I’ve written in the past on perspectives I’ve adopted regarding the parent/child relationship, where I tried to introduce the idea that a child is born into a form of captivity, starting with a large degree of helplessness and dependency upon others. The child has a built-in desire to control an increasing number of aspects of their own life. It was my recommendation that parenting a child is an opportunity for the parents to help guide their child from that state of captivity to gain the full powers and responsibilities (abilities to respond, as the definition of responsibilities) of adulthood as a smooth and effective transition. From research I’ve done, it seems that this perspective of parenting was often accomplished by approximately age 12 in many parts of the world.
Nowadays, with the artificial prolonging of childhood happening in many ways and many places, there are lots of people who become 18 and older who lack the substantial skills that can deliver them from a state of extreme dependency upon services provided by others (i.e. government-provided services such as welfare). I was once in this camp, unfortunately, because for many years I had a very deficient idea of the skills I needed to develop and the ways that I could learn them. Parenting is an opportunity to help children develop their skills of agency, volition and autonomy, as well as the needed abilities which help them navigate the present-day world, so as to achieve predicted and desired results. This can be done quickly for some children, and more slowly with others, and the opportunity is, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful and difficult jobs one can possibly take on. I take parenting very seriously, and because of that I seek to get advice and feedback from as many useful sources as possible, so that I can continue to be an increasingly better parent.
That said, when evaluating my own parenting skills and achievements, as well as planning future parenting situations, who do I look to for useful feedback and advice? In terms of the priority order that I often use when I ask for feedback or advice:
- My daughter. She’s 20 years old now, but I’ve been seeking her feedback for a long time, because she’s the one receiving the services of my parenting. It was different when she was younger, and living with me, and it’s true that she was less articulate 10-15 years ago, but it was still possible back then to talk with her and get an idea of what was appreciated and what wasn’t. Nowadays, I can have deep conversations with her, to find out about ways that I excelled in my job as parent, as well as ways in which I majorly failed to serve her. As with most feedback that I get, my first response is: “Thank you.” I follow up with getting clear on what was desired and what would have been more preferable, and what I can potentially do now to help make things better. I make sure that I never say the phrase: “I did the best I could.” I find that statement to be rather dismissive, and it seems to often be a red herring. (http://www.nizkor.org/features/fallacies/red-herring.html) My daughter is similar to a client I work for in my healthcare practice. I would never tell a client that “I did the best I could” if there was a complaint or problem with my actions as a professional. On the rare occasions when I find out that they were displeased, I seek to redress any problems they have with my services, by understanding what was desired and finding creative, win/win ways to achieve those goals. I seek to apply the same ethos to my parenting services.
- Other children. Children are receiving some kind of parenting services, and the older they are the easier it is for them to express what they want (or wanted) more of and less of. The younger they are, the more the child is in touch with being in the present moment, and if they can clearly communicate what they really want (and don’t want) I can use that as information leading to greater knowledge and understanding regarding what many children might be wishing for. As with getting advice and feedback from anyone, I keep in mind the context and circumstances, such as my relationship with the child and their parents. I realize that some large quantities of children might not be comfortable giving critical feedback to anyone regarding the parenting services they are receiving, because they are completely unable and unwilling to emancipate themselves from their parents and they literally MUST “make the best of it”. Even with these obstacles, I can still glean useful information from other children regarding parenting.
- Young adults who DON’T have children. Similar to my daughter, who isn’t a parent, I’ve found it invaluable to seek feedback on parenting from those young adults who aren’t presently living with their parents and who have some degrees of objectivity regarding the parenting they received. Unlike when they were children, these people are older, and are rapidly gaining perspective and wisdom on many aspects of life. In my experience, young adults are often told by parents that unless they have children of their own….their advice or suggestions regarding parenting isn’t welcome or useful. “Unless you have kids, you don’t understand” is a phrase I hear and read far too often. I suggest that parents begin seeking out these people for feedback and advice. They aren’t so old that they can’t clearly recall what they liked and disliked. Parents reading this, please remember, the child is similar to a client, and as a parent you are providing a critical service to them. As an “independent service provider” (providing the service of parenting, in this case), it is my hope that you wouldn’t seek to ONLY get advice from other business owners, and ignore the feedback of your own clients and other people’s clients. The same goes for getting feedback and advice from young adults who don’t have children: they know what it was like, and they have answers to the questions of what was preferable and what was less preferable for them.
- Young adults who DO have children, age 18-28 approximately. These people remember being a child, having received parenting services from their mom and dad, and they are actively dishing out parenting services to their children. I personally (and purposefully) seek out young parents who are critical of how their parents treated them and who are seeking to use different strategies because of a desire to improve the life of their children, as well as reducing and/or eliminating any of the tragedies that they experienced which were connected to the parenting they experienced as children.
- Older adults, who either have or don’t have children. The older the person is, the further away the person is from a clear memory of the parenting they received. It’s been my experience that adults without children can often be more objective and honestly critical regarding how they were parented, although this isn’t a guarantee of accuracy. Older parents can often be found excusing certain aspects of parenting that are known to be harmful, such as the use of punishments and rewards to create obedience and conformity. (To understand this more clearly, see Alfie Kohn’s book Punished by Rewards: http://www.alfiekohn.org/punished-rewards ). In either case, when seeking advice and feedback on parenting, it is important to look deeply at a person’s willingness to question conclusions and beliefs that they have, as well as looking for a willingness to look at evidence or new pieces of data that might show that certain conclusions might not be very accurate and might even be erroneous. This flow chart can help with this pursuit: http://critical-thinkers.com/2011/03/critical-thinking-the-rational-discussion-flowchart/ .
It is my intention with this essay to empower the reader, whether they have children or not, to look more clearly at what happened to them as a child, as well as what is happening to children around them, regardless of who happens to be their parents. Rather than punishing one’s self for any perceived sense of failure to provide top quality parenting services, or wishing to punish one’s own (or someone else’s) parents for tragedies which occurred, it is my hope that this essay would inspire the reader to find room for improvement, as a parent and as a person who had parents. My message to all of you:
Please work to find the courage to look back on the past, find the areas that could use some improvement, and implement changes that lead to predicted and desired results, so you can create win/win situations that lift up everyone’s lives.