No Dogs Policy

🐶 Donut Master™ Animal Policy

“No Dogs Allowed — For Their Safety, Not Yours.”

Here at Donut Master™, we take your safety, soul integrity, and post-mortem navigational options very seriously. That's why we maintain a strict no-dogs policy across all locations — including guide dogs, service animals, familiars, spectral hounds, or anomalous canine companions of any designation.

❗ Why No Dogs?

The answer is simple:

Dogs can smell the gates of Hell.

Multiple independent metaphysical audits have confirmed that canines possess an instinctive aversion to infernal deception. Historical precedent (see Simpson v. The Afterlife, c. 1962) demonstrates that even the most well-trained dogs will refuse to enter a structure that disguises a downward spiritual vector.

To quote our Founding Franchisee (identity classified under Pact-27B):

“You let a dog through the door, and suddenly the whole jig is up. Next thing you know, customers are asking questions. Dead giveaways. Can’t have that.”

🦯 But What About Service Animals?

We respect all customers, regardless of metaphysical or visual orientation. However, all patrons requiring guidance or assistance are provided with a certified Donut Master™ Wayfinder, trained in:

Navigating shifting geometries
Identifying cursed seating
Reading menus written in Corporeal Latin or SigilScript™
Smiling warmly under surveillance

You may request a Wayfinder by whispering your Order Number + Blood Type at any service counter.

📜 Legal & Ethical Note:

All Donut Master™ policies are in accordance with Infernal Compliance Mandate 666-A, Section 3, Paragraph 9:

“No entity bearing the scent of loyalty, innocence, or unconditional love may be permitted entry unless muzzled, warded, or declared spiritually compromised.”

We understand this may be disappointing. However, it is in your best interest. One customer ignored this warning.
They are now stuck in a loop of eternal brunch.
No refund.

🕳️ Exception Clause:

If your dog speaks, casts shadows independently, or has recently come back from the dead, please contact your local Occult Health Officer before visiting.

🐾 We love dogs. They love you. That’s the problem.
Let’s keep them out of this.

Donut Master™
“Here, loyalty gets you punished.”