Every single day, I talk to mothers who are in the process of leaving their children in the care of strangers, whether as the first instance where the infant must be separated from its primary caretaker, or later where the child is settled into the care situation, but where the mother questions whether that care is optimal for her child on a daily basis.
At the same time, we have come to take the current child care systems for granted, accept them even as the most advanced form of care a child can receive. Parents who wish to stay at home with their young are scolded and judged as irresponsible, told they are denying their children important socialization skills. We are told that if we want our children to succeed, to gain friends, to be ”normal”, we must send them to a child care facility where they will receive a care that we possibly cannot give them, and that we shouldn’t even want to, as we ought to consider our own ”career” as a point of personal accomplishment, (especially as women raised after women joined the labor force).
My friends: It is a lie.
I have worked in kindergartens, preschools, after school programs and primary schools for several years. I have seen these institutions from the inside, day in and day out. I have also worked with teachers and done workshops with them, geared towards supporting them to become better at meeting children’s needs.
And all I can tell you is that I do not plan on placing my child in a care facility. It is not because I am categorically against my child going to a place with other children to play. On the contrary. I have a very social child who enjoys other children, so this has definitely been part of my considerations when making this decision. But I also know a little something about the dark sides of these places, and to me, it simply isn’t worth it just so that my child can have some friends to play with - as this is something I’ll be able to support her with either way.
If she did however go to preschool or kindergarten, what she is likely to be met with is (based off of my own direct personal experiences working as a teacher as well as the experiences of others that has been shared with me):
- Having to be woken up early and rushed out of bed, and then rushed through breakfast and rushed out the door.
- No adults to greet her in the mornings, as there are not enough hands and the only available adults cannot be present.
- Few adults to talk to generally throughout the day as they are running around, barely able to manage to get through the day.
- Children that are sick and contaminating others on a consistent basis, thus creating a constant influx of disease.
- An endless rotation of adults that she won’t know or be familiar with. No primary teacher or person she can go to.
- Uneducated and highly inappropriately skilled care workers are a fixed staple.
- Care workers and teachers who do not care about children, who are burned out, stressed out, fed up, taking it out on the kids.
- Care workers and teachers who are physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. (This happens on a daily level in the kinder gardens and preschools I’ve worked in, and I’ve worked in well over 20-25 places, both public and private.
- Older care workers or teachers who are nearing the age pf retirement and who subscribe to an old fashioned approach to child rearing, including screaming, grabbing arms, punishing and humiliating.
- The use of force in vulnerable situations such as diaper changes and toilet visits. Children who walk around for hours with a full diaper or whom wet themselves or hold in their poop.
*Arbitrary and random activitities.
*The constant break-up of free play situations.
*An unstimulating learning environment. - An extremely high volume and high stress environment where there is no place to go and be quiet, silent or calm. In the institutions that are known as ”integrated” (specific to Denmark), it is even worse.
- Forced time outside, even in extreme weather (more so in Sweden) where children are forced to remain outside for hours on end, no matter how cold, wet or poorly dressed they are.
- The use of force and humiliation and other forms of abuse in eating situations where children are forced to eat food they don’t like or don’t want, or where food is taken from them as a form of punishment.
- Children that are left to their own devices for great periods of time because there simply aren’t enough adults.
- Children that bit, kick, fight and bully each other without adults intervening.
- Young children that cannot even walk or talk who are left to their own devices because there are not enough adults.
- Children that scream and cry for their parents for hours.
There ARE good things in preschools and kindergartens too. There are nice adults. There is nice moments and quiet moments and there are places that are better than others. I have worked in a kindergarten where all children were given a hug by an adult in the morning, and it wasn’t even something they had decided as a rule. It was simply part of the culture in that place. But to me, these nice things do not make up for all the horrendous things that happen. Some children really like going to preschool and kindergarten. Often they are a bit older. And I am sure that for a few children, given their situation at home for example, it truly is best for them to go to kindergarten. But for a lot of children, especially the youngest, we really need to start discussing how going to kindergarten is affecting them - and what we can do to provide sustainable alternatives so that parents either can stay at home longer with their kids, or smaller family communities can be created that operate within the best interest of the children. I have made it part of my life’s purpose to help with creating such solutions.
If you are a parent who has no choice but to send your child into a child care facility, and this post has upset you, please know that it is not my intention to upset you or cause you painful emotions like guilt. I understand that not everyone has the opportunity to stay at home, and it may also be daunting and not even desirable for many people.
This is why it is my perspective that we need to collaborate more between families and support one another in caring for our young. It is also my perspective that we as parents need more support and coaching when it comes to how to care for our children in the best way - as well as how to deal with the emotions and reactions that come up within us in relation to being parents - things that we don’t often talk about.
Children are resilient and they survive going to kindergarten and preschool. I know I have, and you probably have to. But we have to ask ourselves if merely surviving is what we want to aim at in life, if that is all we want for our children.
There is so much innate potential being wasted because our education systems and child care facilities are so sub-optimal that they are harming rather than supporting our children.
We are the most important people in our children’s lives. Let’s not forget that. And let’s not abdicate the responsibility we have taken upon ourselves by placing them into the world, to a system that has no care for them what so ever. The system is busy imploding from within because it is being drained and given no sustenance, no nurture. And our children suffer for it. So - if you are able to, step up. If not, consider how you might be in the future. If you’d like support, reach out. We are at a point in time where it IS possible to make an impact, to change this thing once and for all, and create a more supportive and nurturing environment for our children to grow up in - an environment that as a result can contribute to creating a more supportive and nurturing world.
In an upcoming post I'll share more about the solutions I see.