My friend asked me the other day in a text message if I was a ‘peaceful parent’. It was a term that I had heard of before, but that I really didn’t know anything about. I thought about his question for a second and responded, ‘I don’t know, but I don’t think that we should hit our children.’ To which he answered, that’s basically the idea behind ‘peaceful parenting’.
This interchange got me thinking about the term ‘peaceful parenting’. What is it? And what does the word peace actually mean in this phrase? When I think about parenting, peace is not a word that readily comes to mind. Conflict, stress, confusion, worry, power struggles, etc. these are words that come to mind when I think of parenting, as well as smiles, laughter, wonder, contentment, and love. But peace? Outside of the rare moments when I find my son and daughter either playing happily together, or sitting on other sides of the room, absorbed in their own play, and not asking for my attention, do I think of peace.
Thinking that I understood the basic ideas behind the concept of ‘peaceful parenting’, I initially thought, maybe ‘peaceful parenting’ is not an accurate term. Maybe something like ‘compassionate parenting’ would better. But after having looked into what ‘peaceful parenting’ actually is, I can see that ‘peaceful’ is, indeed, the best word to use.
In my assumptions, I guessed that ‘peaceful parenting’ was about interacting with your children compassionately, being guided by the ‘Golden Rule’, and finding ways to not only give your children voices but also find ways to hear and validate your children’s voices. I assumed that ‘peaceful parenting’ was about interacting with your children in a way that promotes choices and empowers children rather than merely directing them from a position of authority.
From what I can tell, my assumptions were not wrong. All the ideas that I mentioned above do seem to be tenets of ‘peaceful parenting’. However, my assumptions did fail to comprehend one thing. They failed to comprehend what I think is the most important aspect of ‘peaceful parenting’, and the very thing that this style of parenting is named after. The peace in ‘peaceful parenting’ does not actually describe parenting itself, or the exchanges that you have with your children. The peace in this phrase describes the peace within you, your own inner peace, and the practice of using this peace as the place from which your parenting begins. ‘Peaceful parenting’ may be a lot of things, but at its foundation, it is primarily the idea that we should promote peace within ourselves before we embark on the various interactions with our children that make up this thing called parenting.
Realizing this has had a profound change on the way that I interact with my children. It has raised my awareness of my own emotions and the way that I am feeling when I begin to react to whatever crisis is at hand. It has really helped me to stop and take a breath before I react, which has, in turn, helped me to, before I engage my children, let go of the anger and frustration that I often feel as a kneejerk reaction to a variety of situations. Letting go of these initial emotions of anger and frustration, of ‘How many times do I have to tell you?’ etc., really helps give me what feels like an ability to truly engage my children from a place of compassion and forgiveness.
If you find yourself feeling angry, irritated, or frustrated by your children’s actions or some other aspect of your life, I encourage you to try recognizing that anger, irritation, or frustration and to try doing something to let it go before you interact with your children. I think that you will find that this will make a big difference in your day-to-day interactions and in the quality of your relationships.