Wow. Here we are in Part IV! I had no idea I had this much to say about raising world changers. I am beginning to understand that a big part of my work here on this planet is in assisting the children and assisting adults in understanding how to best support this generation of paradigm shifters. I really appreciate all the support and kind words from y'all through this series. I feel like I've learned so much. I'm going to combine all the remaining goals from Part I in this post. At least that's the plan. Here they are.
We need to get our kids more exposure to other cultures, religions, traditions, countries, beliefs. We are failing miserably here.
Children should be treated like human beings. Radical idea, I know.
Children need space and freedom to be without intervention. Alone and with each other.
We need to have honest, respectful, and authentic conversations with our children.
Treating children like people is really central to all of this. It's central to the parent-baby attachment I talked about in Part II, and it's certainly crucial to shifting education, which I talked about in Part III. It may not seem like such a radical idea to you because you may not realize how rarely this is the case. Begin, though, to pay attention to how people talk to and treat children, and imagine an adult being treated like that. Dan Greenberg, founder of Sudbury Valley School, once told me that the next civil rights movement would be for the rights of children.
Clearly discussing the coming revolution. Those in power should for real be afraid of these two.
Children are treated with astonishing disrespect. Here's one of my favorites.
Adult: You must be cold. Here. Put on this coat.
Child: No, I'm fine. I don't feel cold.
Adult: Yes you do. It's cold. Put on your coat or else.
This conversation is literally jaw dropping. How can you possibly know how another person feels in their own body? You cannot know. It's totally absurd. Children are not only told how to feel moving forward, they're told how they already feel right now. They're told where to go, when to go, what to learn, what is best for them, what's important, when to speak, and when to PEE. It's crazy!! When we had the Sudbury school, kids who had just transferred from regular schools would come to me and ask if they could go to the bathroom. I never knew if I should laugh or cry. I corrected the grammar with sarcasm, like I always do, "I don't know. Can you?" and then looked them straight in the eye and told them that they could go to the bathroom whenever they needed to, without asking. Friends, that's sad. Far more dangerous than anything else is the forcing of children to touch people they don't want to touch. Making a child give a hug or even a fist bump gives the terribly dangerous message that they aren't even in charge of their bodies. My mom was thankfully way ahead of her time on this one. Pissed off a bunch of in-laws, but oh well.
Children don't need adult responsibility, and I believe, as parents, we are spiritually contracted to assist and care for them, but they should be treated with respect. And that means cut the condescension too. Kids have really finely tuned condescension detectors. They see right through it. Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember wishing people would take you seriously? Do you remember feeling hurt when people would say things like, "oh, that's nice, dear" or "isn't that adorable" or "you'll understand when you're older"? I remember. It's horrid. Yes, kids say crazy stuff. No, tweens don't understand the full implications of their budding social and political theories. That doesn't mean it's ok to be rude. If you wouldn't say it to your partner or your friends, don't say it to your kids.
This beautiful girl is brilliant. Listening and respectful conversation is crucial to having a good relationship with your teens.
Ok. I feel really passionate about that one, and I'm backing slowly down from the soap box. Let's talk about cultural awareness in kids. This is important! I'm really involved in social justice movements, and one of the things that has been so frustrating for me in the last few years is how unaware I was. There in my former home country of the US, I realized that all these horrible things have been happening for years, and I didn't realize it. They're just finally being caught on camera. The abuse of marginalized people by people in power must stop now.
Open conversations about race, religion, and culture need to be the norm. With such a wide variety of cultures in most places, this should be simple. It's about seeing to it that your children are around people from other cultures and learn from them. Online learning and sharing your views are all awesome, but they learn so much more at the source. Pick housing, parks, clubs, social groups, whatever with this goal in mind. Help them see people of different religions, different body types and abilities. They will quickly figure out that all people are people. Some from all the different groups are nice, and some are not. They will intuitively see that all cultures and traditions are beautiful in their way and that those differences are as important as the sameness. All they need is exposure. If you can travel with them, even better. The more they see of the world, the more likely they are to grow into compassionate adults ready to speak up for justice and peace. This also applies to people in the lgbtq2 communities. They won't allow people who look like their friends to have their rights taken away or be abused or bombed into oblivion.
Space and freedom. This is a big one for me and part of what I love about living here in Belize. It is basically the opposite of helicopter parenting. Kids here roam outside with other kids. Parents don't get involved in every squabble. They don't jump to help a child with each struggle. Sometimes kids need to figure some things out on their own. Let me make an important distinction here. I'm talking about kids, not babies. I don't agree with babies being left to cry or learn to self soothe. Even with older kids, when they ask for help, I give it. When they don't, I try to back off unless I sense danger.
Everyone needs time alone, so here again it's about treating children like people. They need time to explore and find things out for themselves. They need to take risks and find the limits. This is crucial in learning to set their own boundaries and knowing how to pace and protect themselves. I'm not suggesting letting your 2 yo play in the road. Leaving them alone in a safe space is what I'm talking about. Now, some of us are blessed with one of "those" kids. You know. The dangerous ones. I just keep a little closer ear on that one. When I hear something that sounds like someone could be seriously injured, I ask a leading question like, are you being safe or aware of your body or kind to your sister, something like that. I'm actually trying to back off more, but if you knew my mom, you'd know how far I've come. So this also includes time alone with other kids. There will be disputes, and it is, I believe, obvious that children benefit from learning to resolve conflicts on their own. When they need help figuring out how to process through complex emotions and conversations, I'll step in, but it's usually not really that serious. They figure it out. Kids at the Sudbury school knew not to come with minor disputes to me. I always had only one question. "Would you like to write them up?" (the beginning of the judicial process). Otherwise, unless it's serious, do not involve me. I will not decide who gets the purple block. Ever. They not only gain more understanding of resolution, they also gain more confidence in their abilities, and they learn that you believe in them and their ability to handle it in a good way. Or a bad way and learn from that experience.
Of course if they get too good at working stuff out, they might go lord of the flies
This leads us to the last point. Honest and authentic conversations with our kids. Here again I get some clap back sometimes. Maybe I'm too honest with my kids. Maybe I'm too authentic. It's possible. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have few filters. Sometimes I might be a hair inappropriate. I swear like a sailor sometimes. Anyway! While it's possible I take it too far, being honest and authentic with kids is important. It all goes back, of course, to treating kids like people. No one wants to be lied to or condescended to. A lot of people put on a really fake persona for children, especially little kids. It's honestly disrespectful and teaches them about power inequity and subtle ways to exert your power over others. That's a dangerous game for them to learn. They then take that pecking order to school, and there begins serious problems. Children who are treated respectfully are much more likely to respect others and demand people be treated fairly. They will have confidence and stand up for themselves.
They ask a question, and I answer it. I don't talk down to them. I give them my absolutely honest answer. I talk to them like they're intelligent humans because they are. I truly don't have an issue with baby talk. Babies love it. They love silliness and high pitched voices. I'm talking about once they're talking. I tell them what I think about things. I tell them how I feel. I explain answers to their questions about the world openly and honestly from my authentic me. If I don't want to play what they want to play, I tell them that's not my thing but suggest something we both like. Giving an inauthentic yes teaches them only to ignore their own boundaries.
Dress up is a game we all love.
Here again there are a few caveats. I don't talk to my 4 yo about famine or war or slavery. If she sees something, I answer a question simply and directly without giving more info than asked for. For example, when kids ask where babies come from, explaining birth is sufficient. If they don't specifically ask how that baby got in there in the first place, they probably don't want all that info. I don't burden them with harsh financial realities, though I do teach them to budget. I don't share my relationship struggles or tell them all my feelings. It's important for them to know everyone gets sad, but I'd never share with the little ones when I'm dark depressed.
Worst question I ever got from a kid? One day my niece and I were watching tv when a viagra commercial came on. "Auntie Kristin." "Oh shit" "What is erectile dysfunction?" "Um, I think that's a question your dad better answer." Needless to say my brother wasn't thrilled with me passing the buck on that one. He handled it beautifully though. "It's just a sickness some people get, honey." That was all she needed. She was totally satisfied with that answer, and no one had to go into full detail on what penises do and why they sometimes don't. Point is, honest is good, but skip the tmi.
There we have it. Raising the next generation of revolutionaries. We are going to need them to solve a host of problems and also to advocate for us when we are old! I think I might have one more piece about how to help them when they're older and emerging from the nest. Right now they're heading out at a very difficult time and need our support in handling the emotional intensity.
Let me know what you think. And please do share your worst kid question.
Pics are mine and Google Images