There is a saying that even if a person is really bad and cruel, there is something good if you try to find it. And I must admit I strongly believed it too. Till like end of 2013. Till like 39 years of my life. Till like 10 years of marriage.
And then everything changed.
I realized, there are two types of people walking this planet. And I don’t mean men and women.
Our core beliefs and perception play tricks on us.
What changed?
My main core belief, that there is always something good in people, and that if in partnership both contribute, there is a way to make things better. Well, as it turned out, some people are not capable of good. Not capable of empathy. And what is even more frightening, they don’t have even the smallest regret or a feeling, that they are doing something wrong.
I did’t know about personality disorders back then. I knew depression, bi -polar, even a “psychopath” term, but have never imagined, that life with a person with serious disorder can be hard. Draining. Impossible.
Or as the say, life with people with borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder is “My way or the highway”.
My therapist put it very nicely — there are people wanting to climb the highest mountains, but they are just not equipped. So, no matter how you try to help them, they will never be able to make good and strong relationships based on empathy, trust and kindness. The nature or/and early life just didn’t give them the tools.
Sorry for them, but I am surely not the one stick around and try to save them.
Over the years I was in constant idea that if I tried just a little more, maybe she will see and things will get better. Maybe just a little more. Maybe if I ask the next time a little more quite, if I call her a little earlier, if I…
Well, please don’t fall for this trap. I did and the lessons learned has been hard. There were times I thought I will lose my mind. But still my savoir complex just forced me and my brains to search for the solution, because I, will solve this puzzle. I can do it. The relationship is important. I really can do it.
I started reading, I started to discover things, what to do, how to stop walking on eggshells. I joined forums, how to deal and live with person with BPD or NPD.
But in the end, nothing helped. Its like a moth to a flame. Which is very dangerous. You know something will damage you, but you can’t resist. Here I got help, I needed help. Finally got the confirmation my mind accepted, that this relationship was unhealthy for me.
And I left.
How to go on? Will I look for the best in people I will meet in my life? Will I trust them till something tells me different? Will I be pay more attention to red flags? For sure, but if anything, I will first look inside of me and define, what I want, need and certainly what I don’t allow.
Thanx for the read, my first post here.