I was often looked down on, and judged before you even came. People had already made up their minds that I wouldn't have the ability to take care of you. I was branded irresponsible, stupid and people claimed that I had already ruined my life. I was often judged as being stupid and people made rude remarks and stared at you when you were in my belly.
People judged me by my past and used this to determine what they thought would be my future.
They saw my baby face and then looked at yours, I was then faced with looks of shame, disgust and judgement. People heard you cry, scream and tantrum, but they didn't see a baby who was simply stating their needs, they saw a 17 year old mother who "couldn't cope". You smiled at people, but they didn't take notice, instead, they saw me, "just another teen mum" and once again, judged. You waved at people and said "hello" but they didn't say anything back, instead, they looked at me with sympathy as though my life had been totally ruined. They didn't take note of your blonde hair and blue eyes, your little button nose and rosy cheeks, they took note of my age, how I looked and once again, judged. They didn't see how happy you were, how sociable and friendly you were, instead, they saw me. Tired, drained, emotional and highly anxious just like any other new mother would be. Instead, they put this down to my "age" and once again, judged.
They didn't take not of how advanced you were for your age, they didn't know how many hours we spent together learning shapes, letters and numbers, they didn't see how hard I tried to get you to sleep and they didn't see how worried I became over the littlest things. They didn't know that I put my whole life on halt for you, how I spent all of my time with you, stopped my own dreams and future plans for you- they didn't see how much I loved you.
All they saw was a teenage girl who had just left school, irresponsible and selfish for bringing you into this world. They predicted that I would palm you off every chance I got, not tend to your basic needs, not cope. They told me when I carried you that I would struggle and that I wouldn't be able to handle the "stress" that you would bring me. They told me that due to my age, I would struggle to provide for you and you would suffer. When I went to my pregnancy appointments they weren't filled with joy, I would go in happy and excited and come out feeling defeated and depressed. I used to hold you every night when you were in my belly and apologize and be swept over with guilt. Already before I even knew you, I felt as though I wasn't good enough for you, that you may be better off else where since I was just a "teen mum", another statistic.
I wish they could see us now sweetheart. I wish they could see how charming, beautiful, intelligent and polite you are. How clever and well-behaved you are. I wish they could see how determined and motivated I am with you and how much I am working to improve our quality of life. I wish that they could of seen past my age and saw how happy you were, how when you cried for hours on end that you were only a baby and telling me, your mother what you needed. I wish that they could see how much I loved you. I wish instead they saw past my 'young' face and instead, saw the beauty in yours. I wish that they witnessed how every night I rocked you in my arms to get you to sleep because you just didn't want me to put you down. I wish that they could see how much you are thriving in life and how much I did cope. Yes it was a struggle, but the struggle was so worth it.
Being a young mum to you means I get to hold you that bit longer, watch you grow and venture this world. See my great-grandchildren grow and be with you every step of the way. It means I get to be there for you for longer and support you through the hard times in life.
Although I was young, you changed my life for the better. You introduced me to a love that is like no other. You guided me and taught me so much at such a young age. For that baby, I thank you and I owe my whole life to you. As your mother, that is what I will do.
Love forever and always, your "young mum"
X
