A couple of weeks ago, I wrote an article (below) about each parent being prepared to take the reins if required. I didn't know that this concept would hit home so fast. Not my home, a friend's.
Today, my wife and I heard that a friend of ours passed away over the weekend. An aneurysm ruptured and just before surgery, another took her life. She was meant to be at our friends bachelorette night. The group of girls are a very tight knit group that have known each other since childhood. They are understandably broken.
She had a five year old daughter. How can a father face telling his daughter that her mother is gone, just after losing his wife, the woman he loved? Still loves. I am quite sure that it hasn't sunk in yet that she is no longer there.
She was young, in her thirties, healthy. This was very unexpected. She had thought it was just another migraine, the ones she had suffered through all of her life.
My wife got the message from one of the girls, a good friend of ours. She is broken too but wanted to let us know and to pass a message to me that the wedding might be cancelled. I was asked to play photographer.
I looked at my wife and the first thought that came to mind was how the husband will react in front of their child. Him, I do not know well enough to predict. I hope he is the kind of guy that mentally prepares ahead of time for such things but, I know that most aren't.
People find it strange and unusual to think of such horrors, that it is unnatural in some way to think deeply about disasters. Until they happen. People are much more likely to think about what they would do if they won the lottery, yet the chance of unexpected death of a spouse is higher and the implications much more significant.
Win the lottery, you can do whatever the hell you want. Lose a spouse unexpectedly? What will you do? A child may be relying on you to be the rock in their life as life itself has been torn apart for the both of you. Your line of action is very narrow and may impact on the child for years to come. Ready?
After a few minutes I asked my wife how she felt and what she was thinking. She was in some kind of shock and and was thinking about how easy life can be taken away.
Yes, life can end at anytime. Look after the body to lesson the risks, be grateful for every moment that you have. And for fuck sake, live up to your potential. Whatever that means, find out.
Tonight I went dancing with a friend. It was fun and I tried to enjoy each dance with every person I danced with. I tried my best to give them a good experience too. Joke a bit, compliment some aspect or have a laugh over some triviality.
I have danced many times with the friend who passed. Any one of those times could have been the last for either of us. Just in case, I will try to make each dance a good one.
For my daughter though, I have to be prepared. Just in case.
From this point on, the text is a repost.
The Replacement Couple
As a new parent I have had to face many new thoughts. There have been the expected fears regarding illness and the like but there have been other thoughts too.
I was always led to believe that a couple should complement each other. Be able to combine skills and work in unison for a successful relationship. And for the most part, that probably makes some sense as for some things there is no need to double up on skills.
I have talked to friends both male and female and there seems to be common threads in relationships and that is that each have their separated roles. Stereotypically, it is divided along basic tasks, caring for the home and maintaining the home but there are some things that only one person can do.
For example in my household, my wife would have a hard time managing the technical aspects of the home. All of the computer, network, maintenance activities. For me, there are some parts of life that I would struggle in because it requires Finnish. This means that we can complement each other by taking care of our job areas which is the common approach to things such as this.
But, now when it comes to raising a child, I question this approach.
I do some work with succession planning in organisations and have witnessed first hand the risks of doing it poorly. Within a group, if only one person holds critical information, the loss of that person will cause major problems.
I have thought a bit about this and I am sure there are holes in my thinking but, if I were to drop dead tomorrow, how would my wife manage and if she were to, how would I?
Note, my wife doesn't like me thinking about her dying as often as I do. If I were to disappear, Netflix is probably not the first thing my wife will do although she is very keen to watch House of Cards and I am here on Steemit. But, let's say that just after I died, her phone stopped working and it had to be hard reset. Can she do it?
That sounds like a silly example but with a child around and a hundred things to take care of in my absence, all of these little things add up and create extra stress at a time that it is not welcome. When it rains, it pours, as they say.
Some of the guys I have talked to have said that they (and their partners have said this about them too) are somewhat stressed if they have to take the baby shopping with them alone. That they struggle to manage a day with their child.
What happens if misfortune befalls the family and their partners are not there? Can the other cope?
In my thinking, as parents we should be making as sure as possible that if something happened to one, the other can cope. That means taking responsibility for learning skillsets and letting the other have the opportunity and space to learn also.
Of course, this doesn't only matter in the worst case scenario, it helps whenever one is out of commission for whatever reason. If one has a bad migraine, the other can pick up the slack without being majorly put out by it or thrown into the deep end.
I am not saying that each should be a clone of the others skillset either, I am saying that core processes that are necessary to look after the child effectively are carried by both. It is insurance.
My wife posted about making a blueberry pie, which I love and I do not need to learn how to do it in order for my daughter to survive. It can be something special from her for me.
But, we both need to know how to make the food so there are no allergic reactions for our daughter, we both need to know what outside services we require, all of the needs to care for our daughter and make sure that life continues as smoothly as possible.
I find that many do not think this through too much but for me in Finland, I do not have a strong family support network that can take the slack in the case of an emergency, not even a babysitter, so I have to.
I have thought about this a bit further too. Many couples have joint accounts or at least can get access to the others accounts in emergencies. But, what about things like cryptocurrency holdings? Does your partner know what to do with it?
I asked my brother the other day that if something happens to me, my wife will be able to take him the passwords etc and he can help her. Not that there is a great deal of value there but in times of great need, every little bit helps.
My wife 
Probably. But that is not because she thinks I can't do it, it is because she is a mother that cares for her child. In my opinion, part of that duty of care is to attempt to make sure that if for whatever reason one becomes a single parent, the child doesn't suffer because of inadequate skills or knowledge in core areas.
Of course, if thrust into this position it is not the end of the world by any means, it just requires more learning at a time that it may be difficult to do so.
For those with young kids, what do you think? Are you prepared for the worst?
Taraz
[a Steemit original ]
The photo I took today on our road trip. I hope they are both always so happy.
