We had our first child in 2014. I've always wanted to be a father and I took no persuading from my wife to start a family. The pregnancy went well and we were both excited to meet this little man. Then at midnight Monday/Tuesday my wife nudged me awake to say "it's time". I jumped out of bed with the excitement of a kid on Christmas Day! "Wow" I thought "I'll be a dad by breakfast". Off to the hospital and we were quickly sent home being told you've got lots of time still. That was the last time we slept for a very long time and also the moment my expectations started slip away.
18 hours and several hot baths later we headed back to the hospital. 6 hours after that we moved from the luxury of the "birthing suit" with it mood lighting, double bed and built in audio which had played Nora Jones on loop till I hated it. We were off to the labour ward. My wife now awake and in early labour for 26 hours was exhausted and we needed an epidural to get her some rest for the big push. 8 hours later and Ted was ready! Another hour of established labour and we had our son. We're amazed by this wonderful, pink, little boy we've made and it feels incredible just as I expected. We were back on track!
My wife stayed in over night and I had a blissful nights sleep alone at home. I realised we weren't finished and very much had just began. I expected to any minute now bond with Ted, this was going to be great. My whole life I've wanted to be a husband and a dad, that is what life's about to me. Marriage had been amazing and now fatherhood was going to be awesome
The next day I picked them up from hospital, there was everything I expected. The fiddling with the car seat, the proudly showing off my new baby and of course the all important Facebook announcement with all the lovely comments.
I expected the joy to last, but I felt the high start to level out. A little bit of fear crept in as I realised the enormity off what we'd done. Ted was hard, extremely hard. I don't mean he had issues of any sort, I just mean babies are insanely hard. You stop sleeping at all because babies hate sleep apparently. The phrase "slept like a baby" had lied to me. It's not complicated hard like quantum physics nor physical like sports but emotionally it's exhausting. I really wanted a break but I couldn't because of Ted, God I wished Ted would just stop. Everything felt wrong at this point. All the things were what I expected but nothing felt how I expected. I wasn't in love with this boy in fact I resented him because he screwed my perfect life and I hated myself for feeling that way. Where was the love I thought would make all this easy. I remember those moths as being dark even though it was Spring because it was the long nights that scared me the most. The way I was a different person when I'd been woken from precious sleep. It scared me to understand how someone could shake a baby, how I could hate such an innocent person.
Months passed and eventually he slept, we slept and we found our feet again. I found room in my panic, fear, frustration and anger for some love. I let go of my expectations for how today should be. I wasn't in charge of my life anymore, I'd given that to my child. When we had him I only thought I would gain a son and I never crossed my mind there would be a cost. I adore our beautiful 2 year old boy now and fatherhood is awesome but not what I expected. People tell you how good things are but Nobody ever told me how horrible it can be as well and I wish someone had warned me. Warned me that maybe, for you, the bond and the overwhelming love won't just appear and you may even hate it. Then maybe I could have at least avoided hating myself.
For all expectant fathers out there I promise fatherhood is great, we even went and had another. But allow yourself some fear and room to not enjoy it without your own condemnation because it's really emotionally hard. It's tiring, tough and it calls for you to invest your entire self into it but my God they're worth it!