The last three years have been so very strange. I cannot even begin to describe the confusion, stress, doubt, mental olympics and inevitable sense of loss that was experienced during this time. It seems there are still lingering effects perhaps even "emotional PSTD" flashbacks that persist even now. I have learned so much about who I am and my place in the world through all these struggles and experiences. I have been tested, weighed and measured and every weakness, trigger and fear I have ever had has been exposed and openly been held up directly and blantantly in my face. It seems this last little while has been so much longer than 3 years and I have felt like I've lived a thousand versions of "mes" and a million lives in this time. Every day feels like a re-set in some form or another and admittingly I have felt like I have been stuck in a revolving door of chaos.
I still am confused, feel a little lost, and am by no means complete but I find as a result of the last 3 years I have been fortified by the fire and no longer find that confusion terrifying and/or paralyzing. Things will be what they are, nothing more, nothing less and that is oddly comforting. It really is as simple as that and what is most fundamental in all of this messiness of life, is to remember, situations and people only have as much power as you choose to give them. We learn to live above and around the mess and hopefully, if you are very lucky, you will find someone or something that helps you contain and minimize that mess. But if you aren't there yet, you will be. Everything is temporary, even what you are experiencing now. Perhaps the key is not to get attached to any of it. The only constant in this crazy world is change.
Change is a macro and micro phenomenon and never something experienced in isolation. If we accept that change is inescapable than we must accept that we too, must change. Somehow thinking of life in those terms brings one to the realization that being in flux is, in fact, being in flow and thus a natural state and not an abnormal way of being. Confusion is merely an attempt at homeostasis and a way to reconcile what we experience and what we become.
Have a great day!
Kobie (AKA Existential Hippy)