Your child is not a special snowflake. To you, of course he or she is. But the universe does not care. Parents, please realize something. Nothing about your child matters to the world quite yet. What your child can or cannot do is inconsequential unless it will have a major impact on humanity when he or she is older. But you cannot know that when your child is still young. It's impossible, no matter what the elite preschools' administration will tell you when you show up to the orientation, notebook in hand. (The panic is evident as all the new parents suspiciously eye their prodigies to make sure they are playing nicely with others. It's quite a spectacle.)
That’s a lot of pressure for parents. We want our children to feel empowered, not entitled. How do we do this? I can tell you how we don’t. We don’t cater to the child.
When did child as equal parenting come into fashion? Children were always a part of life. If you were a woman and managed to survive the trauma of childbirth, your child owed a debt of some sort. That debt was to grow up and be a contributing member of society, and until that time, to serve his parents for the greater good of the family. Children weren’t coddled to such an extent that they thought everything they did was noteworthy.
Now, children are making decisions they have no business making, such as what restaurant to go to, where to take a vacation, and whether to go to a simple party with friends because it will interfere with nap time. Children can’t handle the responsibility of keeping the peace in the house. When people are given power they aren’t ready for, disaster ensues. God forbid a child has a tantrum in Target. It's unbelievable how many parents will cave to the demand that led to the meltdown to avoid embarrassment. Kids get mad; they snap and lose all sense of reason. As parents, it's our job to not give them the illusion of power.
Why do kids act out when they appear to have it all? The answer is they don't have it all, not even close. What they lack is boundaries. We are so afraid of the idea that our children may dislike us that we cower to their demands like they are the puppet masters pulling the strings Don’t say no to the kids, don’t discipline or it’s abuse. Child Services are watching. Kids know this too. They know they have their parents living in fear. All it takes is one call from a jilted teen to DCS to get the parent arrested.
Remember the Twilight Zone episode “It’s a Good Life?” Everyone was afraid of the little boy who could wish them into the cornfield if they thought bad thoughts. At age six, this child ruled the roost.
It all started with baby proofing our house when we had our triplets after all the reading we did about how dangerous the house is for kids unless it is “taken care of.” We fell for it too. Every cabinet had those kid proof locks. Every toilet seat. So you really have to pee? Try unlatching that lid when every second counts. Each lamp was stabilized by fancy wires holding them in place keeping them from toppling over. Puffy elastic guards for the coffee table corners so they wouldn’t get hurt. We thought we were doing the right thing. I was wrong and soon learned. When in the history of humanity has baby proofing been a thing? God knows as a child my parents never did this sort of thing. No one else did either. Suddenly, it’s all about the child’s safety. But is it? Of course, be vigilant with little ones running around. Keep pots on back burners, don’t give them a fork to explore the electrical outlet, don't let them play with matches.
Here’s what I found out. The real world is not childproof. People get hurt. People fall down and the ground isn’t padded. Off came those protective measures. Because if my child hits the corner of the coffee table and gets banged up, of course I’m sorry. But it won’t happen again. They learn that if you run into a corner, it will probably hurt. Lesson one - avoid injury by being more careful. Not "Oh, don’t worry. It's padded." Because real life isn’t. How can you learn what to do or not to do if you always have a safety net of artificial protection taking the place of teaching common sense?
I feel lucky. In my case I was outnumbered. I was never that parent who hovered over her children in a worried frenzy over the possibility of a knee getting scraped. It happens. Kids fall down. Here's an interesting phenomenon. Watch a child playing in the park. If he falls and skins a knee, before he reacts, he'll look to the parent to see how they react. That is how we learn to respond to life’s hiccups - 90% of the time, the parent is horrified and rushes in to sooth. At this, the child loses composure. The parent is reacting to the injury, and the child, alarmed, thinks “Hey, I must have done something pretty scary.” Wailing ensues. Parent and child comfort each other. In my case, I had to make light of any low grade cuts or scrapes because I was outnumbered. An “Oh no- let’s get that cleaned up” was the extent of sympathy. They carried on with their play.
And for any of you thinking I am a heartless mother, I assure you it’s quite the opposite. My children are growing up knowing their places in the house, namely that they aren’t all that important. Funny. In fact, they would tell you I say that and then laugh about it.
I set limits when they were young. They had no choice but to go along with plans not always their own or to their liking. They learned how to be adaptable. They learned how to deal with disappointment when things didn’t go their way. They learned how to do without even when all their friends didn’t have to. I worried about it. I wanted them to have it all too. At first. But it was only after they had no choice but to share bedrooms and get along that I saw the fruits of my parenting labor begin to ripen. They now understand that they make their own futures. They are responsible for the good and the bad that may happen as a result of their choices. They have come through the other side knowing they are the captains of their own ships. The secret is to accept children as a part of life, not as life itself. They are humans that must be raised to step away from the "me mentality" that prevails.
Kids expect the moon these days. And parents deliver. My children’s high school is littered with G class Benz tanks in the junior/senior parking lot - their OWN. Guess what? They aren’t happy. Contrary to popular belief, they can’t be bought. Sure, on the surface it may seem so. But they are still hungry for parents, real parents who will let them fall on their asses from time to time. How else will they learn to get back up?
We all know what happened to Veruka.
One girl from their school was given a new Porsche 911 for her 16th birthday. Her parents told her to not let anyone drive it. Completely disregarding their wishes, she let a friend take it to pick up lunch a mile away; said friend totaled the car. The parents bought their daughter another brand new Porsche for her inconvenience.
Where should I start?
When kids call the shots we as a society need to be worried. Scores of kids grow up feeling special like the world owes them something just for being alive.
Parents threaten college professors for giving their little angels less than perfect grades. They're horrified that someone would dare mark their child off for anything; it might be too stressful. And we never want our children to be disappointed. We want their lives to be easy. They come first, after all.
Would you think it cute if your college aged “child” freaked out over a spider in his or her bed? Would you call the school and threaten to sue for the emotional trauma of inconveniencing your child by forcing them to find a solution to their problem?
Let me make it easier. Tell me who this child is, and I will go there with a whole jar of spiders and release them just to toughen him up. That’s love. Well, my kids would think so.
Your child’s soccer team came last for every game? No worries. Everyone gets a trophy because it might make the losing team feel bad.
What’s the impetus to strive hard for success if you see mediocrity or sub-par performance rewarded enthusiastically for “effort?”
Not where I come from. You aren’t that special. I love you. But you will learn about failure and I won’t come to the rescue in order to keep you from feeling the natural pangs of regret for not putting forth more effort into a project or sport. Disappointment sucks.
Little Emily got into Harvard, Yale and Stanford. God damn it. Your child did not, so you raise a big stink by calling the school to let them know how much of a mistake they made. Hell, write a check for a million dollars and see if admissions will reconsider their unfortunate oversight; they will if they know what's good for them.
Maybe, just maybe, Emily worked her butt off while your daughter spent her high school years feeling too special, entitled to the best university years money can buy. Which is better - gaining admission by merit or knowing mom and dad will pull some strings? Who benefits the most? (Hint: It's ok to let them find out.)
Frankly, most kids are probably ill-suited for life away from the insulated walls of home. Unless you have raised your children to be accountable for their actions and don't come to their aid to prevent exposure to life’s problems, I’m guessing you are unleashing another spoiled adult into the world who will cry and stomp feet if things don’t go as planned. The world needs problem solvers, not whiners. We need people who understand the value of working hard for what they have instead of the idea that the world owes them something. The greatest gift you can give your child is the ability to make his or her own way in the world and learn from their mistakes. Let them feel discomfort. Let them lose and feel what that’s like. Don’t reward them or make a big deal out of something that is a given, like cleaning up after themselves. Take scrapbooking, for example. Some of these parents think every flipping thing their kids do is worthy of celebration.
I don’t want my kids growing up thinking that drinking out of a grown up cup is worthy of attention and celebration. That’s not too important to me.
Standing up for a bullied child or helping an elderly person with his groceries is far more impressive.
What do I want my kids to know? There are no shortcuts. Work hard for what you want, expect nothing. No one owes you anything in life simply because you were born. Real life doesn’t work like that. The most honorable people I know had limits growing up. They had consequences for their actions. And punishment. Yet they know they were loved. They weren’t so special that the rules didn’t apply to them. You don’t get trophies in life for being ordinary. Seek extraordinary. And work for it.
And to parents, don't be afraid to let your kids fail once in a while. They will be all the better for it in the long run.
I certainly don't presume to have all the answers. Parenting is the hardest job on the planet, and often I am guilty of losing my cool. It's pretty weird to be an only child and then suddenly have four kids to bring up. Most days I can't believe what I signed up for. But then I remember. And I am so proud to be the one in charge of their well being. It's an honor and huge responsibility, and it goes by in the blink of an eye.
I know everyone says that.
Illustrations © Johanna Westerman 2016
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