If you had met me a few years ago, you could easily recognize that I was not a calm person. And for several reasons. I was deep into a self-destructive habit and I was pushing away the most important people in my life. Maybe one day I will write about it. I don’t have enough courage right now.
I was angry, so angry. I am not talking about that kind of anger that makes you beat people or destroy things. I am talking about the case when you are angry at yourself. The anger that makes you overthink things and leaves you sleepless for several nights in a row. That kind of anger that drains your energy and then, you start to punish yourself because you blame yourself, all the time. It’s frustrating. You start to be in a bad mood all the time and you beat yourself with “what ifs” and “why I didn’t that”. In the end, you are so deep in your own misery and bullshits which simply fuels your self-anger further.
It took me a lot of time to realize that my anger was coming from my emotional self-induced pains and fears. I felt like I was at a crossroad, all the time. I wanted to fight injustice and I had no power to do that. I wanted to change the world but I didn’t know how. I was nobody (i still am and that’s ok). Until I realized that the biggest battle in my life would be to change MY OWN WORLD. It was the only way if I wanted to chase my dream (or dreams, it doesn't have to be one) and make it a reality.
I was a reading a lot of psychology books. I took some school books about personality traits from friends who were studying psychology. I learned that anger’s origin is emotional pain and sadness. I started to write down my own oppressed feelings. I would read my own notes after a few days, make a bit of analysis and then burn them up. (I didn’t want anyone to read them). I learned that I was angry because I was scared. I have already seen a lot of injustice in my life and I didn’t know what could happen to me. I was angry because I was feeling helpless to fight for my beloved ones and closest friends whenever something bad happened to them. If you think rationally, there are things in life that you simply CAN’T CONTROL.
I started running. It was my “ME TIME”. At home and anywhere else, I was always asked to do things even if I have no desire to do so. Being a “people pleaser” I was ruining my mental health to satisfy other people’s needs and feelings. I used for the first time “No” when I was telling them that I was going to run so “No, I don’t have time to do that for you because I have to go running now”. While I was running long km (I arrived to run more than 10 km per day), I learned how to meditate and regulated my breathing which is very important. With a regular and steady breathing, your brain’s thought start to slow down following the rhythm of inhaling and exhaling. With so much physical exercise, it motivated me to eat healthily and sleep better. (If I wanted to reach the next milestone that was 15 km)
The next step was confronting my fears. I started to let people in. Baby steps, you know. Whenever I had a problem or I was feeling sad, I wouldn’t talk to anybody. I was the girl that was talking all the time about economic, social and political issues instead of having a personal conversation with my close friends. This meant I was being dishonest to myself and thus to people I cared about. I was mad because I was thinking that my friends would understand me without saying anything until I realized that they can’t read minds. How do you expect people to help (or even hold your hand) if you don't take the initiative? I took my pride, lock it in a drawer in my mind palace and throw the key away.
For some people, being positive comes naturally. I, on the other hand, had to work so hard to be positive. If life is so unfair and the world is cruel, what’s the sense to seek happiness? My Steemian fellows, when we were born nobody told us that life is a field full of beautiful flowers. You live it and you make the most out of it. As Charles R. Swindoll
says life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. Each morning, before to move out of the bed, I would meditate a bit about what beautiful thing could happen that day. Positive thinking leads to positive action. And each night, before to sleep, I would try to watch a comedy movie or funny youtube video so I could sleep with a smile on my face. Give yourself at least 2 weeks before positive thinking becomes a natural habit.
Do you have a dream? Don’t let anybody belittle it. I cared for so long about people’s opinion and I was mad at myself because I listened to them. I took matters in my hands, trusted my instincts and now I do a living with a job that I love. And the best part is my freelance job has a purpose to my life goals that I want to achieve.
It has been more than 4 years since I started working to have a better version of myself. I compare myself only with my yesterday’s version. I still get mad at myself sometimes, but I am human and without emotions, we would be machines. At least, right now I don't be so hard on myself. And whenever I have some results that I am satisfied with, I will always give a treat to myself and I won't feel guilty about it.
I have also learned that perfection doesn't exist. I also know that I can't change the world, but I can change the world for one.