I have been wanting to slow down for a while now, especially after my PhD, but it feels like things are just moving faster and faster. I was awarded a short term post-doctoral fellowship which in theory was supposed to help me cover basic living costs and help me slow down for a while. And in theory it did. But for some reason it feels like I have even less time than I had before. When I sat down to write a research plan, I realised just how many projects I were busy with. I counted about 9 at the stage of writing. Even though most of these projects are near completion, for example, three articles/book chapters are on the brink of being published, while in their unfinished state they are like small reminders that you are not yet done.
But even though this is happening, 9 concurrent projects, I am still in the process of doing other things as well. Part of my post-doctoral fellowship is to host a series of seminars or workshops, to present at conferences and to write new articles (luckily based on existing research).
Even though this felt like the dream I was working toward, it feels strange to now have come this far without being able to call it a “success”. In fact, while leading this life, it feels like there is even more uncertainty than before. We live in a strange world where fortune is all around you, but it is increasingly being hoarded by a few. Even the context where I am working in, seeing new positions opening up in academia is becoming scarcer. Which seems like a contradiction because universities are getting more and more students each year. It seems funny that students are being shown away from universities because there is not enough space for them, but the easy answer is merely to appoint more teaching staff…. But who am I to comment on issues like this?
Either way, it is funny how I landed in a spot where I would have never seen myself 10 years ago. In fact, I remember the day with a strange sense of clarity: it was 2016 and I was waiting for a class when the PhD student at that time doing the tutorial classes sat across me. He wanted to know if I will be doing philosophy postgraduate studies. At that time, I said with certainty no, for one reason, or the main reason, I did not want to do the oral examinations that was part of the requirements listed in the year books. He laughed at me, in a friendly way, telling me that it is not that bad. I did not base my reason for continuing my studies on that discussion, other things happened after that discussion. But I go back to that version of myself from time to time. It is strange, now leading the way into a new field where I am one of the few who actually publish in the space, I would never have thought I would be here.
This “here” where I am currently standing is itself also strange, something I am not sure I am comfortable with. It did not come with more clarity and certainty. In fact, it is really just the opposite; there is less clarity and certainty. Funny how life turns out. You do things you never dream of doing. And that is probably growth in some sense.
For now, I am going to try and force myself to become still. To reflect and rethink.
For now, I want to start to breathe a different kind of breath.
I am not sure how I will get there though. This might be part of the journey. Or so I hope.
All photographs are my own. The writing is my own, based on a kind of confused state I am finding myself in.