Normally a day of happiness and celebration for Mums, I want to share with you why my kids birthdays make me feel sad. My son Tom was born at 28 weeks, after two weeks bedrest at Mater Mother's Hospital. My third premmie baby, this was by far the most stressful pregnancy. I know what pre-natal and post-natal depression feels like, but what I feel like on Toms birthday is more like PTSD. I wonder if other mums feel the same? And is it ok to admit it?
Worst of all, more than the sadness, is the all consuming guilt. The guilt that I couldn't carry you to term. The guilt that you could have died because of my body's inadequacy. The guilt in the NICU that despite all the odds against you, you survived, when the family behind the screen next to us weren't so lucky. And, I'm ashamed to admit, the worse guilt is the selfishness I feel at having missed out on a proper birth experience.
Having a baby is a life milestone that is celebrated. It's precious and awe inspiring. I didn't get that. I never had a baby shower. I never got to hold my baby after birth. Three times, I had to leave hospital without my baby, only to return as a visitor for months on end. I couldn't touch you, feed you, take photos except behind the plastic sides of the box tangled with wires that were keeping you alive. I feel like I missed out. I am filled with the loss of something I never had.
I hate that the thought of the day of Toms birth fills me with memories of panic, worry, bad news, happy tears of hello mixed with sad tears of goodbye and holding hands too tight with Jason as he smiled bravely at the Doctors.
I love Tom more than words can say. I love all my boys. And I would go through all the pain again in a heartbeat if it meant I would have them as my sons. They have taught me about love, bravery, patience and resilience. They inspire me everyday to be the best mum I can be, and even on the days when I'm failing miserably, I still feel blessed to have my children. They have taught me to be grateful and to always give back.
My Brother Tom is a picture book I wrote for older siblings of premature babies to help them understand and facilitate conversation about babies in NICU and raise money for Life's Little Treasures Foundation to support other Mums like me. Please let me know if you need help, someone to talk to, cry with or empower you with the knowledge that it doesn't really get easier, but you are not alone. Please share to let someone know I care.
https://m.facebook.com/LifesLittleTreasuresFoundationWalkForPrems?ref=hl
