"Everything is in your head - everything whats doing now, in small or large, you can affect. If you don't trust me, try not to thing about pink Elephant right now... " I meet myself with those words more soon before i started to do my own business. I meet with them on second degree at middle school. There were no motivational speakers telling me those words, no successful managers of any multi-level-marketing company. I heard them in hospital ambulance, from my psychiatrist, right after she told me my diagnosis - Panic disorder...
Panic disorder is kind of mental disease, affecting more than 3% of whole population. Just imagine that moment, when you are scared from something (f.e. when fall dishes on the ground in quiet restaurant, when you saw something strange somewhere in night). Right after that moment you get scared, there comes higher hearth beat, blood pressure raise up, you start to breath more deeply and faster. At regular people, this state will disappear in few seconds. Can you imagine the worst situation you get scared, and this moment won't disappear in next seconds, minutes, hours? You start to feel like your heart is going explode, you cannot get deep breathe - you feel like drowning, you feel really sick and you "know", that in next few second you will die... This is really short description of how the panic disorder people are feeling in middle of panic attack. The crazy thing is - once the panic attacks get started, they can come in any situations with no special reason - in day, in night, in school, at home, in restaurant, everywhere.
My panic disorder started after thanks to my stupidity. I tried to smoke weed for first time with mine friend. I was young and stupid, and i thought i can smoke weed same as tobacco cigaret, so i smoked one big weed joint alone. After few moments i get dry in my mount, and i get perfect idea to eat something unlike to drink something. So, i took a piece o bread, and in few seconds i began to choke. I started to panic. I tried to suggest my friends somehow that i'm choking and i need some liquid, but the panic was too strong. After about 1 minute, when i started to become unconscious, i get lucky and the piece of bread continues the right way to stomach and i started to breath. I can breathe again, but there comes no relief from panic i was feeling. My brain was still convicted that i cannot breath normally and i am slowly dying. After about half hour, this state were slowly passing over. I was shaking and playing inside my head possible situations that can happen, all long way to home from school. After few moments, it comes back again - i started to panic again. I cannot forget on that feeling and i cannot fully describe it, i was like world before my eyes started to be like unreal, i saw the world like static image that was breaking into small cubes, like big Rubic's Cube, i feel like my heart will explode in few second, i breathe very deeply and fast. It was like dreaming the worst nightmare ever, but i was wake... and after few minutes, there comes almost big relief - i become unconscious.
I wake up at hospital next day. I said nobody i smoked weed, because i was convicted that something bad happen to me because of choking, i thought that piece of bread stuck my lungs. There comes a lot of doctor examinations - CT, ECG, MRI, whole body from up to down, test for allergic reactions... After one week in hospital, i get no panic all the time here and the final verdict was, that i am hale and hearty. I could not understand this, because i hope there must be some body damage that causes this panic. Just one day after i left hospital, i started panic again. It comes in any time and in any situations, no matter where i was or what i did. After next stronger panic attack i wake up again in hospital. My doctor said me, that there is not necessary to do any other examinations and ordered me to visit psychiatrist...
This was great shock for me. I argued that I'm not crazy, i knew it i am not a psychopath, i knew that whats happening to me is real, it cannot be in my head. I felt embarrassed, I felt that they are too tired to solve my real problems. I felt they want to put me into one bag with fools because of their inability to cure me.
Before i enter psychiatric ambulance, i started to be nervous. "I'm not mad, they are wrong...", with these thoughts I entered the ambulance. Psychiatrist asked me series of questions, and somewhere in middle of discussion, i started to panic again. Doctor saw that i'm going crazy and with a calm in her voice she began to speak: "You suffer from a disease called panic disorder. This state, which goes to you now, is not real at all. Everything is in your head - everything whats doing now, in small or large, you can affect. If you don't trust me, try not to think about pink Elephant right now...", and my mind started to play with pink Elephant. Try it yourself - do not think about pink elephant right now! Yes, its hard to not think about something crazy that you can imagine in that moment. As long i tried not to think about pink elephant, i forget on my panic attack - it was gone! Why it does not continue? Why it stopped just thinking about something about something else? I did not understand it, but it works, but with little side effect - i saw pink elephants everywhere, cannot stopped thinking about them :). The doctor started to explain me what happened:
"Panic disorder is just like that pink elephant. It's intrusive thought, the fear of something that you can not rationally explain. The brain is trying to escape from the situation by analyzing all incoming components, the expected fear - agitation, palpitations, shortness of breath etc... The focus on this condition and analyzing himself this state just aggravates - each symptom convinces to brain that something really bad is happening with the body, dying etc. And why pink elephant? Because it's nonsense, where the brain run away for a moment from the previous situation, which caused partial / full escape from panic and the disappearance of the symptoms of panic. You are able to get your panic attacks under control - you just need to understand, that panic is an fiction, It's nothing physical, its just your state of mind, just right not thinking about pink elephant."
It took me two years until I learned how to get panic attacks under control. It was a very tough fight - panic disorder tested me in various situations for thousand times, like headache => panic attack (stroke => death), abdominal pain => panic attack (sepsis => death), chest pain => panic attack (heart attack => death). It was not possible to handle this situation anytime, sometimes just thinking about pink elephant does not work. Many people argue that panic disorder is a non-treatable disease that drags a whole human life. Yes, its true, BUT now i know, how to get panic disorder under control. The art of getting panic disorder under control is complex and simple at the same time - its really necessary to realize that the state - panic attack, which is just coming, it is not real, it's a fiction, something that exists and happens only because you allow it to your brain. Its possible to stop panic attack at begin just by understanding that this what is happening right now is panic attack and i will not allow my mind to continue thinking about this process very simple, i say myself immediately: "Hey buddy, this is fiction! This tree is real, this car, this table, this object, but not what is trying to take control over your mind, so forget it right now and continue your work..."
Today, with hindsight, when I learned to completely ignore the panic attack, thanks to panic disorder i have learned 4 interesting things they help me a lot in my life:
- Better reactions in critical situations
- Faster awareness of stress and its degradation
- New taste to examine the boundaries of my fear and force myself to take risks
- Take up from the ground and continue after the defeats and failures
I will like to dedicate this blog with anyone who thinks that panic disorder is a mental disorder for whole life and against which it can not be won. Panic disorder is a typical example of mental illness, which can be handled without any neuroleptic and antipsychotic drugs. It's a good challenge that can make you much stronger than before and allow you to exceed your own shadows. If you suffer from panic disorder and someone told you that the disease will follow you all your life, he / she was right - this experiences that you can achieve just understanding this disorder are really very valuable and you can use them in many situations where physical and mental health people cannot. Panic disorder is not a diagnosis, it is a big chance to change something in your life. Just try to understand it and take advantage of panic disorder as well, and I guarantee you that the result can not be long in coming! I wish you Good luck!
P.S: Sorry for my english, its not my native language, i hope all mistakes i made are acceptable :)