Esteban turned 3 yesterday and caused some controversy because he doesn't call me 'dad', preferring to call me Sam like everyone else.
Personally I don't mind what he calls me but the changing of these three letters seems to present a big problem for Sabrina's family here in France.
Amongst all the tutting and whispering Esteban and I were simply having a good time, regardless of any words being used to label things and it seemed strange to me that Sabrina's family wouldn't want to do the same.
What are words for anyway?
Communication is the primary purpose of words and having lots of them means more convenience in the way we communicate.
Words have feelings behind them but the trouble is that each person will attach a different feeling to each word, quite often leaving us in a muddle despite what appears to be clear communication.
Body language and intuition provide far more than most of us are currently aware of in conveying a message but we humans tend to rely more on the words & physical stuff.
Re-creating our past without evaluation
The majority of us seem to emulate the way in which we were treated as children and this becomes especially evident when we have kids of our own. It was done a certain way for us so it should be done a certain way for them and our belief is further reinforced when we see other people doing the same thing.
So, the word dad (or papa as it is here) represents a tradition of sorts and the correct way to speak as a child, therefore making all other ways the wrong way.
Mummy & Daddy
My own past was extreme in this area for I was not permitted to call them mum & dad, but rather mummy & daddy or mother & father. As a liberated thinker today who has firmly broken his way out of the conformity box and is comfortable in examining his past I am able to recognise how I am now pushing against that which was done to me.
Yes, I let him watch an ipad during lunch and dinner. In part because I was never permitted this option. But mostly because he asks for it, and when he has it he will sit there for an hour to eat his whole plate... which is what we want right?
The difference between a dad & a friend
Many people here have said that by calling me Sam he is reinforcing his belief that I am his friend and not his dad. What they mean by this is that he is less likely to obey my orders if he thinks of me as a friend.
If we are able to go deep into this, what we see is that our willingness to obey someone boils down to how much fear we have around what will happen if we do not obey them.
Case Study
After the controversy had died down yesterday a demonstration was made for me in which I saw the complete madness of the way most parents think it should be done.
Sabrina's mum (sorry... mother!) gave a silver bracelet to Esteban as a birthday present and tried to put it on his wrist.
She was taking a long time to get it on and he become uncomfortable. She responded to this by raising her voice and continued with what she was doing.
Esteban told her clearly (in french & english) he didn't want to wear it and even said he would put it on later, but she kept on with her attempts to get it done.
Eventually he whacked her in the nose and started to cry because he knew very well what was coming next.
She was angry. Holding him tight she wouldn't let him go and insisted he apologise. Desperate to get away from her at this point he (eventually) said sorry and ran off clearly feeling sad & confused.
She turned and looked at me victoriously like she had just done something amazing.
He knows with certainty she is not his friend now
...so how has this helped her ability to guide him?
The way I see the situation is completely reverse to the way she sees it:
SHE is the one who should be apologising to Esteban for forcing him to do something he didn't want to do, especially on his birthday!
Final thoughts
There are situations in which I will raise my voice to Esteban when his safety is in question or he is intentionally causing harm to another sentient being. He knows exactly what's going on when I say his name in this heightened tone. He doesn't always listen of course but this is 100% ALWAYS because he doesn't understand WHY I am telling him to stop doing something he is enjoying.
I don't mind at all if he thinks of me as a friend. I am simply the friend who guides him that little bit more than the rest and I hope very much we will alway remain friends, regardless of what label he chooses to attach to our relationship.
And the same will be true for our youngest Luna.
Our love to you all from the South of France.
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