You’re constantly called “type A” or “anal retentive” or just “a perfectionist.”
People credit you with going above and beyond the call of duty, and barely stopping to catch your breath. They poke fun at how you (sometimes unintentionally) seem like you have a “my way or the highway” or a "holier than thou" mentality, like it’s just a personality quirk. In reality, the idea of not finishing something or doing something exactly how you’ve envisioned makes you sick to your stomach. You don't understand the concept of "fashionably late". You obsess and overthink, dwell and stew. Pack up the volcano and just let go!You have little ticks that manifest physically, but they just seem like “bad habits” to the outside eye.
Nail biting, hair picking, knuckle cracking, lip chewing. Even picking at your skin or scabs or leaving your cuticles in a bloody mess. They’re all little symptoms of your anxiety. You try to keep your panics and nervousness internalized as best you can, but it slips out in these seemingly little things. Y'all motherfuckas need a big ol' bong rip.You don’t know when to say when.
“No,” is your most underused work in the English language. You don’t know how to stay away from reaching your limit. So you pile things on top of each other, always assuming that you can just handle anything and everything. You stretch yourself way too thin and then even after you’re breaking, still try to take on more. You overthink things and assume that maybe this person has good intentions for you although what they're doing seems evil so you just keep your mouth shut. A fat blunt would really help you out here.You can relate to the idea of “compartmentalizing” your emotions.
You're a kind and generous person, but your heart has been ripped out so many times that you've developed a way to disassociate in order to cope. You can just "turn off" and view everything in the third person. Like you're watching a movie. None of this is actually happening to you. You know what would make this even easier? You guessed it. Mary Jane.
And because of this, you’ve been called “stoic” or “unemotional” even when that couldn’t be farther from reality.
You’ve likely gotten a reputation for being rational and logical to a fault, because you don’t let how you’re actually feeling show. Your compartmentalization is next level. Rather than feel your feelings and process them in real time, you put them on a metaphorical shelf in your mind in order to “deal with it later.” Problem is, later rarely comes. And then there are all of these anxieties and issues and feelings that pile up on top of each other and it becomes unbearable to manage. But honestly, if people don't want to take the time to try to understand you, fuck em. Go smoke some weed.You joke about having FOMO — but it’s much bigger than that.
It’s not so much an “I wish I was included” notion, it’s more a deep-seeded fear of missing out on an opportunity. It’s the fear of being a bad friend if you don’t go somewhere with someone. It’s the fear of not being enough if, for some reason, you’re not able to do everything. So either smoke some grass and go have fun or smoke some grass, turn on Netflix and rub one out. Either way.You worry about opening up because you’ll be accused of “not getting it” because you seemingly live a normal day-to-day life.
There’s this idea in your head that because you’re still “functioning” your anxiety isn’t a problem, and won’t be perceived as one. Even if you don’t mean to, thinking this way plays into that “trauma olympics” mentality. It’s the idea that because you DON’T do something that’s associated with anxiety, or because your anxiety is different in any other way, you don’t “qualify.” So, rather than say, “This is what I’m struggling with,” and open up, you say nothing at all. But remember, anxiety is a health issue, just like any other, so call in sick and go see the man about a sick dog or whatever the kids are calling it today.You lose a lot of sleep.
You keep yourself up at night often. Whether it’s because your mind is going 10,000 miles a minute or because you’re convinced you can just finish one more thing, you’re way too familiar with being exhausted. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead!” you probably laugh after another sleepless night. But reality? It weighs on you. Both physically, mentally, emotionally. It’s a problem. A nice indica strain would put you to sleep in no time combined with a few yoga positions, one I would recommend is called Happy Baby. ...The yoga position, not the weed....as far as I know.Most people would just call you an “overachiever.”
Because when you look at someone who’s so good at compartmentalizing, repressing, deflecting, and whose anxiety manifests in a way that makes them hyper-vigilant about very specific things (ie: work, staying occupied, cleaning, list making) it can be so, so easy to only see their successes. But what you don’t see, is the battle that it took to GET there. People only see the achievement part, not the stress, the anxiety, the sleeplessness, and the self-deprecation that it took to get there. Honestly, they probably took some time off every now and then and just got high. Or drunk. Maybe both. I say, pedal to the medal, hustle hard AF and then when you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, get fucked up. It works literally every time.You joke about needing to be busy to be happy.
“My mind is no good idle.”
“I’m happier with a full to-do list.”
“Keeping busy keeps me out of trouble!”
"You wouldn't like me when I'm bored."
It sounds like a glorification of being busy, but really, it’s a cover-up for a fear of what will happen if you stop. The go go go becomes like a drug. The “always having something do” keeps your mind off of, well, your mind. The constantly chasing something else and doing something is ultimately, a big distraction from the anxiety that is ever present in your life. Just take a deep breath, breathe all the way into your stomach and hold it, then exhale. Oops, I forgot a step, first, take a bong hit.
- One of your biggest fears is letting people down.
You worry entirely too much about what people will think about you. Let's face it, half of the US population couldn't tell you what year 9/11 occurred in and I'm willing to bet there's a good chunk who couldn't tell you what day it was...So don't make promises you can't keep. Tell people that you're busy. You hustle. Look down on the people who don't hustle as hard as you do secretly, but when you can, throw down on a joint with them. Then everyone is happy.