I guess you know by now that I listen to a lot of music and that it sometimes inspires me to write something on here. Well, I was listening to this one song and one of the lyrics went something like this:
You'll never succeed once I'm no longer here
The song is one of those commentaries on human society that seem so popular now, you know? Really, it's a cool song and it's also a protest about how mean we are to kids basically, how we constantly put them down (the song is basically a continuation of all the negative shit parents say to their kids, very relatable for most people). And while all the parts in the song are sad and destructive especially for a young child, ruining his self-esteem, this one struck me as particularly...sad. Strange? Interesting? All of them, really.
Because it's something you hear parents say to their children, though most of them don't say it out loud, they don't phrase it quite like that. And yet, it's the sentence that's practically the basis for most of the verbal (and sometimes physical) abuse by parents against children. Not all, there are some twisted fuckers out there and there are some other justifications behind such crimes, but this is a large reason, I realize.
It is in our nature as human beings to require some sort of validation, to prove to ourselves as well as others that we matter, that we are doing something right in the world. And while parents do have a lot of responsibilities when it comes to their children, they're also basically helpless. Here's this little person that you created and who so needs you, particularly at the beginning of its life, and then you realize that this child is bigger than you. That while you do owe him some things, those things are limited and that at some point, what he does in life and the human being he becomes is not up to you.
And I imagine it's frustrating because this creature you've sacrificed so much for will at some point fly on its own. It shouldn't be, but it is, because otherwise how do you explain all the parents crippling their children's ability of standing on their own two legs?
Many parents seem to make it their life's mission to root themselves into their child's life as indispensable.
You need me (he does, but not as much as you'd like to think).
And so, they say bad things, some even beat their children, as awful that is. But let's not underestimate the psychological damage that a parent is capable of, shall we?
You know nothing, who are you to teach me, you can't do that, don't interrupt.
A lot of parents insist upon schoolwork and for some, no matter how much the child works and what accomplishments he or she has, it's not enough. For some parents, it's never enough and they force their children to work ever harder to please them. So what if you're the top physicist in our country? You could be the top physicist in the whole world, why aren't you?
Does this mentality seem familiar? Well, I'd say most parents have it, to some extent, so no surprises there.
And the fear that is at the root of that mentality, of that need to cripple the adult your child will become, is really fear of not mattering. What if he does make it? When you're no longer here...all on his own? It's a terrifying prospect, because it makes you, the parent, feel helpless and useless. If he can make it without you, then what good are you? A child is a magnificent thing, but it's also a great emotional crutch. We have a need in us to be important, to matter to someone, for someone to depend on us even and a child meets all that. A child depends on you and you alone and why give that up? Because that's what a parent should do, he should educate the child and push him on his own two legs, so that when the time comes that the parent is no longer able to help him, the kid will be just fine. But many parents don't do that because they thrive from the child's need for them. As long as you matter to someone, as long as someone still needs you, you're not dead, you know?
And of course, a child will always love and need his parent, but not in the same way. As the child grows, the need for the parents changes, takes a different form, because it wouldn't be natural to expect your parents to validate you and to be pleased with your life forever.
Your parents won't be the reason you make it. I'm sorry, but they won't. You will, no matter what your parents tell you.
They try to make themselves indispensable to you because if not even their child doesn't need them, then what's the point? But it's not fair. And the truly depressing part is that it's up to you alone to understand that.
Some are lucky to have parents who push them to stand by themselves, to be strong. Some have parents who understand this thinking and stop it, keep it in check, so as to let the child grow. But many don't. As is in our nature, many indulge in this selfishness (debilitating though it will prove to be). And then, in that case, I can't help you, your friends can't help you, no one can. It's up to you and you alone to break away, to understand that you will make it. Or that you can, at least, make it on your own, even when your Mum and Dad are gone.
