It feels like it's been quite a while since I've written one of these posts, but the mission doesn't change. To be the best version of myself that I can be, I must address core wounds as I become aware of them and learn to grow and heal from them. I noticed quite a while back that I had a tendency to 'love bomb' people, and with awareness I was able to stop the behavior. I never really figured out where I learned it or how deeply rooted it was until today.
I've written in the past about my 'relationship' with my father and it appears that today I'm going to have to dive back into it once more. It seems to me that I learned the 'love bombing' behavior from him. I never really noticed that he has a tendency to give gifts when seeking someone else's validation or approval and I suppose that's probably because we don't really speak to each other.
At this point, I've already heard all of the reasons and emotional manipulation that people could throw at me to develop a better relationship with my father, but I think being able to respect that he is how he is and believe that he does the things he does from a place that is probably love in his perspective is about the best I can accomplish. It's hard to have a conversation with someone that talks at you and doesn't listen. He's ashamed of me and has no problem vocalizing that. He doesn't accept my lifestyle choices and I'm okay with that, I can only be me and I can't live my life to please other people.
That being said, let's get back to the topic of this post. It kind of all clicked today randomly when I realized that my mother expects these gifts from him. It's not always something fancy or luxurious, sometimes it's just a meal she likes or something of that nature, but I started piecing it together when I overheard her having a conversation today. This is the same man that would berate me and tear me down for things that he didn't agree with and then enable them afterwards out of some sense of guilt perhaps. It seems I learned to do this as well.
My perspective now is that it's healthy to just be authentic and let relationships occur and dissipate naturally. Those that want to be around me or like me for who I am tend to stay and I don't need validation or approval from others and they are free to go their own way. A year and a half to two years ago, I couldn't accept that. When I would lose a friend or someone I cared about I felt like a failure. I couldn't let go and needed their approval or validation. It led me to not be honest with people and to always feel guilty when I upset other people for simply being myself. For me personally, it stemmed from having little to no self worth, I can't say that's where it comes from for him, but I know his examples are where I learned this behavior.
It's interesting that learning where this behavior came from doesn't really change anything. I already stopped doing it by learning to love myself and embracing authenticity, but I guess it's not fully healed until I can understand where it came from. Perhaps he is the way he is because he learned this behavior from his father, it's not really for me to know. I can love and respect him as a human being, but I can't agree with the things he does or the abusive behaviors he exhibits. In the end we all have to find our own way. Namaste.
All images are made by me in the Deep Dream Generator.