"If you don't climb the mountain, you can't see the view."
--Harvey MacKay
My life the past two years has been a series of hills and valleys. Two years ago, I decided to dive into the foster care world, and the landscape of my life has changed dramatically since then. In that span of time, I went from being a family of one (well, two, if you count my fur baby, Gus) to a family of three (four). I am now blessed with the incredible task of caring for two amazing souls, one little boy and one baby girl, that call me mommy. I am also hounded by a cloud of uncertainty and fear when it comes to the outcome of our futures. It has felt that just as we would reach the peak of mountain, another valley was sure to follow. In this series, I hope to share my personal journey of becoming a foster parent, my experiences with my foster care placements, and my reflection on the journey as a whole.
The Foster Care Initiation
Every state has its own guidelines and requirements for families to be licensed as foster homes. In my state, a person is required to undergo a 36-hour class, rigorous home study interviews and paperwork, home inspections, and background checks. I began my training in early August of 2015, and by the end of January of 2016, I had my foster and adoption license. While that sounds pretty simple when laying it out in a brief timeline, the days in between were packed with classes, studying, bringing my house up to impeccable standards, gathering furniture and supplies, completing piles of paperwork, multiple interviews, and just mentally preparing myself.
Many people wonder why a person would subject themselves to the process of becoming a foster parent and the stressful experiences that are sure to ensue. For me, I felt a calling to do something more, to be something more, to feel something more. I so wanted to have children, and there were so many children out there who needed caring parents. I felt the aching longing of wanting to hold my own children in my arms, nurture them, love them, guide them, and protect them. From my experiences as a teacher and school counselor, I knew that there were kids out there who felt that same longing to be held, nurtured, loved, guided, and protected. After much prayer and deliberation, I made the leap and answered the call. Little did I know the plans God had in store for me, nor do I yet know the plans he has for my little family.
Mountains and Valleys
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4
I was reminded of this verse late last night, as I had trouble drifting off to sleep. For some reason, a verse from a song by Citizen Way called "How Sweet the Sound" popped into my head. My family is definitely in a deep valley right now, struggling to climb the tallest mountain. Each time we get close to cresting the peak and seeing what's on the other side, we slide back down the mountainside. My Little Man has been with me for 17 months, which means he's officially been with me for half of his life. We are at the point in his case where we are waiting for a judge's decision on whether he will go back or if we will be his forever family. The recommendation is for the judge to make that decision within 90 days, and we are now on day 99. As I wrote in my post Running a Race Without a Finish Line, living each day without knowing when or if an end is coming can be excruciating. Even though we continue to live our lives and move through our days in memorable ways, late at night when the kids are in bed, the nagging fears and anxieties haunt my dreams. Having the lyrics to this song pop into my head was a divine act, as it soothed my soul and was the medicine I needed to finally fall asleep. While we aren't in a "shadow of death" in a literal fashion, there are certainly shadows looming largely behind us. And yet, our days are sprinkled in sunshine through the daily interactions we have, the trips we take, and the experiences we cherish together as a family. It is a very strange way to live--to have so much joy and so much pain woven throughout each day.
Climbing the Mountain
The quote at the beginning of my post hangs on my office wall. It reminds me daily that the best things in life aren't the things that come to you most easily. The best things are hard-earned--the result of exertion of will, force of mindset, and willingness of the heart. We have had some great moments as a family; we have also had some nerve-wracking and near heart-breaking experiences. We've made it to the top of the hills leading to clearer views of the mountains yet to climb. We've walked the dark valley of uncertainty and fear. Grace has brought us out of the valley before, and I'm praying that it will once again see us through as we continue to white-knuckle our way to the top of this mountain.
I have had a taste of what it feels like to climb the mountain, breathe the fresh air, and drink in the amazing views. That is what drives me to continue to live in the present moment with my little ones and to create precious memories--to live life as if there was no decision-clock ticking its way toward a beginning or an end. This was both the hardest and best decision I have ever made; it has both challenged and changed me to become a better person. It has influenced my character and values. It has given me a family. The work is arduous and often unnoticed; the payout in hugs, kisses, and love makes it worth it. I am glad that I was called to be a foster parent, even in the midst of our struggle. I even surprise myself by saying that, because some days are so hard that the gratefulness I feel for my two little ones is overshadowed. Now that I have it down in writing, I never want to forget that I said it. I am so grateful for my two little ones, even during the hardest of times.
I want to thank those in the community that have supported our little family so far. Many have extended their best thoughts and prayers to us, and it is greatly appreciated. In the coming days, I hope to share a little more about my experiences answering the call and my own reflections on foster parenting. Feel free to ask me any questions about foster parenting in the comment section, and I will do my very best to answer them. I wish you a happy and blessed day...keep climbing your mountains, because we sure are!
(Photos courtesy of pixabay.com)