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I was so excited for her.
My partner and I were sitting on our couch, enjoying our time together.
As she described her experience, I could see her bubble with so much joy and excitement.
Her positive vibes were so contagious to me - I could really feel them!
But the the same time... I was honestly surprised by my own reaction.
I said to myself, “Wow, it’s so interesting that I can feel this way!”
But, why did I find this so interesting?
It was because of this simple fact:
She was sharing her excitement about a recent sexual connection that did not involve me.
A New Way Of Relating
About two years ago, my girlfriend Dani and I decided to try something different with our relationship.
We had both come from relationship structures that just didn’t serve us.
For myself, I had already experienced three 2+ year relationships that ended with the same thought every time:
What am I missing here?
What I discovered, is that I wasn’t really missing anything.
I already had everything I needed.
What I did need, was a different relationship structure.
And that’s where polyamory came along.
Many Loves
At the beginning of our relationship, we decided that a new relationship structure was necessary for both of us, so we dived into the world of polyamory.
Polyamory is the practice of or desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners. It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy".
In short, if you break down the words into “poly” and “amory” you have the words, “many” or “several” and “loves.”
Polyamory is the practice of having several lover lovers, instead of your love being centralized to one person.
For me, I wasn’t doing it because I needed more sex or more attention.
None of those things really interested me at all.
I mean, lets be be honest - the idea of having more dynamic sexual experiences sounds really friggin' great - but it surely was not the thing that intrigued me to explore this particular lifestyle.
What did interest me was the freedom to express myself, how I wanted and when I wanted.
In my past relationships, I would notice that about a year in, I would start to feel overwhelmingly stuck.
Something was really wrong - to the point where I would even get physically ill at times!
Eventually I realized that the issue was that I was cutting off a part of my sexual energy that needed to be expressed.
The practice of monogamy just wasn’t nurturing my spirit in the way that I needed.
Thankfully, polyamory fit the bill.
But Then I Discovered Something Incredible
If I had to be totally honest and real with you (as I always intend to be), I would tell you that polyamory is not for the faint of heart.
It’s quite challenging and forces you to confront and deal with fears and feelings of jealousy that you would not normally have to confront in a monogamous structure.
Through embracing these challenges and uncomfortable experiences, I’ve discovered something that I believe is applicable to anyone, regardless of if you are polyamorous, monoagmous, or something totally different.
What I discovered is the art of compersion.
Experiencing Another’s Experience
What is compersion you ask?
Compersion is:
The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy.
It’s essentially what you experience AFTER you’ve confronted and dealt with your own fears and anxieties.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, instead of feeling jealous that your partner is discovering joy and pleasure with another human, you now feel a sense of warmth and appreciation for it.
It’s truly a fascinating experience, but in my opinion, the most amazing aspect of this is that compersion is a concept that can be applied to anything.
Not just polyamory!
The Power of Compersion
Can you remember a time when you felt happy for a friend or family member because they achieved something noteworthy?
Have you ever felt really great simply because of your excitement for another person’s experience?
Isn’t that quite an interesting phenomenon?
Well, it is most definitely a thing, and I believe that thing can be a very useful tool if you choose to utilize it.
Here’s why I say that:
I believe that in order to get what you want in life, you have to become a mental and emotional match to what it is that you want.
Put simply and logically:
If I want to pass a class in school, I must get at least a C or better on my exams.
In order to get a C or better on my exams, I need to understand the material well enough to convey that on my exams.
Now if I’m struggling and having a difficult time achieving that grade, I have two options:
Option #1) I can scoff at the individuals in my class who are acing their exams, seemingly with ease, and seek to undermine, devalue, or seek revenge upon them.
Option #2) I can appreciate the individuals in my class who are acing their exams and perhaps befriend them and ask for advice, guidance, or help.
Many of us unconsciously choose the former option.
We invest our time and energy in focusing on what we don’t have and become upset and uncomfortable around the people who already have it.
Option #1 is the best way to NOT get what you want in life.
As the more you say “I don’t have this, it’s completely separate from me”, the more your mind will agree with this belief system and look for more thoughts and strategies to enhance this experience of NOT having what you desire.
On the other hand, you could choose the second option - the option to appreciate those who are succeeding in class.
This provides an entirely different experience.
Have you ever heard the phrase,
“You become the average of the five people you hang around with the most.”
The same concept applies here.
When you choose to appreciate, respect, and engage with those who are already succeeding, you subconsciously begin to do the same for yourself.
Not only does your mind begin to naturally look for opportunities to succeed, but also, resources and opportunities begin to appear as a result of this mindset.
But How Does This Relate Back To Compersion?
Compersion demonstrates our ability to appreciate another individual’s experience that is not our own, while also reaping the benefits.
And like I said earlier, it’s not JUST for polyamorous people… it’s for everyone.
Let me give you another example here…
Can you remember the last time you saw or heard a child giggle with joy?
Whether or not you were feeling that joy at the time, did you begin to feel more joy for yourself?
Just the other day I experienced this.
I was feeling fatigued and a bit anxious in the moment.
But suddenly I saw my partner’s baby nephew run into the living room with a huge smile on.
I immediately felt the joy that she was experiencing and it completely shifted my physiology to the point where I literally felt like I had a ton of energy again.
I was vicariously experiencing her joy, and it felt so real to me!
How Do We Experience Compersion In Our Lives?
Do you feel lack in any area of your life right now?
Maybe its finances, or love, or time…
What do you feel you are lacking right now?
Once you have something in mind, think about about someone or something that already HAS what it is that you want.
For instance, lately I’ve been feeling a lack of money to pay my expenses, and thus I’m thinking about some of my mentors and favorite artists who already have all the money they would ever need.
Now, this brings us back to the two choices we confronted earlier with the classroom example.
Our two options in perceiving this are:
Option #1) Criticize these people for having achieved what you haven’t and think about how crappy it feels to not have what they have.
Option #2) Appreciate what these people have cultivated in their life and imagine how it feels to truly live life so abundantly.
Hopefully the obvious choice is clear to you.
Compersion would result in stepping into option #2.
And it’s a powerful choice to make!
By simply appreciating what we don’t already have, we’re essentially tricking our mind into thinking that this already exists in our reality.
The mind then follows suit by searching for patterns, thoughts, and ideas that match the experience we’re focused on.
The more we step into a place of appreciation for the things that we seemingly don’t have, the more we are naturally more attuned to people, places, and things that also reflect what it is that we are appreciative of.
By feeling into the experience, we soon become it.
How Can You Live With Compersion?
If you could be anyone and have anything this year, what would it be?
As you think about that for a moment, consider how you’ve been approaching the things that you don’t currently have.
Have you been consciously or subconsciously pushing them away?
Or have you been creating a positive relationship to these things by appreciating them and inviting them in?
There’s a big difference in one compared to the other, and I assure you, the more you step into a state of appreciation for the things you don’t have, the more you will begin to believe that you already have it.
And when you get there with your mind...
your life experience will follow suit.
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