People often ask me why I chose to become a foster parent. I’ve written about this elsewhere, and will probably write about it again as part of this series of posts. The short answer is that it was something that I had always wanted to do, and I saw a documentary in 2016 that opened my eyes to the state of the foster care system in Australia. This was the final straw you could say that caused me to spring into action. I’m going to start blogging regularly on the topic of foster parenting, both because I’m hopeful that it’s a topic that people will find interesting, and because it’s a topic that is widely misunderstood and worthy of further attention. I'll cover a variety of topics and am happy to take questions . I’m going to start with some observations after having spent six months in the foster care system.
Observations from The First Six Months
I’ve been a foster parent for just over six months. We’ve got our sixth foster child staying with us currently. This certainly doesn’t qualify me as an expert, in fact I still very much consider myself to be a newbie. I’ve seen enough to form some initial opinions however, and to make some observations that I’m hopeful might be helpful to parents of all types. I’m certainly not claiming to be a parenting guru. These are just some things that I’ve observed, and some thoughts that I’ve had.
Observation One - All They Need Is Love
It’s probably no surprise that one thing which foster children crave is love and attention. The strength with which this comes through when you spend time with these children however, has been confronting. Given they come from abusive, neglectful and chaotic backgrounds, it is not surprising that many of them are starved of love. Many of the children we see however, have spent significant periods of their life in the foster system. They are therefore somewhat distanced from the trauma that caused them to be removed from their parents. Yet they still crave attention.
When you start to understand how the foster system works, which is something I will write about in a subsequent post, this makes sense. It still amazes me though, how much difference it makes to spend a little bit of one-on-one time with them. It’s not a silver bullet, and it doesn’t solve all the problems, but the changes you see in behaviour are remarkable once the child starts to feel valued.
I think this is a lesson that is relevant to all parents. It’s very easy to either take children for granted, or outright just not find time for them. This can have lasting implications on the child’s confidence. I read one study recently that stated that each child needs 20 minutes per day of one-on-one time with a parent to establish and maintain a solid bond. The most important point here is one-on-one. Family dinners, outings to the park, and other group activities are important, but they don’t replace one-on-one time.
The second thing I would highlight is 20 minutes. This is not much of a commitment. I spend more than 20 minutes a day on discord discussing topics like Haejin, cat photos (yes 
No parent is perfect, and there will always be days where you literally don’t have the time. If you have a target in your mind however, of 20 minutes per day with each of your children, then I think you’ll be light years ahead of many parents. Your child’s confidence and success will grow as your reward.
Observation Two - Boundaries Are Important
This point may be controversial. I realise there are a variety of different parenting techniques commonly employed. I generally take the approach that as long as the parent is doing what’s in the best interest of the child, then how they choose to raise that child is none of my business. At some level however, boundaries play a part.
We foster children under six. In the early years of a child’s life one of the most important roles that a parent fulfils is to provide a firm base, from which the child feels safe and has the confidence to explore the world. The visualisation that is often used is that of the parent as a stable platform that allows the child to confidently embrace new experiences, knowing that should they encounter something with which they are uncomfortable, they are able to return to the parent, who represents safety.
Boundaries are essential in establishing this safe zone. The examples that I see come from the extreme end of the spectrum, because of the types of children that we are asked to foster. The principle is applicable to all children though. Boundaries are important because they let the child know where their safe space is. A child that grows up in an environment without boundaries, or with inconsistent boundaries, never knows where they are safe. The boundary is a simple tool that allows a child to understand that if I stay here I am safe, but if I go over there I’m in trouble. Once the child understands where it is safe, it then has the confidence to explore all experiences within that space. Boundaries do not need to simply be physical but can be emotional or spiritual as well. A child that grows up without boundaries is likely to lack confidence and be hesitant to explore new experiences. If this is established in the early years, it is a trait that will likely follow them throughout their entire life.
I think it is important to highlight that there is a significant difference between establishing boundaries for your children and being an authoritative parent. There is nothing wrong with being an authoritative parent. It is one of the common styles recommended to many new parents. Authoritative parenting does not suit all people however and there are a multitude of ways to successfully raise children. Regardless of your style, your children need boundaries in one form or another. The scope and extent of these boundaries is completely up to the parent, but their existence is essential. Boundaries can be as simple as rules like:
- it’s never okay to hit other people,
- in this house we share our toys with our brothers and sisters, or
- you never cross the road without holding a parent hands.
Once the child understands these simple rules, they know that if they stay within them they can do pretty much whatever they like without getting in trouble. This provides an amazing boost to their confidence. Regardless of your parenting style I would encourage you to think about the importance of boundaries in your own parenting. From first hand experience, with children with really challenging behaviours, I can assure you that they work wonders.
Observation Three - It Breaks My Heart When They Call Me Daddy
This might seem strange. You may be inclined to say that surely if a child wants to identify with you as a parent, then that’s a compliment and shows you may be doing a good job. A part of me that would like to think this is true. What I really think is happening though refers back to my first point about craving love and attention. To have the child’s natural parents either so absent from the life, or toxic, that a three-year-old will call you dad within 12 hours of coming into your home is quite confronting. I would much prefer the child had a real parent in their life that they identified with, rather than having to latch on to anybody that shows them attention. Potentially if this was the case they would never have entered the foster system in the first place though.
That’s the end of my first piece on being a foster parent. As I mentioned in the opening paragraph, it really is just the world according to me. I think the most parents do a fantastic job. That said, I always find it useful to hear how other parents approach problems, so hopefully you will find something useful in what I had to say today. This is a topic I’d very much like to continue writing on. If there is a question you would like to ask or something you would like an opinion on, please feel free to comment below and I will do my best to address it. Thank you for reading.