I was asked to come back into the hallroom (or more specifically the MS Teams meeting link where I just defended my PhD).
"It is with great pleasure that we can now call you Doctor..."
These were the last words that I heard.
After four years, I actually did it. I defended my PhD and now it is all done. Not a 100% but the burden is gone, the massive hill I needed to climb is over. I can now see the horizon, I can now see the pathway leading toward the light, where the sun is setting on the horizon.
***
I could not sleep the previous night. My heart was beating too fast, and I formulated so many different questions in my mind that the examiners could ask. I was the examiner at this point, seeking out almost every mistake or gap that I made in the PhD.
If you search PhD defences online, you will get so many different ways that universities handle the process. Almost all of them see the oral defence as a formality. But at my university and in my faculty, the outcome is not made until after the PhD. So, the examiners can still change their mind if you as a candidate did not perform well under the pressure.
A week before my defence, they told us about cases where the candidates failed under the pressure, that they could not answer to the questions to the satisfaction of the examiners.
This was not to scare us, but to give us a reality check: the defence was not just a formality.
***
But here I am sitting, writing about the process, having survived it...
It feels surreal.
It feels like a dream.
The last four years feel vague, to a point where I am not sure what I really did.
But it is done.
It is done.
It is.
Now, I have a 250 page document that tells me people I can do the research and successfully defend it.
Waiting on the horizon is something special. Building upon this work. Building upon my research. On the horizon something special is waiting.
But for now, I can breathe again, as the pressure is gone.
The time spent was worth it.
And now I can face life with a different lens.
For now, happy reading and keep well.
All of the musings and writings are my own, albeit inspired by a very relieved me. The photographs are also my own, taken with my Nikon D300.