among other things) how children are traditionally raised by lots of people - "it takes a village," as it were - and it's really weird how western/American culture emphasizes the nuclear family to the detriment of everyone.
When I was a teenager, I was my brother's alloparent. He was born when I was 13, and immediately I had caretaking duties. That summer, I was his only caretaker while my parents, sister, and aunt were all out at paying jobs. I watched his first steps during that time. When I was in high school, my father had stopped working by that point, so I had to rush home after school to watch my brother because our dad was too drunk by noon to care for himself, let alone an infant. One time, my brother escaped out the front door, and the family dog went with him, protecting him. He was already all the way down the alley before our father realized he was outside. Once, when I was 16 and my brother was 3, my father angrily asked me, "Why when you tell him to pick up his toys, he does it, but when I tell him, he doesn't do it??!" I calmly told him, "Because he knows that I mean it, but you'll just yell for 20 minutes and then do it yourself." My father actually agreed with me on that. He was 51 years old. I was 16. But apparently I had better parenting skills.
I do not want biological children. I do not want my genetic clusterfuck to be passed on. I can barely take care of myself. There are a myriad of reasons why I don't want kids. But I have that experience with my brother, and he's a pretty good egg (when he does something good I tell him, "I raised you right!" LOL). I feel like it's irresponsible to have kids if you don't really want them; children know when they are wanted (and it sucks to know that you aren't). So it drives me bonkers when people act like I'm not fulfilling some duty or not fully human if I don't breed. I have been told things like, "What will you do when you're old?" as if children only exist to care for aging parents, or legit I've been advised that I should make babies because it's supposed to lessen the pain of endometriosis (which I have, yes, I'm a trans guy if you're new here), as if pain relief was a justifiable reason to bring another person into the world. I just. My head exploded.
This fountain is an accurate representation of how I feel about menses
In US culture, people act like if you don't have your own children, well. You don't know shit about kids. You don't know how kids think (um, excuse me, we were all children once? Did you forget?). You don't know how to hold a baby. You don't know how to calm down a crying, screaming temper tantrum. You don't know what to do with them, and therefore you cannot be trusted with their perfect little snowballs. Meanwhile, I've witnessed actual parents of children oblivious to their kids bolting out into the parking lot in front of oncoming traffic in the store I worked at (I was the one who chased after the toddler and stopped him from getting run over by an SUV and when I found mom later she was across the store and didn't seem ruffled when I told her), oblivious again to their kid climbing the 20 foot high warehouse shelves full of 2x4s when I worked at Home Depot (again, didn't care when I brought the kid to them, again, across the store), and of course, there's my own dad. Being the one who spawned the offspring does not automatically imbue you with magical, child rearing wisdom, obviously. But oh gee my childless ass couldn't possibly know better than the mom who gave her toddler a stainless steel straw at Starbucks and when he hurt himself with it went full Karen and got them recalled, instead of, you know, not being a fuckwit and giving a toddler a hollow metal pipe to put inside their mouth. I wasn't there for that one, I only heard the story when I asked the barista about the recall because I saw the sign and owned the straws.
Now, obviously, there are some wonderful parents out there (thank the Gods), and there are some healthy relationships between them and the other people who help take care of their kids in some way or another. But too often, you see parents treating the alloparents in their kids' lives with disdain (witness how many parents treat teachers, for instance, let alone daycare workers). And we wonder why we're so isolated and alone in our culture. We're so indoctrinated to be islands of self sufficiency, we don't recognize or appreciate that none of us truly are, no matter how hard we try. And we embed this in our kids young when we demonstrate to them that only their nuclear family really matters, instead of a sense of community.
art by N.o. Bonzo
It is my humble, childless opinion that parents should embrace their kids' alloparents. It can help the parents not feel so overwhelmed, help the alloparents feel appreciated, and help the kids feel like they have lots of adults they can turn to who care about them (especially if, Goddess forbid, that kid is being abused somewhere; if they feel wholly dependent on their abuser, they're unlikely to go to their auntie or teacher and tell them what's going on, but if they have a whole community of caretakers, they might feel comfortable sharing). It can foster community, solidarity, and mutual aid. It can ease loneliness and people can learn from each others' experiences and skills. In short, it's of benefit to everyone when we work together, and appreciate what each of us has to offer. Not to mention, it helps keeps kids safe. I'm old enough to remember the days of yore in the long, long ago when all the parents on the block knew all the kids and would keep an eye on us as we played outside. Nobody called CPS because you were playing outside unsupervised; you had ten adults peeking out their windows every now and again to make sure you were okay and paying attention to how far down the block your shouts were coming from. We had an elderly lady on our street who lived alone, and us kids regularly paid her visits - beneficial to her and the kids. There was no tragic story about the isolated senior who was found dead two weeks later because nobody knew them; we were her kids and she was our friend. We chatted in her kitchen and played with her dog and on Halloween, she gave her special kids full size candy bars (Halloween gold right there). ;) It was a community. And we miss out when we hide behind our privacy fences and overbooked schedules.
It can be difficult to be the one to take the first step, but reach out! Meet your neighbors. Offer to get groceries for your disabled neighbor who has to isolate during covid. Bake your kids' teacher a cake. Arrange alternating days where you and your kids' friends' parents pick them up from school. Whatever. Build the community now and not just when you're in a crisis. Make a support system where everyone helps everyone, and suddenly those bumps in the road of life become a bit more survivable.
And don't give toddlers metal straws. ;)
