My posts continued and I'd never really been honest about being in pain before.
At this stage i was doing alot of research and having a weekly / biweekly thai massage. At the time I thought I was letting going but what I was doing was opening up and it hurt so bad.....
Posting on February 11th
Feeling annoyed and frustrated with myself...
I Cannot seem to use the practice and knowledge I have learned to be and to accept whatever with the fuuuuucking pain I am with.
Vipassana, long breath, meditation....arrrrggggghhh....
i had no idea that the bloody annoying twinge and ache in my groin was gonna take me where its taking me
All I feel is pain...and they are shitty miserable feelings and Emotions connected to it.
Sadness, pity, vulnerability, weakness, aching, ugh...just shite feelings.
Leaving me curled up, rocking in fetal position, in pain, as no position alliviates the sensations. In those moments I feel really vulnerable, frustrated, hearing myself murmuring"....just please go away, please let it stop"
All kinds of stuff coming up about my family relationships and all the regrets and mistakes made by my parents and by myself as a parent. All sorts of memories, feelings, shadows around motherhood and mothering.
The last massage in my hip oh my god, it was so intense my breath was the breathe of labour and I felt the fear associated with becoming a mum when i truly wasn't ready. At one point I almost begged the massuse to stop, as I felt exhausted dealing with the pain.
The pain is worse when I'm laying down and at night and somewhere, not yet cleared is all the years of sexual behaviour and all the disfunction, pain around that. I believe the hips are also attached to the sacral chakra associated with sexual desire. Oh good...not!!!
I have definately opened up some old nasty shit and I can't stop now and not giving up as I've got not choice. The massage last week was beginning of clearing some stuff out and going for more but I've got to find a way of coping with what comes after...the hip seems to be opening and then closing, continuing to trap and block. I'm Feeling a bit tender at the moment...with night and mornings being the worst.
I'm doing lots of research, food, anatomy, energy, yoga, physiology, metaphysical meanings, chakras..all sorts.
It's really fascinating what we don't know about ourselves. No wonder so many people suffer from back pain, knee pain, hip pain, emotional pain. So much of it held in this huge muscle which also physically connected to our breathing and digestion. It struck me how many women particularly I know who hold in their emotions and the millions beyond and how common place hip replacements are.
Maybe not an issue of age....???
Everything is connected both inside and outside so as I change or affect one part of myself, there will inevitably be a knock on effect. As i released and straightened my shoulder joint, shifted the pain in my knees and deepened my breathing so energy has moved shifted and some cleared and gone, like layers of an onion, i open up and reveal more of myself to myself. We have over 72,000 channels in our bodies. So to not think one thing is not connected to another is a total illusion.
Look at these simplified images of some if the major channels in the body, all connected, carrying every aspect of ourselves throughout ourselves.
We have no idea what we are and so what we are capable of. It us my belief the better i understand myself from any tradition or perspective the less ignorance i will have and more tools at my disposal to help make myself healthy.
I am extremely grateful to be discovering all this and not everyone will agree with my beliefs but I do suggest that most of us have absolutely no idea of the workings of the vehicle in which our energy is carried.
There's lots more I can do and will do.
cut out meat (nooooooo)
increase intake of natural anti inflammatories. Found some yoga exercises,
Swimming
There's something here called TRE which is all about releasing trauma (hate that word) from psoas region and there's a session this week
Continued massage
Strengthening breathing techniques
My biggest challenge now is managing the pain at night and emotions which seems to be intimately associated with releasing and opening of this massive important muscle and my sacorial region.