Navigating Relationship Conflict For Teen Girls - Three Ways for a Parent to Help
Many studies have shown that boys and girls handle conflict differently. Girls often handle conflict through what is called ‘relationship aggression’ - hurting others through relationships. This happens because girls get penalized for handling conflict in a direct way. Girls are more likely to be rejected by peers if they express their anger directly. Relationship aggression is a socially acceptable way to handle conflict without risking peer rejection.
How can a parent help? Here are three ways.
Connect and Empathize
Your daughter is working on it. You may not love the way your daughter is dealing with a conflict (There’s a good chance she’s not loving it, either). She is much more likely to be receptive to your help if she knows you’re on her side. Offering her advice about how to handle the situation differently is not helpful here. Here’s some good news: connecting doesn’t require finding the perfect words. Often times, it’s as simple as giving her your undivided attention paired with non-verbal reassurance.
https://goo.gl/images/oPS7iY
Model and Engage
Real, everyday conflict is a golden opportunity to teach and offer practice for working through the tough stuff. Consider having disagreements in front of the kids so they can see conflict, and adults resolving the conflict. Show your daughter that conflict doesn’t have to threaten the stability of a relationship. It was the power to do the opposite. Respectfully working through conflict, often strengthens bonds.
https://goo.gl/images/Lr6anW
Use your relationship with your daughter to practice working through conflict. Parent through example. Communicate your feelings directly. This gives your daughter an opportunity to practice empathy. When you both are receptive (that is, not in the heat of the moment), try explaining how her actions impact you. Encourage her to do the same with you (respectfully of course). Hear her out without getting defensive. Speak with her in a way that encourages her to hear you out. Help her practice finding solutions to relational problems...this prompts her to practice relational repair, without you demanding it. If she makes fun of her brother in front of friends, how can she make it right?
Offer Ethical Dilemmas
Your daughter tells you about a fight between peers/friends. You’re watching a movie together and there’s a fight between two characters. https://goo.gl/images/TZxADU These are great opportunities to ask: What would you do? Your daughter is not as emotionally invested as she may be while pitted against (a friend, you, etc). She is can think through this dilemma without the complication of her own emotional experience. This is a great opportunity to prepare her to be responsive, rather than reactive, in her approach to conflict.
Conclusion
You won’t be able to control your daughter’s choice in friends. https://goo.gl/images/fTwqeb Practicing these skills at home will build her confidence in her ability to navigate conflict. You can give her tools to use, and practice using those tools to navigate conflict in a healthy way. Engaging your daughter in these relational skills is a powerful way to strengthen your relationship with her and show her that healthy relationships feel good! https://goo.gl/images/udLUFE