How I dealt the monster inside of me?
Its been 4 years of battling this monster inside of me. I was fine back then 4 years ago, suddenly one morning I felt uneasy my heart was pounding I felt a cold sweat running all over my body. Its like my heart was going too fast that I think I was going to have a heart attack. I try to calm myself by exhaling and inhaling some air, and thank God I feel fine. Starting that day I always feel nervous and uneasy, I don't know what happen or where it came from. I started thinking a lot of things, sometimes I caught myself wandered in a chair and my mind was blank. I asked my self am I crazy? But no I'm not. Every morning was a struggle for me to wake up, my mind says get up but my body is too heavy to get up in bed. I feel alone even if I'm with my friends and kids, I feel lonely all of a sudden I feel tired. I started creating some imaginary things or thinking for bad things is going to happen, I have a lots of what ifs in my mind. Then I started feeling that I'm not important, I have mood swings I even experienced not going out of our house for days,one week and it lasted a year, I can't even take my daughter in her school or even go to market for our groceries. I pay someone to do the things I used to do outside because everytime I want to go out my heart will pound faster its like me getting a heart attack again. I can't even see my friends anymore and they were asking what happen to me. I just don't answer them, I can't open up my problem to them, I was shy or ashamed to be judge or they would say that I was crazy. I suffered depression I cry alone, I was so depress I need someone to talked and to asked what is happening to me. My husband said that I should try to check myself by a professionals. I love too but my agoraphobia stop me from doing that. I was so weak that I let my brain defeated by the monster I created inside my head. I am so weak that I let the monster defeated me in everything. I was so weak that I let my anxiety and depression to ruled my life. It took away my happiness, my life,my time for my kids and my time to enjoy life. I do lot of research in internet because I can't go out of our house to get check by a professionals. I do the home remedies they recommend I tried yoga,medations, exercise a balance diet. I soaked myself in a tub that full of ice and it was so cold. I said to myself I need to do those things in order to get rid of this monster I created inside my head. For my children I need to fight, my husband was an OFW at that time, who would take care of my children if I don't fight it. Nothings has change I let the monster again to ruled my life.
And then I prayed heartedly I open up to God and I let Him do the fight for me, because I was so weak that I can't even defeat my own self. Thats when I got the strenght to fight, I started how to fight or flight in every situation, and I know how to manage my panic attack. And fight my agoraphobia by taking one step at a time, until I manage to go out at my house alone again.
4 years has passed and little by little I manage to fight the monster inside of me. I fight my anxiety everytime it hits me,every panic attack I experienced in the middle of crowded places. Some people will recognize my panic attack but I tried myself to get calmed. I tried everything to fight my depression I will not let it be the master of my mind again.
I'm fighting by the help of my family who understand me. I'm fighting with the great warrior "GOD" who makes me feel that I am not alone.
If you've know someone who is suffering depression please don't tell them that it was just on thier head it will not help them,your making them miserable. We need understanding and care, we need someone to trust, to talked with. And to give us strenght to fight.
