Well today marks the day. The day I hoped would never come. The day I tried so desperately to ward off. The day that I decided to stop pumping and stop nursing my almost seven month old son. My daughter never had an ounce of formula in her life. So the personal disappointment is heavy. Some people don’t ever get the opportunity to breast feed, so I count my blessings.
But, my emotions are high. I feel like I owe everyone an explanation. I feel like I owe my son an explanation. A justification. Which is a falsity, I know, I get it. But I still feel a tinge (actually a colossal amount) of failure. Which I’m hoping will pass as this transition continues.
My boobs can’t take it anymore though. The milk isn’t there. I’ve done the tea, I’ve done the herbal supplements. I’ve done the compressions, I’ve done the pumping every ten minutes. My son is like a ravenous beast when it comes to eating. So he prefers a bottle. Which is great until I am home from work and trying to finagle a bottle, maintain a pumping schedule, and manage two tiny tots.
I told my husband this morning my decision. He’s been a part of the process the past few months as my supply decreased. Watching me cry as the ounces diminished. Hearing me say, “Maybe it’s the pump, I’m gonna try some new parts,” or “Maybe it’s a clogged milk duct.” Encouraging me that I’ve gone above and beyond what a lot of people would do, that Andy is blessed to have had the ‘liquid gold’ for as long as he’s had. So, when he heard the words this morning, he knew the depth in them. He knew the thought that went into them. And he knew the small sense of freedom it brought me. So his response was, “Welcome back, babe.” He means, welcome back to the life of a little stress, a little more relaxation, a little less pressure.
I know people will judge my decision. I know some may think I could’ve done more. Some will even have an opinion about why I tried so hard in the first place. And that’s okay. I had a chat with Andy tonight, and he’s good.
All I need now is to hold this lump in my throat down for another couple days and I think we’ll be good to go.